Only child v having siblings

notanewuser

mumlady1 wrote: »

As an only child myself i would never inflict that on any child of mine
I do understand that this is a personal choice for a parent but you have to consider more than just the immediate future. For example, do you have a large and very close family that your only child will be supported by? Are there lots of cousins of a similar age to keep your child 'company'

She has 3 cousins at the moment (she's the eldest) and 2 more on the way but as I've already said they live 250+ miles away. Locally she already has very good friends and is well socialised with both adults and children.

mumlady1 wrote: »

Lots of only children tell their parents they are perfectly happy as only children but its not until they are older that he full implications of this kick in. Many only children are lonely children & continue to be lonely adults partly because they have never had to get used to sharing, negotiating or considering anyone other than themselves. What happens when parents get older? The burden of care falls on 1 child.

I could have a hundred children - I wouldn't want to be a burden to a single one of them. I want DD to do anything she wants to. She can go and live on the moon if she wants to. I shan't be burdening her with caring for me.

mumlady1 wrote: »

Aside from my own experience I now work with children (from toddlers to late teens) and I can spot an only child from half a mile away!

In what way?

mumlady1 wrote: »

Regards the pregnancy & birth thing - my first pregnancy was awful & the birth was very difficult however I was so determined to give my baby a sibling I was prepared to do it again & I did. Dreadful pregnancy & difficult birth but I (and my 2 kids) are delighted I did!

Congratulations.

go_cat

I only have one son who is almost 6 and had a traumatic birth and me and :DS nearly died, so the decision to have any more has been taken away giving been advised not to risk another pregnancy.

However, I still feel really bad for my son who will grow up on his own with no siblings, he is the most important thing in the world to me and I had to weigh up the risk of him potentially losing hs mummy just to give him a sibling and it just isn't worth it.

ddebski_us

We're having the same discussion currently (albeit, the other way round!). We have a 17 month old DD and wouldn't be without her. She's our life.

We're reasonably well-off at the moment (both work full time - extremely hard, but we have money to do things with her) and we often discuss whether it is best to have another baby for her to have a sibling and forgo some of the activities/holidays etc she may be able to have if she's alone.

I have a sister; we never really got on/get on (chalk and cheese) but we are there for each other in times of crisis (e.g. Dad's diagnosis with terminal cancer and quick demise).

On the other hand, DH is an only child and has to deal with his mother's ongoing (4 years and counting) cancer battle on his own (other than me, obviously).

I think the best life we can give DD is for her to have a sibling. Better than any holiday/activity money can buy. DH isn't convinced as he thinks it'll be too much hard work (obviously, we won't both be able to work FT).

It's an ongoing conversation in our household. Luckily, I'm running a marathon for Dad in October and so we have 9 months until we can start trying anyway, so we have time to make a decision. Who knows what life will throw at us before then......!!

xDx

pigpen

mumlady1 wrote: »

As an only child myself i would never inflict that on any child of mine
I do understand that this is a personal choice for a parent but you have to consider more than just the immediate future. For example, do you have a large and very close family that your only child will be supported by? Are there lots of cousins of a similar age to keep your child 'company'

I have 23 cousins (my mum is one of 6 my dad 1 of 3) and I was so incredibly jealous of their siblinghood

Lots of only children tell their parents they are perfectly happy as only children but its not until they are older that he full implications of this kick in. Many only children are lonely children & continue to be lonely adults partly because they have never had to get used to sharing, negotiating or considering anyone other than themselves. What happens when parents get older? The burden of care falls on 1 child.

LOL... I complained incessantly that I hated being by myself from being very little, 4 or 5

Aside from my own experience I now work with children (from toddlers to late teens) and I can spot an only child from half a mile away!

It is fairly obvious.. they are definitely more needy/demanding of adult attention and cling to peers yet don't fully understand how to interact with them. I remember being like this and I can see it in my niece, she really struggles with socialising with other children, despite going to nursery and playing with my lot. and she is such hard work.. she wants entertaining 24/7 whereas mine are happy to pootle about doing their own thing.

Regards the pregnancy & birth thing - my first pregnancy was awful & the birth was very difficult however I was so determined to give my baby a sibling I was prepared to do it again & I did. Dreadful pregnancy & difficult birth but I (and my 2 kids) are delighted I did!

Most of my deliveries have been awful.. but had my second child or the last one been first I would hhave seriously considered having more.. I'd have looked at adoption so they weren't alone though.

It is hard for only children dealing with sick/failing parents by themselves, my uncle (by marriage) had to deal with all his mothers stuff, her house and death and funeral with noone he felt who understood. We have designated my youngest sister to look after our mother when she is old and batty.. she will be a holy terror.

Bottleofrum

notanewuser wrote: »

DH and I have 1 daughter, who is enchanting and cheeky and the light of our lives. She's now 28 months.

I was unconvinced about parenthood for many years. I wouldn't be without DD, but equally I'm not convinced that I want any more children, for lots of reasons.

We've just spent the weekend with DH's family, including a newborn and 2 bumps and I had to endure DH's broodiness all the way home.

I had an easy pregnancy but a difficult and traumatic birth experience and I'm not very happy about the thought of going through that again.

I told DH I didn't want to think about it yet, and that I likely don't want any more and he was quite upset about that. He and his 3 brothers are quite close, whereas my sister and I are not.

I'm 35 so will have to decide one way or the other fairly soon.

So, how did you decide whether or not to stop at one?

Hi OP,

I am glad you have such a happy little girl .

I am married with 2 children, my eldest is 5 in less than 2 weeks, she is clever and very adventurous, bit cheeky at times as well.:eek:

Also we have an 8 month old son, he is great but at times with all babies can be very draining, and demand a lot of attention. The down side is when we had our 2nd, understandably our relationship got put back, because just as our eldest was going to school etc and growing up, our relationship got that little bit better, due to less stress and more time together.

The good thing is though, I am so happy I have two kids and feel very privileged. My wife's first birth was 2 weeks overdue and very traumatic, she almost died due to blood loss, this was shocking to experience for me, So I can only imagine how she felt.

My youngest was born the day after his due date, what are the odds , and the birth was so fast, from going into labor to getting to the hospital and giving birth was about 3 hours! and she just had gas and air, but did not really use the gas just bit the mouth piece :rotfl:. I am so proud of her for giving me two amazing kids, and I would say that having a second will put a strain on your relationship, but in the long-term it will be worth it.

missty25

Hi,

I had my DD 5 years ago and had pre eclampsia, haemorrhage and blood transfusion due to fetal distress and uterine atrophy. I and my OH always wanted 2 children but after this I changed my mind and couldn't even think about going through another traumatic birth.

Fast forward 3 years and through talking OH still wanted another child, I didn't but thought about it and we talked, talked, talked.

Thinking of myself I am the youngest of 3 with 7 and 15 year age gap between my older siblings. I lost me Mum aged 15 and had it not been for my older siblings I dont know what would have happened to me, yes my Dad was around but very much living his own life and I literally could get away with murder and used to disappear for days at a time. I'm rambling, anyway, thinking about my DD for the future Abd should anything happen to me I would hate to think of her being an only child. Also all the only children I know, generally are more materialistic, which I think again is personal to each family but I wouldn't want to be like that with my DD but know deep down it would happen over the years should she remain an only child.

Due to increasing age and fertility issues I had decided that I do really want another child, so am now due in 5 weeks and have had a horrendous pregnancy and like others have said if this was my first I wouldn't have done it again. I know I Definately will not have anymore after this and I am delivering by planned c section due to having an increased risk of haemorrhage again.

It's such a personal choice but you asked how others came to the decision and the above are mines.

Last thing, I am not sure how life would be in years to come if I decided not to have another child knowing my OH did, would resentment build up over time etc. although this is not a reason to have another child. Only you can decide, it's your life and relationship.

Spendless

I also had a bad birth with my eldest. An emergency c-section because his head was stuck, lost a lot of blood, there was a reason they couldn't do a blood transfusion, which I've forgotten (not due to religious reasons) and I ended up in high dependancy with both arms attached to drips for the first night and struggled to bond with son. I was also told that my 'bits' weren't the right shape to deliver naturally and I would need c-sections in future pregnancies. 15 months previously I had ended a pregnancy when we were told our baby was so severly ill he was unlikely at live more than a few minutes as best case scenario, so I had never totally relaxed during the pregnancy of DS.

However, my desire to have a 2nd child overwhelmed all the above and we did have another. The only thing was because DS was born on a Sat my consultant wasn't on duty and the staff that were they didn't put what they'd said to me about needing another section on my notes, so thru-out pregnancy with DD when I kept repeating what I'd been told, they said it would have been on my notes if that had been the case. An internal examination a few days before DD was due confirmed what I'd told them!

For a few fleeting weeks I toyed with the idea of having a 3rd, but on this occassion the practicalities, physical, financial and emotional all overwhelmed the desire for another child.

That is how I knew what size family was right for me, which emotion was the strongest.

Claree__x

I'm one of 2 and pregnant with my first just now (14 weeks today - woohoo). My husband is one of 4 (2 step-siblings and one brother who's 12 years younger).

We didn't really talk about how many we'd like before I fell pregnant but I've been thinking about it since and I think that in order to do our best for simba (nickname, no plans on actually naming a baby simba!) s/he'll either be an only child or there'll be a long gap between as I want to go back to university.

**curlywurly**

I have one child, and I have never wanted another. Here are my reasons (some of which I appreciate are controversial!)

1) I do not believe that I could love another child as much as I love my daughter.

2) I do not believe siblings bring joy, only strife (I have two).

3) I believe that I was extraordinarily lucky to have one happy, healthy child, and I was concerned that if the second child was needy, the first child would be adversely affected.

4) Having one child means there is harmony in my house. Absolutely no arguments. No whining, whinging, pinching, poking, shouting or screaming. We discuss everything as a family.

5) I can give my daughter everything which I did not have, and I could not afford that for two.

As for " you can spot an only child at half a mile" - how rude. Could the same could equally be said for "I could spot a sibling at half a mile"??

andfear_2

I'm an only child, and its scary. You look around and worry, my parents split up when I was tiny and I guess mow as an adult I'm fine but you do have moments when you need to share... My dad had a CABG a couple of years back luckily i have a husband and a best friend who is also a only child (we have a sudo-sibling relationship).

I dont think I'd have an only child.

Good luck in talking.