I'm in a bit of a pickle can you help?

cannyscot_2

Have you asked outright for sex? Sometimes when you kind of go off each other in a marriage -and I think it happens to us all at least once in the marriage you can get back by just going with the physical for a while till you build back up. Just an idea!

poltergeist

podperson wrote: »

I would sit him down again. Say that you've taken on board what he said, you've apologised for the way you were and are working hard on trying to be more positive and to build your relationship back up - but that he needs to try and meet you halfway.
Can I ask, has this kind of behaviour from him started purely from when he sat down and talked to you about being unhappy or has it been ongoing for the last few years while you were in 'negative mode' (apologies, couldn't think of a better way to put that!) If it's the latter then perhaps it's habits he's evolved while you were being negative etc as it didn't seem worth putting the effort in at the time. If so he may need to work harder to break those habits but if he's committed to the relationship he does need to try - you're working on the issues that have upset him, he needs to do the same for you.
Good luck with it x

He has been like it since he sat me down. I feel I can't do anything right because of walking on egg shells, my fault, I want to prove to him so he can see, so he can trust me or believe in me again that I can change, that I have listened and understod what he has said and have , I am wary of myself incase I say or do the things that obviously made him so unhappy.

I need something to go on I think, to see or know something that works and work on that. At the moment I am not getting any feedback, he accepts that I am sorry, that I am doing everything I can to make sure the nasty rubbish times never return I guess I have left him empty and he has nothing to give?

Idiophreak

Just be honest with him - say you're really making an effort to try and fix things, but that you feel like he's stopped putting the effort in on his end. You might think it's unfair to ask him to keep trying, after all the effort he had to put in...But that's exactly why he, of all people, should understand that relationships just don't work when only one of you puts in the effort.

FBaby

There are two options. He is still hurt and he needs time to move from the resentment he might have built up over this time to being able to go back to feeling free and comfortable in the relationship rather than always on his guard. How long has it been since you've had that wake up call and apologised? If this is the way he feels then all you can do is be patient and careful not to put pursue on him however hard it is.

Alternatively though it does happen that after years of difficulties and being desperate for things to be better/back to where they were, once they are and the pressure is off, one realises that their feelings have actually died. It can be a very hard reality to face and accept. I really hope this is not the case for you and your husband. Again, all you can do is show him that you accept it is now your turn to be patient.

poltergeist

Joons wrote: »

Gawd, is there any woman that isn't moody! Seriously though, you cannot keep apologising, the cards were on the table, you've taken all the blame, I bet at times he was moody no? He knows for sure you're sorry, it's now about you both making an effort, not just you, esp on the intimacy bit cos that definitley brings you closer, dress up for him, surprise him? Basically seduce him.

I told him once I would not plead and beg, I wouldn't want to do that, have too much self pride for that and he absolutely agreed, there is no way either of us would go there.

There is a difference between being moody on period days or just had a bad day at work to what I did for a very long time, I really took it out on him and he never faltered.

I went and bought a dress the other day, got my hair done and he came in and said I looked nice, his body language made it clear there was no chance I was going to get anything, I admit I was deflated and wondering if this was his way of control? Keeping me at a distance? I just wonder if he is protecting himself against more harm, hurt or uncertainty how I can break through? How I can make him see it differently?

poltergeist

londonsurrey wrote: »

You know the kinds of things he likes. If applicable, take a burlesque class.

I do appreciate what you are saying but I am not a !!!!!! star, I am not about to degrade myself, I am 53 years old, I know I have to go the extra mile and beyond but all of that was not there before and we have a very active life

poltergeist

cannyscot wrote: »

Have you asked outright for sex? Sometimes when you kind of go off each other in a marriage -and I think it happens to us all at least once in the marriage you can get back by just going with the physical for a while till you build back up. Just an idea!

Yes I have various things happened, the silly laughing oh get off, I have to get up for work tomorrow, oh at this time of night, you should have asked earlier, all just mumble jumble silly excuses, if he wanted it, he would take it, asking makes me feel far too vulnerable and needy, makes me feel even more distant and far away

FBaby

Just another thought, could he pick up on your desperation to have him expressed his love and be turned off by this? Could you be going from one extreme to another? You have to respect that it is not because YOU have decided that you are now ready to change that he has to immediately respond how you would want him to. Don't expect too much too quickly it needs to come to him naturally when he is ready to trust that you've really changed.

poltergeist

Idiophreak wrote: »

Just be honest with him - say you're really making an effort to try and fix things, but that you feel like he's stopped putting the effort in on his end. You might think it's unfair to ask him to keep trying, after all the effort he had to put in...But that's exactly why he, of all people, should understand that relationships just don't work when only one of you puts in the effort.

I do agree with you, I think it's me that has to put the effort into it, I just want somewhere along the line to have something I do or say appreciated and valued and we could work on that?

It is just recently if you sit and think about it you realise that mor and more of the little things have gone, the cold is over ruling, the connection is not there in the bedroom, so as the time goes on I do more he does less , I don't want to live in hope, he is here but not in mind?

Joons

poltergeist wrote: »

I told him once I would not plead and beg, I wouldn't want to do that, have too much self pride for that and he absolutely agreed, there is no way either of us would go there.

There is a difference between being moody on period days or just had a bad day at work to what I did for a very long time, I really took it out on him and he never faltered.

I went and bought a dress the other day, got my hair done and he came in and said I looked nice, his body language made it clear there was no chance I was going to get anything, I admit I was deflated and wondering if this was his way of control? Keeping me at a distance? I just wonder if he is protecting himself against more harm, hurt or uncertainty how I can break through? How I can make him see it differently?

Yes, I was being a bit flippant there, sorry.

You can't do any more than you are, maybe it just needs more time, he'll come round and you'll be back on track, I can't say for sure as I don't know you or him. I still think a bit of seduction might help break the habit he's got himself into, buying the dress and getting the hair done is great but maybe you need to actually `jump his bones` haha. Seriously though, some nice lingerie? Get him in a position where he can't brush you away!