I'm in a bit of a pickle can you help?

poltergeist

FBaby wrote: »

Just another thought, could he pick up on your desperation to have him expressed his love and be turned off by this? Could you be going from one extreme to another? You have to respect that it is not because YOU have decided that you are now ready to change that he has to immediately respond how you would want him to. Don't expect too much too quickly it needs to come to him naturally when he is ready to trust that you've really changed.

I thought aobut that, yes, I have thought a lot about this.

He knows, we have cleared the air completely knows that I am so sorry and will make it up to him, it's just been a long while static in this, if I could only just see hear find something any little thing that the relationship was turning I could wait for however long it took.

I know I am not going anywhere, he knows that, he doesn't want anyone else, is not going anywhere , all that is clear, I just need to believe something is working

poltergeist

Joons wrote: »

Yes, I was being a bit flippant there, sorry.

You can't do any more than you are, maybe it just needs more time, he'll come round and you'll be back on track, I can't say for sure as I don't know you or him. I still think a bit of seduction might help break the habit he's got himself into, buying the dress and getting the hair done is great but maybe you need to actually `jump his bones` haha. Seriously though, some nice lingerie? Get him in a position where he can't brush you away!

I know you are right but it's just not me, not what we did or do, I would feel cheap doing that, surely if you have to go to that extreme there is even more things wrong than I have been saying about?

valk_scot

Rude question I know but when did you last have sex? If you're 53 my guess is he's a little older and, as you get older, the "use it or lose it" bit comes into play and he may have slowed down in his sexual response if you've not had a regular sex life for a while. Other things can affect sexual response too, like depression, alcohol consumption, prescription drugs, anti depressants. Plus of course women aren't the only ones who get put off sex if they don't feel loved and appreciated. It may just be too soon for him, it may be he's feeling a lot of resentment at being expected to just switch back on again after a long period of abusive behaviour from you. sometimes just saying sorry isn't enough, you have to build up the relationship from the ground up and that can take years.

How about relationship therapy? Couples councilling?

poltergeist

I just want to be given the chance to show him that the monster he lived with has gone will not come back but I suppose rightly he has his barriers up so high I can't get in now.

I keep thinking well he says he loves me, he never went anywhere, were grown ups, we have talked about, we are respecting each other, we value the relationship, neither of us want to seperate or move out, so those are the positives but it is so cold and distant, I don't want to give up.

Bennifred

It sounds to me as though you are trying too hard, and being a bit "pestery" for reassurance that he has forgiven you etc. Just be patient - after all he was, for a long time.

Joons

poltergeist wrote: »

I know you are right but it's just not me, not what we did or do, I would feel cheap doing that, surely if you have to go to that extreme there is even more things wrong than I have been saying about?

Putting on pretty underwear and seducing your partner is normal in my book. So what if you haven't normally done it, maybe it's times like this when you should, it doesn't make you cheap, it's your partner, you want his attention, this is a great way of getting it. I appreciate though that you may not want to, simple as that, in which case, I would suggest biding your time and hopefully, eventually, the hurt will subside and he'll be back to you.

londonsurrey

poltergeist wrote: »

I do appreciate what you are saying but I am not a !!!!!! star, I am not about to degrade myself, I am 53 years old, I know I have to go the extra mile and beyond but all of that was not there before and we have a very active life

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I'm middle aged too. I wasn't suggesting that you turn into a !!!!!! star. Having gone to belly dance class, and being made more aware of these things, I find it amazing what simply standing with a slightly altered stance can do to a man!

poltergeist

valk_scot wrote: »

Rude question I know but when did you last have sex? If you're 53 my guess is he's a little older and, as you get older, the "use it or lose it" bit comes into play and he may have slowed down in his sexual response if you've not had a regular sex life for a while. Other things can affect sexual response too, like depression, alcohol consumption, prescription drugs, anti depressants. Plus of course women aren't the only ones who get put off sex if they don't feel loved and appreciated. It may just be too soon for him, it may be he's feeling a lot of resentment at being expected to just switch back on again after a long period of abusive behaviour from you. sometimes just saying sorry isn't enough, you have to build up the relationship from the ground up and that can take years.

How about relationship therapy? Couples councilling?

I asked him about theraphy but he said no, let's talk together, we don't need strangers etc and I see that.

It has been a while for sex yes it has.

Yes I wonder if he is resentful, angry and wants control now?

No sex is his revenge? I told him we are not playing games, too old for that and he said yes so if these are not games maybe it is genuine raw emotions?

poltergeist

londonsurrey wrote: »

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I'm middle aged too. I wasn't suggesting that you turn into a !!!!!! star. Having gone to belly dance class, and being made more aware of these things, I find it amazing what simply standing with a slightly altered stance can do to a man!

I would feel a bit cheap, used maybe, if you have to go to that lengths to have sex then surely it is not given freely? I don't know if I wanted to have sex under duress, I would want him to enjoy it rather than for one minute thinking oh he is only doing this because I have thrown myself at him?

FBaby

Bennifred wrote: »

It sounds to me as though you are trying too hard, and being a bit "pestery" for reassurance that he has forgiven you etc. Just be patient - after all he was, for a long time.

I really think that might be the case. your desperation makes you impatient and in turns anxious and therefore needy. Just like all he had was to hold on and trust you would change, you have to do the same now. You want a positive sign but did you give him any during that time?