I'm in a bit of a pickle can you help?

nfollows1982

poltergeist wrote: »

He could be sulking I won't contest that but also his emotions are valid, respected and not in dispute. I am sure he is angry, resentful, revengefull even? I am sure he is unhappy, fed up and been given a terrible few years which he never asked for, expected or is to blame in any way for. He put up with them, he showed loved, care, consideration, understanding, support, now he does not have so many positive emotions, I have turned them into negatives. He is battered down, I caused that.

Yes we are married.

He never deserved the monster, trying to make it up to him is the least he deserves.

OMG!! Are you being serious?

He sounds like a complete and utter idiot. You sound like a lovestruck teenager not a 53 year old woman. At best you come accross as his emotional doormat.

So he's angry at you for feeling bad? And resents you for being difficult to live with? Aaaaagh boohoo to him.

What did he expect? That you'd live happily until the day you die with not the slightest bit of hardship? Nobody asks to go through a terrible time in a marriage, but who does he think he is sulking like a child?

He put up with them? So he bloody well should, he's your husband.

He is battered down? Again, boohoo to him.

Making it up to him? It's what he deserves? He deserves a serious wake up call, that's what he deserves.

And what exactly do you deserve? You've come through a seriously difficult time in your life and yet all you get is a load of stick and emotional coldness from your husband?

Wow! I am 30 years old, maybe I don't have as much life experience as you, but if I was you I'd be telling him where to go

Joons

poltergeist wrote: »

He could be sulking I won't contest that but also his emotions are valid, respected and not in dispute. I am sure he is angry, resentful, revengefull even? I am sure he is unhappy, fed up and been given a terrible few years which he never asked for, expected or is to blame in any way for. He put up with them, he showed loved, care, consideration, understanding, support, now he does not have so many positive emotions, I have turned them into negatives. He is battered down, I caused that.

Yes we are married.

He never deserved the monster, trying to make it up to him is the least he deserves.

You never killed anyone or committed a crime, you were a nightmare to live with and after 40 years together he can't forgive this? I kinda agree with what's been said above, if talking, seducing, whatever after you've apologized a million times then I don't see what else you can do, the ball is kinda in his court. I don't mean to offend but you are incredibly hard on yourself, how long has it been since you changed from being a monster? If it's a wee while I think it's about time you stopped tormenting yourself, even the way you are talking, it can't make you feel very good about yourself. As has been said, marriage is better or worse, what would you do if hubby had done this to you, would you still be reacting the way he is?

January20

Got in quite late in the discussion and didn't want to post until I read all the posts and I must say that I agree 100% with the post below.

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I’m a little surprised by the responses that you are all giving on this thread, so I am going to throw my slightly different one into the mix……

What you’re basically saying is that the man you have given the best part of 40 years to has turned you into this cowarding, apologetic version of you simply because you had the nerve to be difficult to live with after having a seriously crappy couple of years?

And yet you are on here asking everyone what YOU can do to make it better?

Just about every reply you have posted makes a reference to how sorry you are and what a truly terrible person you must have been to make this poor man’s life hell.

Seriously woman, get a grip!

Can’t remember if you said you are married but even if not, surely after all these years, for better or worse should stand in this instance.

He sounds like a petulant child who is sulking because you dared to be difficult to live with and he didn’t have this simple life – sorry but life has plenty of downs that we all have to live with from time to time – so what if you were a complete monster – it’s called the real world.

IMHO. Stop apologising to him. Stop showering him with trips, presents and surprises because quite frankly, he doesn’t deserve it.

Tell the man to grow a pair of balls, get over himself, and start acting like a complete and utter prat.

All you have said in the thread makes me pictures you as an extremely apologetic woman, who would do anything to be forgiven. I noticed the comment about the crumbs you wrote earlier on and the fact you OH smiled at that? I think he is rather enjoying making you suffer. He may say he is not playing games but I'm not sure he is not!

poltergeist wrote: »

He could be sulking I won't contest that but also his emotions are valid, respected and not in dispute. I am sure he is angry, resentful, revengefull even? I am sure he is unhappy, fed up and been given a terrible few years which he never asked for, expected or is to blame in any way for. He put up with them, he showed loved, care, consideration, understanding, support, now he does not have so many positive emotions, I have turned them into negatives. He is battered down, I caused that.

Yes we are married.

He never deserved the monster, trying to make it up to him is the least he deserves.

Yes, he has feelings but so do you and although he complained about how badly you treated him he is now treating you just as badly.

Bella73 wrote: »

My tuppence worth is...stop trying so hard.

I'm guessing he's about the same age so the sex thing could well be that he is actually suffering from erectile dysfunction and it is easier to blame your previous behaviour rather than admit the issue.

But only he can come to terms with that.

But I really do think you need to step back and stop apologising. I am wondering why you are now walking on egg shells? Ok by your admission you were a bit if a nightmare to live with, hey ho it happens so guessing you are not any longer now that you recognise the behaviour which caused the problem so why are you still constantly apologising I just don't understand. You've apologised that bit is over with now.

Stop stressing about it all and it might get better just by being more pleasant to live with but it will take time, it took time to fall apart so give it time to build things again.

Hope you are able to work things out.

I also agree with this post above. Stop apologising! You've done it. You don't need to do it again.

And I also think that perhaps it's not that he doesn't want to have sex with you, but perhaps he is not able. After all his excuses for refusing you are really poor!

Perhaps reversed psychology? If you withdraw all the attention, all the effort you are making he might notice? Get a bit worried? because at the moment you are practically begging him to get your old relationship back.

Zara77

I don't normally comment on other people's relationships but here goes. From what i can gather you love your husband and he loves you,so far so good. It is an excellent starting point-relationships require work and loads of patience. To me it feels like your both in a bit of a rut,playing constant roles that are expected of you both. I think now would good be time to switch things up a little. If you can afford it, how about trying to fall in love all over again? Maybe go away on that holiday that you both have always wanted? Then you both have something to plan together and enjoy. It doesn't have to expensive if money is an issue-camping/hostels and exploring type holiday,tend to be quite inexpensive( borrow equipment,or buy from charity stores and don't forget ebay). It is very easy when two people have together for a really long to just fall into routines and forget what brought them together in the first place.

As for trying so hard,has everyone else on here has said your husband needs time.
Maybe get yourself involved in charity work or some kind of hobby-just so you are not so concentrated on this matter all the time. It is healthy to have individual interests-maybe do something that helps you to discover other aspects of what you are capable of? Since you both have been together since you were 15yrs old, you probably have not taken a bit of time just to pursue your own interests.
In terms of spicing things up, you seem to have an idea about what is cheap? Buying a few new bits that you are comfortable with doesn't have to be cheap. It is about being happy to change things a little and trusting your partner. He has stuck with you and obviously really cares for you. He just needs you to take a few steps towards him and trust him.
I really hope you both rediscover what drew you together because love that can last as long as yours, is worth fighting for!
Zara

poltergeist

His excuses for not wanting sex are indeed poor, he has no erectile dysfunction and is able to have one without any bedroom issues. His refusal of me is more like it not his erection.

I am not or ever going to be some pleading and begging crumbling wreck, I said that before, I told him that and he fully agrees, I would not be able to look myself in the mirror if I had to cower down like that to hold onto a relationship, I have enough confidence and value myself higher than that.

Bella- walking on egg shells? Well yes and no, yes because I would like the relationship to run smoother and no I would never go back to treating him the way I did.

Nfellows- you sound quite angry. What do I get, yes I went through hell, put him through hell, I came out the other side, he became cold, distant and emotionless I would guess because like he said he feels battered down, it was draining, hard living with the rollercoaster , the moods, all what I have said before.

He is not jumping ship and going oh right she is over it I did my bit I'm off, he is here, cold but here and the question still is how to get it back? No I won't be telling him where to go.

Joons- it is a long while now, I changed from a monster to a tryer. I don't feel good about causing him pain no, I don't feel good about seeing him this fed up and negative knowing I caused this to another person no. I do value myself and know I am not the worst person ever, I have a lot of good going for me.

What would I have done? The same as he is doing, put up with it, supported him, been there for him every step of the way, then not being able to put up with it one moment longer told him enough is enough please change, please stop and been full of negatives and drained as he is, the same I guess but I would not have gone and neither has he.

Joons

It's a long while ago now, so how long are you prepared to wait for forgiveness, you are incredibly patient with him, I think I would have lost my rag by now! All he is doing is continuing the misery for both of you. You really need a proper heart to heart cos I'm not really understanding what the problem here is anymore, perhaps he is thinking something completely different from you.

As for what you would do, would you really be acting the way he is right now?

Maybe it just needs more time, it is a great healer after all.

nfollows1982

I won't be making any further comment.

You are too far in denial to take heed of any reasonable advice.

I suggest you return to worshipping this seemingly god like figure!

sillysid

maybe he's just sad, wants some peace.

Life experiences change people and sometimes you can't go back to who you used to be, and become different you.

Maybe you have to get used to the new him.

poltergeist

January20 wrote: »

Got in quite late in the discussion and didn't want to post until I read all the posts and I must say that I agree 100% with the post below.



All you have said in the thread makes me pictures you as an extremely apologetic woman, who would do anything to be forgiven. I noticed the comment about the crumbs you wrote earlier on and the fact you OH smiled at that? I think he is rather enjoying making you suffer. He may say he is not playing games but I'm not sure he is not!



Yes, he has feelings but so do you and although he complained about how badly you treated him he is now treating you just as badly.



I also agree with this post above. Stop apologising! You've done it. You don't need to do it again.

And I also think that perhaps it's not that he doesn't want to have sex with you, but perhaps he is not able. After all his excuses for refusing you are really poor!

Perhaps reversed psychology? If you withdraw all the attention, all the effort you are making he might notice? Get a bit worried? because at the moment you are practically begging him to get your old relationship back.

I am too old to play games, reverse psychology? Great idea but games? If we both go about our business we will never get the chance to meet in the middle, no games.

I am apologetic, I am not pathetic, he knows that, I know that, I still have my pride intact, I still can hold my head up high and say I would never ever plead or beg or stoop so low I could never get back up again.

Do you know I never looked at it that way that he is treating me as badly as I treated him? That is a very good point and I am thanking you for it, mine was not intentional and neither is his, I don't think it is spite but I question if it's revenge or anger or resentment etc as I have previously posted?

He is able to have sex.

January20

poltergeist wrote: »

yes I went through hell, put him through hell, I came out the other side, he became cold, distant and emotionless I would guess because like he said he feels battered down, it was draining, hard living with the rollercoaster , the moods, all what I have said before.

.

This is what I don't understand. He told you he wasn't happy and you changed. You made a great effort to better your attitude and save your marriage and then, what? He becomes distant and emotionless. I really don't understand that and that's why I don't buy him saying he is not playing games.

PS: just saw your reply to my post: I don't suggest you play games. I hope it didn't come across that I was suggesting that because I agree with you, playing games is a waste of time.