Son not inviting all cousin to his wedding?

poet123

skintchick wrote: »

It depends on the venue numbers. My parents psid for my wedding which was not cheap but once we'd invited our friends and close family there was no room for my parents' WI or Rotary mates who I don't even know, and they had to accept that.

If the money had come with strings I'd have given it back.

Yes, I see that, but these are people who are invited to every family event, every milestone. They are very much known to the couple, the Bride just doesn't like the female half of the couple and if I am very honest I do see why ( they are not part of my circle) but my friend feels differently, and would be really put on the spot by not being allowed to ask them. They wouldn't upset the Bride, they would be very pleasant and very generous with their gift I am sure, they would just be there, in the background and in that setting, not evidence any of the traits the Bride so dislikes

EpsomOldie

Dear OP, here’s my tuppence-worth:

1. Butt out

2. Allow your son and his gf to discuss things with you, but just listen non-judgementally and don’t offer your opinions or advice. Encourage them to voice what they want (without being required to justify themselves), and make it clear that you’ll positively support them in whatever decisions they make. It’s their wedding and more importantly, their marriage.

3. Your son is responsible for informing – if he so wishes – his father of who, on his father’s side is invited. And also for making it clear to his father that it’s not up for discussion and that he’s only being informed as a courtesy. Can be by letter / email (not text, but that’s just me!). He’s a man now and too old to get his mum to pass messages on.

4. Don’t allow yourself to be the sounding board for your ex’s moans. By doing so, and engaging in discussion with the ex re this, you are effectively colluding with the ex’s behaviour...enable / collude, tomato / to-mah-to.

5. Re the blood’s thicker than water thing, blood's also messier and tends to have clots.

Best wishes
EO

PS Enjoy choosing a nice outfit and a BIG hat, turn up at the wedding with a huge smile (and a hanky), and enjoy every minute of your son and his wife’s wedding.

rose28454

poet123 wrote: »

Weddings are a minefield.

A friend of mine is having a difficult time with her daughter and I would be interested to see what the consensus is on this one. Daughters parents are happy to pay for the whole wedding, absolutely everything. No contributions expected from the groom's side which are a split family.

A really expensive wedding in the offing but the Bride and Groom want the numbers invited on both sides to be the same, but they see that as being x2 as the Groom's parents are not together. So the upshot is the Bride's parents are being asked to pay for everything but being made to reduce the numbers they invite from their side. Additionally, a couple of their very close friends whom they wanted to invite are being excluded, which is probably going to result in no close friends being asked so that the excluded friends don't realise they were specifically excluded because the Bride doesn't like them!!

So Mum and Dad pay for everything but have no say in who is invited.

You should have started a new thread. I was trying to let mine die off as I have taken some people,s advice and told my OH to speak to our son himself. I did however point out that he should remember all the spoilt events ( especially the graduation) we as a family had to put up with cause of his alcoholism and maybe time to think of others and not himself.
i am at the start of a new me who is only going to post happy and hopeful news on here. A few people pointed out i am a martyr so new beginnings i think.
Free roast pork thanks to Mr T today!!

duchy

Good for you !

Enjoy the wedding ....and a future without people not dragging you into their complications (Just remember they are in the habit of you playing go between so may need reminding the new you doesn't do that ! )

Brokeattheminute

When i was getting married i never invited anybody i hadnt seen in 5yrs or more.The way i seen it is why should i pay for them to get a free meal off me if i havent had any contact with them in that time even if they are far out family members.As far as cousins were concerned i invited their parents mostly unless they were close friends and id kept in contact with them through the yrs!

poet123

rose28454 wrote: »

You should have started a new thread. I was trying to let mine die off as I have taken some people,s advice and told my OH to speak to our son himself. I did however point out that he should remember all the spoilt events ( especially the graduation) we as a family had to put up with cause of his alcoholism and maybe time to think of others and not himself.
i am at the start of a new me who is only going to post happy and hopeful news on here. A few people pointed out i am a martyr so new beginnings i think.
Free roast pork thanks to Mr T today!!

Yes, I should, sorry.:o

rose28454

poet123 wrote: »

Yes, I should, sorry.:o

Sorry I apologise. Bad nights sleep. It is a similar dilemma.

claire16c

poet123 wrote: »

I am just a sounding board for my friend which is proving quite hard! My take is that the Groom to be is embarrassed that his side are not in a position to make a contribution and so is putting these rigid rules in place, via the Bride.

Without sounding snobby there is a bit of a social divide going on here, which he feels and they don't. They genuinely like him for himself, not for his background but he has a bit of an inferiority complex. He is a lovely lad but he clearly feels he is marrying outside his comfort zone in terms of money. What he doesn't see is that they came from lowly beginnings and through hard work have achieved a lot monetarily, but deep down they are still the same people, have the same friends (who are not all in their income bracket) and all they want is for their daughter to be happy.

I forsee a lot of issues ahead...

My parents paid for most of our wedding, my DH's family was in no position to do so.

That had no effect on who we invited. He has way more aunts, uncles & cousins than me, I have a much smaller family. We still invited then all.

The last wedding I went to they actually said please do not sit on one side of the aisle please sit where ever, as this is the joining of two families.

skintchick

poet123 wrote: »

Yes, I see that, but these are people who are invited to every family event, every milestone. They are very much known to the couple, the Bride just doesn't like the female half of the couple and if I am very honest I do see why ( they are not part of my circle) but my friend feels differently, and would be really put on the spot by not being allowed to ask them. They wouldn't upset the Bride, they would be very pleasant and very generous with their gift I am sure, they would just be there, in the background and in that setting, not evidence any of the traits the Bride so dislikes

But the bride doesn't like her! Why should she have someone she dislikes at her wedding?

Your friend needs to accept its not her decision. She can tell the couple that she's sorry but the bride and groom are in charge of the invitations.

It's not like it used to be. These days parents don't get to invite all their friends over the bride and groom's wishes and you friend has to get her head around that.

poet123

skintchick wrote: »

But the bride doesn't like her! Why should she have someone she dislikes at her wedding?

Your friend needs to accept its not her decision. She can tell the couple that she's sorry but the bride and groom are in charge of the invitations.

It's not like it used to be. These days parents don't get to invite all their friends over the bride and groom's wishes and you friend has to get her head around that.

Because it wouldn't really impact her day, but would really upset her mother and it would be a kindness to spare her mother that? Is it really so wrong to ask for that when you are bending over backwards in every other regard?