Elderly disabled Dad - laundry services?

rachiibell

This might sound a bit harsh but I'd just leave the pair of them to it. Once your brother has also run out of clothes he might pull his finger out and find a solution. And after what you've said about him having this responsibility could well be the making of him.

No need to be rude or cause a falling out. Each time your father hints about needing help with the washing say something along the lines of " yes I agree however my wife is ill so we won't be able to help with the practical side of things but I will be happy to help you research washing machines or a company that could help you out". End of conversation.

[Deleted User]

margaretclare wrote: »

I haven't read the whole thread, sorry. But really, my blood boils at the thought of this man being willing to allow anyone to do his washing - his sister, the OP's wife, someone's girl-friend - and to run around fetching and carrying it for him. In other words, any woman will do! He has money but won't spend it on taxis - well, of course he won't so long as someone is willing to spend time and money from a distance jumping when he says 'jump'!

As we get older we do find we pay people to do things for us which we used to do for ourselves, with ease. Cleaning windows, gardening...and if this man hadn't been mollycoddled by his sister all those years - all right, she was well-meaning, heart in the right place and he took advantage - maybe he would have thought of this before and done something about it.

You're all spot on. I tried all those years ago to get him sorted. He was recently divorced and I was the one who pushed him to get the flat.

That was a battle indeed getting him to take on a mortgage. But I didnt want him to end up in a grubby bedsit and wanted him to have somewhere nice. In the end he was well pleased with the flat.

But it came without washing machine. His sister hindered me because she said "no no I dont mind doing it. He cant do it himself" so I had no chance. But of course things change.

As the years have gone by its been a constant battle. Hes got carpets that have been down 20 years and are threadbare - he thinks pay once last forever. Hes got cupboards that are pre-world war one with doors hanging off. Same idea in his head. Hes got chairs in the living room with stuffing hanging out - he got these 15 years when someone he knew died (same idea!).

What I dont get is when I do spend ages talking him around he usually says well this is a good idea!

Hes disabled and cant get in the bath. so I contacted social services to get it converted to walk in shower - looked he was going to have to pay something towards it (in the end he didnt). He was seriously going to can it because he didnt want to pay - god only knows how he intended to wash!

He lives in a flat where theres stairs to living room then more stairs up to bedroom. He says hes never going to pay for a stairlift becaus they're a rip off!

And dont get me started on how dirty the whole place is looking!

[Deleted User]

One other thing that concerns me is that his savings are going up and up. Its like monopoly money to him.

Hes not rich but hes got enough that hes never going to spend it. Which is why its so infuriating that he refuses to spend it.

Ask him why he saves it and he says just in case and he doesnt like wasting money!

I'm afraid that if he ever can't live on his own that all this money hes saved is just going to be taken off him for care services or something. And that would really upset him!

Beckyy

A laundrette may do a collection/delivery service? Expensive but a solution.

I doubt social work/OT will do anything for him because the simple solution is that he should buy a washing machine and being disabled doesn't mean he would need one any different to the next person like he would a certain shower etc. so I don't know what they could do.

Another option may be to pay for somebody to do his laundry and ironing, a local cleaner - whether they'll be willing to do it in their own machine is debatable though.

Edit - Sorry didn't see your last post! Your brother is an adult, let them get on with it for now. I would toy with the idea of just buying one for him but it sounds like you have enough on your plate just now. That generation is just like that with money, mortified at how much everything costs!

BigAunty

To the OP, I don't mean for this to sound offensive but it sounds like your father is a good old-fashioned miser so your efforts to improve the quality of his life will always meet a huge degree of resistence and sabotage if it involves expense.

My experience of having a friend as a miser was frustrating. I'm not levying this at your parent but my pal spent a considerable amount of time and effort blagging favours and funding from all those around her.

Your father sounds utterly independent, even at the risk of looking grubby and living in squalor. It looks like you will always have limited influence. It must be horrible to feel so impotent while knowing quite small sums of spending could vastly improve his life. Good on you for wanting to try.

Mojisola

[quote=[Deleted User];65513880]
I'm afraid that if he ever can't live on his own that all this money hes saved is just going to be taken off him for care services or something. And that would really upset him![/QUOTE]

Could you use this as an argument to get him to spend some of it?

One of the OTs who came to see my parents talked to them about the benefits of accepting help and spending money by updating their home because it would preserve their independence. They realised they would rather invest in new carpets (to reduce the risk of tripping up and breaking bones), new furniture (easier to get out off) and so on than go into residential care earlier than they might otherwise need to.

BigAunty

[quote=[Deleted User];65513880]One other thing that concerns me is that his savings are going up and up. Its like monopoly money to him.

Hes not rich but hes got enough that hes never going to spend it. Which is why its so infuriating that he refuses to spend it.

Ask him why he saves it and he says just in case and he doesnt like wasting money!

[/QUOTE]

From Psychology today "The miser may want his money not for later spending, not to bridge the gap between expenditures and payments, but rather for the pure joy of holding cash balances. ... Tastes differ among people, and what is sterile for one person may be far from sterile for another."

fivetide

If your brother is there, get him to buy the machine and then dad will get use of it too. If the brother moves out he's unlikely to take a second hand washer with him surely?

thorsoak

Recognise this fact: your brother has moved in with your father - he is an adult who is perfectly capable of living on his own without your input - as he is living in your father's house, he will sort out his own laundry - and surely it is not beyond the realms of possibility to incorporate his dear old dad's dirty duds at the same time?

You have enough on your plate just now - the question of your dad's laundry is a monkey that you don't need on your shoulders - repeat - it's not my monkey!

[Deleted User]

Mojisola wrote: »

Could you use this as an argument to get him to spend some of it?

One of the OTs who came to see my parents talked to them about the benefits of accepting help and spending money by updating their home because it would preserve their independence. They realised they would rather invest in new carpets (to reduce the risk of tripping up and breaking bones), new furniture (easier to get out off) and so on than go into residential care earlier than they might otherwise need to.

Tried until I'm blue in the face.