They forgot my birthday!!

Sommer43

sooty&sweep has made some excellent points. There is not much communicating going on. Only toxic anger and resentment... Him for the debt, OP for her birthday. Anger and resentments are like a cancer, they grow and grow.

meritaten

alwaysworried - first of all - Happy Birthday hun.
second - you worry me. I know you messed up - but, you are working at it and trying to make amends.
I worry that you are relating events to messing up - it may not be so hun - but you seem too scared to ask! why not ask OH if he forgot your birthday? or ask the kids why mummy didn't get a card? its reasonable to do so.
I think I know why - you are too scared! you are scared that OH is going to answer in a way which will anger you and you are scared to ask the kids in case the answer makes you feel worse!
BUT - you have to steel yourself and ask OH at least! if he genuinely forgot then he would understand how upset you feel. if he is still punishing you - then this is what you are afraid of I think - you know you cannot spend the rest of your life with this person. and you shouldn't! its childish and petty! and you don't deserve it!

Treevo

So the OP runs up £15,000 of secret debt and expects her husband to pay it back when she's finally caught out (for the second time) and she's the victim here?

I see we've already had the 'poor little terrified lady' and the 'big mean bully of a man' explanation. She should leave him - and she should take her debt with her and leave her husband and children to live the life they deserve without having to make sacrifices because mummy can't control her spending habits.

ecgirl07

Treevo wrote: »

So the OP runs up £15,000 of secret debt and expects her husband to pay it back when she's finally caught out (for the second time) and she's the victim here?

I see we've already had the 'poor little terrified lady' and the 'big mean bully of a man' explanation. She should leave him - and she should take her debt with her and leave her husband and children to live the life they deserve without having to make sacrifices because mummy can't control her spending habits.

tis the way of mse - husband who has taken all the debt on his 0% cards and is putting all his overtime to paying off the debt is the bad guy for having golf as a hobby and forgetting his wife's birthday. I think i would be pretty resentful and horrible to live with if my partner ran up debts that meant we all had to tighten our belts and i was paying it off....

OP in all you posts on this and your dfdiary there is no indication of how the household finances are run. Sounds like you and your husband need to sort this out giving you x amount for household spending and small x amount a month for your pocket money.That way you can buy shoes without having a fight.

Not sure if you work but getting your wages paid into a joint bank account, having no credit cards in your name then getting your monthly budget transferred to your bank account may go a long way to reassuring your husband and building his trust in the future.

suki1001

ecgirl07 wrote: »

I think i would be pretty resentful and horrible to live with if my partner ran up debts that meant we all had to tighten our belts and i was paying it off....

Surely you'd split up if you felt that way about someone? My oh has been annoyed when I've not been good with money, but we've worked together to find solutions to work it out so that he has more control and I have less. Any anger is short lived.
Having to live with someone who really resents me - I'm sorry do you punish them for an undisclosed amount of time?

Idiophreak

suki1001 wrote: »

Surely you'd split up if you felt that way about someone?

There are children involved. I guess it's not quite as easy as "I'm cross with you about this, so let's split up"....

Sommer43

Treevo wrote: »

So the OP runs up £15,000 of secret debt and expects her husband to pay it back when she's finally caught out (for the second time) and she's the victim here?

I see we've already had the 'poor little terrified lady' and the 'big mean bully of a man' explanation. She should leave him - and she should take her debt with her and leave her husband and children to live the life they deserve without having to make sacrifices because mummy can't control her spending habits.

I don't think she "expects" as blunt as your post is. He decided that he was going to place the debts on his 0% cards. After telling her to call the bank and put her debts onto the mortgage.

There is little communication going on. Yes, she is terrified of him in what she writes and he has spent money on a golf club membership, but if they're in debt and it's being managed, then there is nothing wrong with having hobbies.

She's clearly not great with money, he's in control and she has run up debts behind his back. I understand his resentment. However, I, do not believe that if he chooses to remain with her, then both of them should sort it out sensibly. It's clear from her post that there are underlying resentments here.

She needs to stand up to him. He needs to tackle her on her continual spending and if they cannot agree, then they clearly are incompatible and have different financial outlooks.

The victim? There are no victims in this, even though she has come across as one. Why does there always have to be a victim?

I get the jist of your post, a little harsh, but I can see your point. You're clearly a black and white person.

onlyroz

My husband would require a reminder about a week in advance. As for my parents, well the family joke is that they forgot my 21st and booked a holiday to Florida, which meant that my Aunt arranged a party for me.

piglet74

I also have just read ur DFD and I think that its some kind of punishment maybe?

You haven't updated it recently, but from reading ur posts from around christmas time, your husband seemed to be really cross one min and then ok with you the next, so maybe this is what is happening at the moment, maybe he feels like you don't really "deserve" a birthday present so he just doesn't mark the occasion?

I really do hope I am not right

suki1001

Idiophreak wrote: »

There are children involved. I guess it's not quite as easy as "I'm cross with you about this, so let's split up"....

This scenario put across was more than being cross though.If my oh was so resentful to me, even with children I would consider the future of my marriage.