Only child v having siblings

meritaten

notanewuser - you are an intelligent person and seem to realise the minus sides of only children - so I am sure that you will do your best to make up for any deficits.
I had three children and am one of three - my OH is one of four - so cant really relate to only children - except my No1 son is pressing his partner to have another child - and she plainly doesn't want to!
I hope they can work it out - whatever they decide is fine with me - except I do NOT want to see my future DIL railroaded into having a child she doesn't want! recipe for disaster there methinks. I think as the woman is the one to carry, give birth and will prob have to be the major caregiver - then she should have the final say!

jjj1980

I am an only child and so is my daughter. My mum was in hospital for 16 weeks when having me on bed rest due to high blood pressure and refused to risk being separated from me for that long to give me a sibling.

I ended up with very severe Pre-Eclampsia And HELLP Syndrome whilst pregnant and both mine and my daughters lives were at very real risk. I remember in snapshots re the whole experience but the one part I remember very clearly is the absolute over-whelming fear and being desperately upset at being separated from my daughter for the first three days of her life. Some people around me, including some family members think I am being selfish by refusing to have any more and that this means I am depriving my daughter of siblings and my parents of further grandchildren. However, my parents are the only ones who saw us at our worst and say that they would rather have us two safe, happy and healthy.

My now ex husband turned abusive not long after my little girl was born and from a purely personal point of view, I don't want to have children to different fathers sothere will definitely be no more for me!

Make-it-3

OP very similar situation/thoughts as you and LucyWillow. Obviously we draw on our own childhoods and experiences which is why you will get a huge range of opinions here.

I think put aside the pregnancy/birth bit because you can deal with those should they arise. As you know they are just a small part of a much longer journey.

I guess you come to a decision the way you did with the first child. Ie you will have a second if/when you are both ready. My OH is still holding out that I'll change my mind, he gets broody, but then he also appreciates what he does have too. It's unlikely he will get his wish as at nearly 44 my biological clock is probably ticking its last tocks!!!

Lunar_Eclipse

I had quite a traumatic first delivery, losing a lot of blood in the process.

However, DH & I had decided before trying for the first, that we were hoping to have two children. Neither of us were keen on having an only child, although I didn't get on well with my sister growing up. There was a brief period where I reconsidered and pondered stopping at one (she was 6 months and our life just seemed so easy) and whilst I wouldn't be without DD2 and would definitely make the same decision again, I have (daily?) moments when I wonder why I didn't stick with the quiet life that we had with just DD1.

In your situation, I think all you can do is talk it through and see what falls out of the conversations. My SIL stuck with one, despite her husband being very keen for another. She just couldn't even think about carrying, giving birth to and then mothering another person after having her first, which basically ground all conversations to halt until years passed and they stopped discussing it.

Gavin83

notanewuser wrote: »

I agree. But what when one partner wants one thing and the other another?

I'm of the opinion that it's such a big life changing decision and therefore you shouldn't have another child unless both partners want one. However it's such an emotional issue that you should fully expect the relationship to end over such a matter, although it's more likely when a partner wants no children at all.

I'm an only child. It's never bothered me and I don't feel like I've missed out. I've always had at least one really close friend though since I was a child so I guess I've kind of filled the gap. I'm also extremely comfortable by myself, can keep myself amused for as long as possible, could happily live alone, etc. I enjoy my own company and often need time to myself. I've always been like this and was happy to play alone as a child. Now I don't know if this side of my personality made my being an only child easier or if it's due to me being an only child but I'd imagine extremely social children to find not having siblings harder.

The big issue in my life is that I never want children and my parents want nothing more than to become grandparents. While it's acceptable at the moment, although hints have started, I fully expect that it will cause major problems in the future once I marry my girlfriend and her biological clock is ticking. I feel bad about it, as being an only child there isn't a sibling of mine to reproduce, but it's clearly not a good enough reason to have children.

Treevo

I wanted the option of a favourite so there was never any chance of us stopping at one.

mumlady1

As an only child myself i would never inflict that on any child of mine
I do understand that this is a personal choice for a parent but you have to consider more than just the immediate future. For example, do you have a large and very close family that your only child will be supported by? Are there lots of cousins of a similar age to keep your child 'company'

Lots of only children tell their parents they are perfectly happy as only children but its not until they are older that he full implications of this kick in. Many only children are lonely children & continue to be lonely adults partly because they have never had to get used to sharing, negotiating or considering anyone other than themselves. What happens when parents get older? The burden of care falls on 1 child.

Aside from my own experience I now work with children (from toddlers to late teens) and I can spot an only child from half a mile away!

Regards the pregnancy & birth thing - my first pregnancy was awful & the birth was very difficult however I was so determined to give my baby a sibling I was prepared to do it again & I did. Dreadful pregnancy & difficult birth but I (and my 2 kids) are delighted I did!

CH27

mumlady1 wrote: »

As an only child myself i would never inflict that on any child of mine
I do understand that this is a personal choice for a parent but you have to consider more than just the immediate future. For example, do you have a large and very close family that your only child will be supported by? Are there lots of cousins of a similar age to keep your child 'company'

Lots of only children tell their parents they are perfectly happy as only children but its not until they are older that he full implications of this kick in. Many only children are lonely children & continue to be lonely adults partly because they have never had to get used to sharing, negotiating or considering anyone other than themselves. What happens when parents get older? The burden of care falls on 1 child.

Aside from my own experience I now work with children (from toddlers to late teens) and I can spot an only child from half a mile away!

Regards the pregnancy & birth thing - my first pregnancy was awful & the birth was very difficult however I was so determined to give my baby a sibling I was prepared to do it again & I did. Dreadful pregnancy & difficult birth but I (and my 2 kids) are delighted I did!

A lot of people don't have any choice :mad:

midnightraven3

another only child who would never have had only one

i grew up in what seemed an idyllic world, typical spoiled (materially) sole focus of parents and grandparents etc

family next door had 4, poor as church mice (not the cleanest either ) and all i wanted was to be one of them much to my mother's horror:eek: :rotfl:

mu husband made it clear he wanted children (i wasnt sure)
so i said yes, but wouldnt have just one
so we had 3

even now i wish i had siblings, wish i had nieces or nephews, cousins my children could have grown up with etc

a lot of people have cited terrible pregnancies/awful labours here
i wonder how many would have had more if it had been an easy delivery?

notanewuser

Gavin83 wrote: »

I'm of the opinion that it's such a big life changing decision and therefore you shouldn't have another child unless both partners want one. However it's such an emotional issue that you should fully expect the relationship to end over such a matter, although it's more likely when a partner wants no children at all.

I'm an only child. It's never bothered me and I don't feel like I've missed out. I've always had at least one really close friend though since I was a child so I guess I've kind of filled the gap. I'm also extremely comfortable by myself, can keep myself amused for as long as possible, could happily live alone, etc. I enjoy my own company and often need time to myself. I've always been like this and was happy to play alone as a child. Now I don't know if this side of my personality made my being an only child easier or if it's due to me being an only child but I'd imagine extremely social children to find not having siblings harder.

The big issue in my life is that I never want children and my parents want nothing more than to become grandparents. While it's acceptable at the moment, although hints have started, I fully expect that it will cause major problems in the future once I marry my girlfriend and her biological clock is ticking. I feel bad about it, as being an only child there isn't a sibling of mine to reproduce, but it's clearly not a good enough reason to have children.

Thank you for this post. It's made me realise something quite interesting. Both my sister and I moved out at 18 and lived alone for many years (7+) - until meeting our current partners, actually.
I love spending time by myself and doing things by myself. Perhaps that's a "symptom" of my upbringing.

I think my husband has lived a few months on his own, if that, in the whole of his life.