Son not inviting all cousin to his wedding?

Person_one

poet123 wrote: »

Daughters parents are happy to pay for the whole wedding, absolutely everything.

So the upshot is the Bride's parents are being asked to pay for everything

There's the contradiction, which is it? If the money comes with strings attached then the above poster is right that they need to be very clear about it right from the start.

My parents gave me a chunk of money towards my house deposit, they don't get to choose the wallpaper or who I have to stay over.

seven-day-weekend

If I was the son I would think, 'blow this for a game of soldiers' and get married in a register office with two people off the street as witnesses and then go for a meal at the nearest Carvery.

It's their day, they should invite who they want.

poet123

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

If I was the son I would think, 'blow this for a game of soldiers' and get married in a register office with two people off the street as witnesses and then go for a meal at the nearest Carvery.

It's their day, they should invite who they want.

I agree in principle but can see why they are aggrieved that their prospective SIL has double the guest allocation because his parents are not together.

And the couple don't want a low key wedding, they want a big bash with all the bells and whistles paid for by someone else but with no input from that person.

Person_one wrote: »

There's the contradiction, which is it? If the money comes with strings attached then the above poster is right that they need to be very clear about it right from the start.

My parents gave me a chunk of money towards my house deposit, they don't get to choose the wallpaper or who I have to stay over.

They are happy to pay but they see it as a family occasion and an occasion to repay the hospitality of friends whose family weddings they have been invited to. I don't think the house analogy is sound because it is not comparable.

Person_one

poet123 wrote: »

They are happy to pay but they see it as a family occasion and an occasion to repay the hospitality of friends whose family weddings they have been invited to. I don't think the house analogy is sound because it is not comparable.

Hmm, but it isn't their occasion. If they want to repay hospitality they should host their own party rather than taking over somebody else's!

They don't have to pay for it and can withdraw the offer if they aren't happy (minus deposits already paid) but they really can't just decide they have the right to hijack the event to suit them.

marleyboy

Were it my wedding and my Dad had the privilege of getting an invite yet dared dictate and threaten not to come along as a result of my choices, I would reply "You wont be missed Dad, so feel free to spend the evening with your own tribe."

Imp

Person_one wrote: »

Hmm, but it isn't their occasion. If they want to repay hospitality they should host their own party rather than taking over somebody else's!

They don't have to pay for it and can withdraw the offer if they aren't happy (minus deposits already paid) but they really can't just decide they have the right to hijack the event to suit them.

Traditionally, the wedding celebration was a party hosted by the parents of the bride.

and the bride and groom would not even stay for the full party, they would head off half way through on their honeymoon.

Person_one

Imp wrote: »

Traditionally, the wedding celebration was a party hosted by the parents of the bride.

and the bride and groom would not even stay for the full party, they would head off half way through on their honeymoon.

That's true, things have definitely changed. Hardly anybody moves out of their parents' home into their marital home either, and women are much less likely to give up work and take their husband's name. This is all good progress!

This couple haven't asked their parents to host a wedding (I'm assuming), few do now, they have announced that they are having a wedding and (presumably) the parents then offered to foot the bill.

Nobody's forcing them to do that, it isn't expected of them anymore and nobody thinks its their responsibility, so they need to be very clear at the start on whether there are strings attached, that's all.

poet123

Person_one wrote: »

That's true, things have definitely changed. Hardly anybody moves out of their parents' home into their marital home either, and women are much less likely to give up work and take their husband's name. This is all good progress!

This couple haven't asked their parents to host a wedding (I'm assuming), few do now, they have announced that they are having a wedding and (presumably) the parents then offered to foot the bill.

Nobody's forcing them to do that, it isn't expected of them anymore and nobody thinks its their responsibility, so they need to be very clear at the start on whether there are strings attached, that's all.

To be honest I doubt they ever expected to pay for anything themselves, they haven't got the means. but they do expect complete autonomy.

Effectively, the Bride's parents will foot the bill for 150 guests of which approx 20 will be their immediate family and 40 will be the Groom's side. The rest will be friends of the couple. I think weddings should be about the family as well as the couple and that if necessary compromises should be made on all sides.

As for force and expectation, they have always expected to pay and see it as something they want to do.

teaandcakeordeath

I was in a lucky enough position that my amazing Mum paid for the majority of my small wedding. My OH and myself are both the products of split families- we still had an equal number of guests though (33 day guests between us).

I think the parents need to stipulate any conditions they have with the money but it sounds to me like the couple need to engage in some logic/ common sense too. I can't imagine expecting my Mum to pay for such a lavish ceremony of 150+ guests! Nor does it seem fair to the partner expected to invite fewer day guests because of the other partners divorced family...

claire16c

Poet that seems like an odd situation to me which is being made into a disagreement of their own doing. Firstly why on earth do they want the numbers of each families side to be exactly the same? That is totally bizarre.

If they are paying & would like to invite a friend - I think depending on how the money is being handled they should be able to do this - unless they've handed over a lump sum & said do what you like - but you would think out of courtesy the bride might agree.

But to say two friends can't come because they've got two more parents and picking at the numbers likd that is just totally weird.

Why would you care how many are from each 'side'? When we invited DHs family to our wedding I think of them as my family too. Surely that's half of the point of a wedding/marriage?