I'm in a bit of a pickle can you help?

poltergeist

Bennifred wrote: »

It sounds to me as though you are trying too hard, and being a bit "pestery" for reassurance that he has forgiven you etc. Just be patient - after all he was, for a long time.

Yes that has been thought about and someone asked this on here and I replied yes I have thought about this, yes he was very patient for a long tme but in amidst that I never turned over in bed for eg or stopped texting, I was an absolute nightmare but I never withdrew, just attacked at the terrible things that life threw at me, he was innocent in all this.

Joons

londonsurrey wrote: »

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I'm middle aged too. I wasn't suggesting that you turn into a !!!!!! star. Having gone to belly dance class, and being made more aware of these things, I find it amazing what simply standing with a slightly altered stance can do to a man!

Ok tell us more??????

poltergeist

FBaby wrote: »

I really think that might be the case. your desperation makes you impatient and in turns anxious and therefore needy. Just like all he had was to hold on and trust you would change, you have to do the same now. You want a positive sign but did you give him any during that time?

Yes, I just answered this one, yes I was a total nightmare, none of it was his fault but I was never cold or lacked connection, he was patient and understanding and we had sex and kisses.

I wouldn't say impatient as it has been a fair while now, needy yes and no, need to have a sign to continue maybe? A thing, just one little thing that I am doing right to work on?

Joons

[QUOTE=_I_would_want_him_to_enjoy_it_rather_than_for_one_minute_thinking_oh_he_is_only_doing_this_because_I_have_thrown_myself_at_him?[/QUOTE]

So what, if you can't throw yourself at your partner then what's the point, if nothing, he'll be extremely flattered. It's the good effect having sex does to a relationship, it opens up the channel of communication, everything. I think from what you are saying, it's worth a shot, talking to him isn't working. Again, though, I understand this is not the route you want to go down, just think about it, don't completely dismiss it. As has been said, the longer you go without intimacy, the harder it is to recapture and actually want it.

FBaby

You just have to trust him. Don't jump to the conclusion that he is withdrawing from sex to gain control back or play games. Many men like women genuinely don't feel up for sex when they are emotionally in turmoil.

poltergeist

Joons wrote: »

So what, if you can't throw yourself at your partner then what's the point, if nothing, he'll be extremely flattered. It's the good effect having sex does to a relationship, it opens up the channel of communication, everything. I think from what you are saying, it's worth a shot, talking to him isn't working. Again, though, I understand this is not the route you want to go down, just think about it, don't completely dismiss it. As has been said, the longer you go without intimacy, the harder it is to recapture and actually want it.

I suppose because I know if he wanted it he would come looking for it, it has never bee withdrawn, always here, he knows that, he doesn't come I don't feel I should 'jump his bones' to feel rejected?

I do appreciate what you are saying and will not completely dismiss it thank you

poltergeist

FBaby wrote: »

You just have to trust him. Don't jump to the conclusion that he is withdrawing from sex to gain control back or play games. Many men like women genuinely don't feel up for sex when they are emotionally in turmoil.

We trust each other, love each other and have respect, maybe that is it, it has been made clear to me that I could be blamed for invading hi space so why would he want me to invade his space in his bedroom when he wants to be left alone.

I see going around in circles here, one person said that I could come across as needy so I step back bu stepping back makes the gulf all that wider so I try to keep us alive and motivated and going out etc etc we have to keep turning, oh I don't know thinking out loud has made this even more of a pickle.

Best to get some lunch

londonsurrey

poltergeist wrote: »

I would feel a bit cheap, used maybe, if you have to go to that lengths to have sex then surely it is not given freely? I don't know if I wanted to have sex under duress, I would want him to enjoy it rather than for one minute thinking oh he is only doing this because I have thrown myself at him?

Men generally seem to be turned on very easily with visuals. If I just alter my walk from "trundle mode" to walking confidently and smoothly, my (observant) artist friend is left creased up with laughter at how many men suddenly take notice.

I suspect that it's more females who think along the lines of only doing it because they feel they should, but yes, I can see that it's totally not your cup of tea, so this pursuing this avenue would be flogging a dead horse. After all, the first rule of sex is never anything you are uncomfortable with.

meer53

Sounds to me like he loves you but isn't in love with you any more. Cliche, but true in so many long term relationships. It becomes more of a friendship than a marriage. If you can't live with this then the only thing to do is get out.

I also agree that you sound to be trying too hard, maybe ease off a little and see what happens ?

justjohn

Start with the basics, get the feelings and thoughts back that you had when your relationship first started. Don't expect to turn back time in a day, your relationship was not built in a day and has not deteriorated in a day either. Intimacy/togetherness will have grown stronger over time then dwindled. Build it up again slowly just like you did at the start. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. take it slowly at a pace you are both happy with.