I'm in a bit of a pickle can you help?

poltergeist

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I won't be making any further comment.

You are too far in denial to take heed of any reasonable advice.

I suggest you return to worshipping this seemingly god like figure!

Ok I don't worship anyone, not even myself

BlondeHeadOn

Right, I am going to suggest a complete change of tack on this, as the OP seems to be in a rut where all of her energy is being drained by this situation with her husband.

I think you need to take a huge step backwards, and concentrate on doing something really different and good for yourself for a change, something that gets you out of the house, makes you laugh, is fun and enjoyable, and makes you happy. Something just for you, not for your husband, just you. Something to give you back an identity as a confident, contented and fun person, not the unhappy apologetic woman you are at the moment.

So maybe something like one of the below:
Dance classes
Join a choir
Voluntary work
A sports club
Art classes
A walking holiday
Become a stand-up comedienne yourself (that would make him sit up and take notice!)
Learn pole dancing
Join and amateur dramatics society
Anything else you really enjoy or would like to have a go out - just do it!

The you will be a much more fulfilled and contented person, and he will sit up and take notice...

... and if he doesn't, well you are by now a much more contented and fulfilled person, and will have made new friends, so your life will no longer just revolve around your OH anyway.

Life is too short to spend all this time apologising and trying to second guess why your OH is being like he is. If he won't tell you, then change your own life for the better anyway.

That's my tuppence-worth!

poltergeist

January20 wrote: »

This is what I don't understand. He told you he wasn't happy and you changed. You made a great effort to better your attitude and save your marriage and then, what? He becomes distant and emotionless. I really don't understand that and that's why I don't buy him saying he is not playing games.

PS: just saw your reply to my post: I don't suggest you play games. I hope it didn't come across that I was suggesting that because I agree with you, playing games is a waste of time.

My OH is a very practical, sensible, easy going man, he has a great deal of qualities that I value and love and some can be seen in our children, he also has others that are annoying, irratating etc, he is not perfect, I don't hero worship him, he is not a saint, I am not perfect, it's just a marriage, we are no differet to anyone else, this is not romeo and juliet, it's just us and we have lost us, I lost us, I wanted to come on here and see what others thought if they had been through this hell and got out the other side and had ideas, hints and tips, do this do that etc

I have thought of a holiday zara but that is just taking your probems with you?

Maybe you are right sillysid, all I have got in the marriage favour is that he is here, hardly worth the paper it's writen on, I am trying to create more

poltergeist

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

Right, I am going to suggest a complete change of tack on this, as the OP seems to be in a rut where all of her energy is being drained by this situation with her husband.

I think you need to take a huge step backwards, and concentrate on doing something really different and good for yourself for a change, something that gets you out of the house, makes you laugh, is fun and enjoyable, and makes you happy. Something just for you, not for your husband, just you. Something to give you back an identity as a confident, contented and fun person, not the unhappy apologetic woman you are at the moment.

So maybe something like one of the below:
Dance classes
Join a choir
Voluntary work
A sports club
Art classes
A walking holiday
Become a stand-up comedienne yourself (that would make him sit up and take notice!)
Learn pole dancing
Join and amateur dramatics society
Anything else you really enjoy or would like to have a go out - just do it!

The you will be a much more fulfilled and contented person, and he will sit up and take notice...

... and if he doesn't, well you are by now a much more contented and fulfilled person, and will have made new friends, so your life will no longer just revolve around your OH anyway.

THank you.

I know this comes across as everything I do or say is about my OH and can't do anything without thinking about it etc etc but it's not like that, this is writing this but my life does not start and stop with OH etc etc there is much more than that in it

BlondeHeadOn

poltergeist wrote: »

THank you.

I know this comes across as everything I do or say is about my OH and can't do anything without thinking about it etc etc but it's not like that, this is writing this but my life does not start and stop with OH etc etc there is much more than that in it

Hmmm. Your life really doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun though.....

:cool:

consultant31

I think it's time you stopped trying so hard.

It can be mightily hard work trying to keep up with someone who is determined that you WILL have a good time when you're feeling like all you want is calm and rest.

Step back a little. Be nice, but a little distant. Cook him a meal he will enjoy, get a DVD in that you know he's going to want to watch (preferably something funny). Get a bottle of wine and watch it together.

When it's over, go to bed, kiss him, say 'night love, see you in the morning, and be the first to turn your back.

I truly think you're overwhelming him. Giving him space may well be best course to follow at the moment.

sillysid

I don't mean to sound negative - just folk change - I get that he was at end of tether, so he talked to you...

now he must be stunned as you've gone full circle, all singing and dancing, outings, feelings, etc.

and I get that are now atoning by being the best you possible...

but honest, for me, all that change would disorientate me as much as being a harpy in first place.

back off, chill, get off here, watch a crappy movie.

I would defo suggest a hoilday, but only if it's just you 2 - no kids - we went on a cheap as chips cruise once and it was such a laugh, plus there is so much to see and do - so many people to talk too, you end up laughing, enjoying each other. revitalised.

changing is hard, and worse when all the blah-blah of ordinary has to continue.

Life is tiring, give him (and you) an emotional rest...

FBaby

You talk about your feelings and actions as well as his as if everything was planned and thought through. I'm sure when you were difficult, you were not so because you wanted to. You had things on your mind which affected how you acted and reacted, without being aware of the impact this had on others. I am assuming you didn't plan of acting the way you did, you were just expressing badly your feelings at the time.

Well I would think it is just the same for your husband at the moment. For whatever reasons, he is emotionally affected. There could be various reasons, the least being that maybe he is tired of all the upheaval, having to adjust to cope differently with how you react. It is exhausting to share your life with someone unpredictable, and maybe he got so used to how you were before, he is now struggling to adjust to the 'new' you.

The only thing you seem to be demanding from him is a little sign that there is hope and that you should continue to make efforts to make up for your previous behaviour and you are frustrated that he isn't giving you these signs, to the point that you even question whether he is planning his distant behaviour just to punish you. Most likely, he isn't capable of giving you those positive signs because he doesn't know what tomorrow will be like. He is taking things day by day and making you believe that the future will be fine when he doesn't know would not be honest with you.

If it is a case that he is emotionally confused, how could he reassure you that he isn't and know what he wants?

I know how hard it is to make so much efforts to better things when you get no guarantees at all that it is all worth doing. It is frustrating, but you are better accepting it as an investment. You put a lot into it, if it works, the rewards are high (you have your marriage back on track), if it doesn't, you've wasted efforts and energy, but at least you can move on without regrets of not having tried hard.

poltergeist

Thank you for the replies, they have all helped me a lot.

No I never thought or planned to be horrible to him, far from it but I was. I take on board I am trying to hard and he is sick and tired of being in this emotional turmoil, I would be. It is draining like he said.

We went out for dinner, I thought we had a lovely time, I was hoping for sex, I asked him for sex, he said tomorrow ( tomorrow never comes right?) I lay there for over an hour, then came down. It is out of my comfort zone all this asking so don't think I will be asking again, it's too brutal to get a no.

I know I should expect this, accept this, that you are so right that he is adjusting probably to it being back to normal and not such hard work, I am just going to have to accept that like you say there are no guarantees and the one thing I don't want is a seperation.

I want my marriage to work, now I am taking the rough, patience, I presume there is nothing I can help him with, he just has to work it through on his own, even so he knows I am here.

Such a shame, such a waste of the good times, a marriage if this cannot be turned around.

CFC

poltergeist wrote: »

Thank you for the replies, they have all helped me a lot.

No I never thought or planned to be horrible to him, far from it but I was. I take on board I am trying to hard and he is sick and tired of being in this emotional turmoil, I would be. It is draining like he said.

We went out for dinner, I thought we had a lovely time, I was hoping for sex, I asked him for sex, he said tomorrow ( tomorrow never comes right?) I lay there for over an hour, then came down. It is out of my comfort zone all this asking so don't think I will be asking again, it's too brutal to get a no.

I know I should expect this, accept this, that you are so right that he is adjusting probably to it being back to normal and not such hard work, I am just going to have to accept that like you say there are no guarantees and the one thing I don't want is a seperation.

I want my marriage to work, now I am taking the rough, patience, I presume there is nothing I can help him with, he just has to work it through on his own, even so he knows I am here.

Such a shame, such a waste of the good times, a marriage if this cannot be turned around.

There's nothing to say that men can't or don't use sex as a weapon, you know.....
Please stop trying so hard.
Don't ask for sex with him.
If you had a good time with him, just say you had a good time and be happy and yourself. Let him get over himself as I think he's making a massive meal of it. Sounds like an epic sulker to me.