They forgot my birthday!!

Caroline73_2

In the weeks up to our birthdays my husband and I discuss what we want to do to celebrate.

Do you not even mention it to him beforehand? I might just say something like "I quite fancy a Chinese takeaway and a movie for my birthday this year." I can't imagine being a relationship where that isn't the norm.

Sommer43

Idiophreak wrote: »

Bit of a one-sided assessment, I reckon... try a little empathy with the husband.

Personally, I'd be gutted if my wife revealed she'd run up a bunch of debts I didn't know about - we're supposed to tell each other everything. You know what, I'm not perfect and I can imagine myself being pretty angry about it and struggling to trust her again...Then, in the first sale that comes up after telling me about it, she runs out and starts buying herself more stuff without telling me (OP doesn't mention this, but it's hard to imagine her saying "I need to go out and buy some boots because my current ones are irreparable" and it kicking off a massive argument, especially when their finances don't seem too bad)...Yeah, I'd not be happy.

That said, I'd *never* not acknowledge my wife's birthday, however cross I was - something's very wrong there.

I'd also ground my 16 year old kid until they stopped being a self-obsessed little twerp.

Happy Birthday, anyway, OP

I don't disagree. Of course one would feel gutted if one's partner had racked up a load of debts and not told their other half too. I would certainly feel gutted. Gutted, being the operative word. But, you have a reasoned argument in your post, Sir. You sound like a reasonable man. You have openly stated you would not not acknowledge your wife's birthday. People who are in debt are scared, worried, frightened to admit it. Loving couples after the initial hurt subsides do come through these situations.

The husband kicked off at her for buying a £15 pair of boots. Yet, he bought himself a golf club membership. That is a time consuming expensive hobby. And here we have a wife, writing on a forum that not one member of her family have acknowledged her birthday? She daren't treat herself because he would kick off? She feels guilty because she ran up debts? One small card and encouraging the kids to make mum a birthday cake (coz those are the best, the wonky ones) and to give mum a break on her day? Nope. He treats himself to a gift that will be over £400 and she gets nothing? And is then frightened to mention "Hey guys, you know what it was my birthday today and not one of you remembered it, have I done something so terribly wrong?"

*Louise*

Okay, it's happened and it's horrible...so what are you going to do to sort things out?

The fact he hasn't said or done anything gives me the impression you husband has genuinely forgotten and it's your guilt about the debt which is making you think he has done it on purpose. I think if that was the reason, then he would have just told you he wasn't getting you a present.

I'm not saying that is excusable, I'm just saying the reason might not be as bad as you think.


As for everyone else...how is your facebook set up? I know that I get notifications about EVERYONE's birthdays, so I can send messages, and in return on my birthday I get messages from people I haven't seen in 20 years lol. I find it hard to believe that every single person on your friends list saw it was your birthday and no one could be bothered writing anything? So I really think you should have a look at your privacy settings.


If I was in your current situation I would sit my family down and tell them straight: 'It was my birthday yesterday' and see how they react.....it may be shock, guilt, etc but at least you will know...and if your husband has done it on purpose you will find out for sure. At least then you get to ask why instead of quietly making yourself feel bad.

marisco_2

alwaysworried wrote: »

My husband forgot my birthday therefore the kids never mentioned it!! My parents and my siblings didn't remember either or either that they just think that it will be okay to say something to me next time I see then and I might get a card then.

I think that is really awful and feel so sorry for you. Your husbands behaviour is inexcusable. He has not forgotten your birthday, he has chosen not to recognise it or make it special for you. What a horrible way to carry on. As you say you were not expecting an expensive gift, but it costs so little to buy a lovely card and to make a fuss of someone by being kind.

Apart from anything else it is a thoroughly bad example to set to your children. I am sure they would have wanted to do something to make their mums day special.

What is wrong with your parents and siblings also? You dont wish someone a 'Happy Birthday' as a second thought the next time you see them. If you cant be bothered to remember them on the day itself then it is inuslting to them to comment on it days or weeks later. Address it with them calmly and see what they say. I think you have been treated very shabbily by those who should be caring for you most.

:bdaycake: Happy Birthday OP

Triker

If it were me, I think I'd make sure everyone was in earshot whilst I sang loudly, Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEE, each line getting louder and louder and really draw out the third line.....on the To MEEEEEEEEEEE, (kind of scream it) and then retire to bed with a bottle of wine.


But then I'm a bit that way out these days.:D

May work for you, you never know.:)


Serious though OP, many happy returns on your birthday.:bdaycake::wave:

SuzieSue

Caroline73 wrote: »

In the weeks up to our birthdays my husband and I discuss what we want to do to celebrate.

Do you not even mention it to him beforehand? I might just say something like "I quite fancy a Chinese takeaway and a movie for my birthday this year." I can't imagine being a relationship where that isn't the norm.

Yes, I agree. We never buy each other anything not even cards (neither of us can be bothered with buying gifts), but we always talk about our birthdays and joke about what we would get each other if we did buy each other things.

Sommer43

Triker wrote: »

If it were me, I think I'd make sure everyone was in earshot whilst I sang loudly, Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEE, each line getting louder and louder and really draw out the third line.....on the To MEEEEEEEEEEE, (kind of scream it) and then retire to bed with a bottle of wine.


But then I'm a bit that way out these days.:D

May work for you, you never know.:)


Serious though OP, many happy returns on your birthday.:bdaycake::wave:

That's the language I speak... My ex husband forgot my birthday, he was always asking what date it was. This was back in 1992 and I left the chequebook out with a list of bills to pay and he shouted upstairs to me and asked the date. I told him it was the day after my birthday. He felt awful. Kids were small then, so wouldn't expect them to remember.

poorly_scammo

This to me doesn't seem to be necessarily about your birthday OP. This appears to be a husband using your birthday as a stick with which to beat you reagarding your debt issues.

I agree with sommer43, that you seem scared of your husband in that you don't want to make a fuss over his lack of recognition of your birthday and don't want to spend even a small amount of money on yourself. In my opinion, you need to thrash out how your OH really feels about your debt issues, as at the moment he seems to simmering with resentment about the whole thing but neither you nor he seem to want to confront the issue head on.

As for your family, if my parents 'forgot' my birthday, I'd be on the phone asking them where their card was but that's just me and my family. I take it that you never 'forget' theirs? Maybe you should and start thinking about yourself. It's hard to offer advice about this as I don't have a lot to go on. Perhaps your family are the reason that you've suffered from depression? If so, then try and take better care of yourself. Put yourself first for a change.

The kids - well, they seem to be taking the lead from their father and as above this is something you need to speak to him about.

I hope you don't think I'm reading too much into this but I get the strong impression that your 'missing' birthday has little to do with the birthday itself.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'll send you a present OP;

An hour consultation with a divorce lawyer.

thatgirlsam

I always mention my birthday in the run up, so the kids don't forget and then feel gutted. I used to pretend to be thinking aloud and say 'Now.. my birthday is on xxx, hmmm what would I like, I know! A hand drawn picture, wouldn't that be lovely' etc

Now my dd is older she would remember on her own, she has been to poundland in secret to get me something on mothers day, and from her brother bless her - I know because I heard him shouting upstairs - YES I WANT TO GIVE IT TO HER.. BUT I DON'T WANT TO GIVE YOU A POUND

Haha, I refuse to be offended!

OP- I really doubt your family forgot on purpose, you must know that your children love you? They will be gutted when they realise they missed it.