Elderly disabled Dad - laundry services?

PasturesNew

It's awkward as a lot of old people are like that - stubborn and want people to do things for them, for free, even when doing so costs that person more than paying for it.

Contact social services and Age UK to see what they suggest - they must have come across this sort of thing before.

Don't advertise in Gumtree, you get "all sorts" of people in there and he probably needs to be 'protected' as he's not making good choices (is naive/vulnerable to people who he thinks are kind to him).

What's he using? He can rinse his socks/grundies out in the sink, so keep those personal ... then what? A set of bed linen/week? A towel? Some shirts? Trousers?

[Deleted User]

BigAunty wrote: »

To the OP, I don't mean for this to sound offensive but it sounds like your father is a good old-fashioned miser so your efforts to improve the quality of his life will always meet a huge degree of resistence and sabotage if it involves expense.

My experience of having a friend as a miser was frustrating. I'm not levying this at your parent but my pal spent a considerable amount of time and effort blagging favours and funding from all those around her.

Your father sounds utterly independent, even at the risk of looking grubby and living in squalor. It looks like you will always have limited influence. It must be horrible to feel so impotent while knowing quite small sums of spending could vastly improve his life. Good on you for wanting to try.

No he is indeed a miser.

Sadly, I think he likes having money just sitting there and its so ingrained in him now that it does indeed upset him if, in his head, he wastes money.

I well remember the discussions about the walk-in shower. It was estimated he'd have to pay £500 (which he could afford easily) and he seriously was not going to have it. In his head, showers dont cost £500 they cost £50 so he was getting conned (in fact, the true cost was £1500 including installation - it was a big job).

In the end, I went mad and told him if he didnt wash then social services would come around and force him to go into a home. But it worried him for weeks spending that money. Funny thing was in the end he didnt have to contribute.

The other weird thing is he gets less pension because of his savings. Anything from the social services is means tested so I try to tell him that hoarding his money just means he gets less or will have to pay more in the future so its counter-productive. Will he listen - nope.

And dont get me started on what will happen to the money if he ever cant look after himself. That'll upset him greatly but I've told him and told him to spend the money and make sure hes comfortable otherwise he might lose it all anyway.

[Deleted User]

PasturesNew wrote: »

It's awkward as a lot of old people are like that - stubborn and want people to do things for them, for free, even when doing so costs that person more than paying for it.

Contact social services and Age UK to see what they suggest - they must have come across this sort of thing before.

Don't advertise in Gumtree, you get "all sorts" of people in there and he probably needs to be 'protected' as he's not making good choices (is naive/vulnerable to people who he thinks are kind to him).

Right there. I well remember having to take time off work, drive 30 miles to pick him up from hospital, drive 30 miles back, when it would have cost under a tenner in a taxi for him. Cost me more than a tenner in petrol!

Yes need to be careful of who goes there. Thats the thing - he is generous with his money - he will give it away he just wont spend it. Its infuriating.

heartbreak_star

My mum's a bit the same - she doesn't really drive much so doesn't understand how much petrol costs these days, bless her - she also won't "wait around" for community transport for hospital appts and won't fork out for any taxi more than £10.

So I do a 35-40 mile trip before work, then a full day at work.

Still though, she's done so much for me and I love her loads - she's all I have left of my close family.

I can, however, totally sympathise that it's like talking to a brick wall with some of our parents!

HBS x

[Deleted User]

PasturesNew wrote: »

My dad wanted me to take a day off work (20 days annual leave, one gone), to drive a 40 mile round trip to the Hospital, then go back later in the day to repeat that and pick him up again.

I said Community transport would do it for Xp/mile and it'd be cheaper for me to pay for that and not have to "lose" a day's annual leave...... he nearly exploded on the spot with the fear of spending money - even mine!

Yep. Sounds like the same. Its really sad when this happens. They just dont realise that things cost money.

margaretclare

Please God, I never want to get like some of the people being described, and what's worse - DH and I are their age-group!

I do still save, because we don't know what we may need in time to come, and I enjoy seeing my investments growing. This may be because so many of us had very little in our youth and earlier years. But we do spend, as well. DH used some of his savings to change our car for a one-year-old quite recently. We're going on holiday soon, so we do spend, as well as save.

I realise it was your aunt who shot you in the foot all those years ago, Paul, volunteering to do Dad's washing. And of course, as she was a woman he thought that was quite OK. Grrrrr. Some of us don't think we were only put on this earth to be a skivvy to some bloke! But obviously, some did, and do.

BigAunty

I read an interesting article about compulsive hoarding (which I know is a different issue from compulsive saving/under-spending).

What stood out for me was the researcher's observations that hoarders had big difficulties when it comes to decision making, that part of the reason they couldn't get rid of their belongings is because they could not make decisions on which items to keep, how to group, value or categorize them, a general decision making deficit which meant that they take disproportionate time or are paralysed when it comes to making quite simple or common decisions.

So it's a huge leap to placing this on a miser, but perhaps they find making decisions on which things to purchase, their value and so forth, just too anxious or overwhelming so it's just easier to postpone or withdraw?

carefullycautious

The fear my dad had of being sent back to the poverty of his childhood meant that he actually lived in poverty albeit with the money sat in the bank so that he could always pay his bills.

His flat contained a bed, chair, wardrobe, TV and small fridge nothing else. And I mean nothing else. It taught me that we don't need a lot in life.

I did his laundry for more years than I care to remember plus cooked him meals as he refused to get a cooker. His bills were so tiny as he would not have central heating on.

At one time he said he could live on 3 pound a day and bragged about this.

I do feel for you, it is so tiring trying to reason with them. My advice is not to engage with the demands and when he mentions the washing keep reiterating what you want him to do. I'm sure there is some element of control in this.

Good luck

sleepymans

My observation (a stranger with no emotonal involvement) not wishing to be rude....
Is that this is a power struggle or manipulation.
By behaving in this way your father is manipuaating his relatives.
They come and visit and give him attention (albeit for all the wrong reasons!) even though they may well visit more often if his behaviour was more "normal".

I have a relative who can behave in a similar way. Saves all her means-tested benefits rather than spending them on her daily needs, care and comfort, and then gives younger family members largish cash handouts (sort of in return for visits but not specifically so) whilst bemoaning the £120 Waitrose want for scotch egg (grrrrr)

Hard as it is I ignore it, apart from pointng out that the choice she makes to be a miser is her choice and not one that I am going to "make allowances and jump through hoops to put right).

Leave him to it.

rach_k

I'd just leave them to it. Your brother is a grown up - if he wants to have dirty clothes, let him. It's a shame that your dad is finding it difficult but it's his decision.

Alternatively, would he accept a washing machine if it was free? Try Freecyle, Facebook etc. Even if you paid a bit for one, he wouldn't necessarily have to know - if he's really into being thrifty, a free washing machine would use far less water than hand-washing so it would probably save him money (well, compared to hand-washing properly anyway).