Son not inviting all cousin to his wedding?

balletshoes

poet123 wrote: »

Weddings are a minefield.

A friend of mine is having a difficult time with her daughter and I would be interested to see what the consensus is on this one. Daughters parents are happy to pay for the whole wedding, absolutely everything. No contributions expected from the groom's side which are a split family.

A really expensive wedding in the offing but the Bride and Groom want the numbers invited on both sides to be the same, but they see that as being x2 as the Groom's parents are not together. So the upshot is the Bride's parents are being asked to pay for everything but being made to reduce the numbers they invite from their side. Additionally, a couple of their very close friends whom they wanted to invite are being excluded, which is probably going to result in no close friends being asked so that the excluded friends don't realise they were specifically excluded because the Bride doesn't like them!!

So Mum and Dad pay for everything but have no say in who is invited.

no, if the bride's side of the family is supposed to be the same numbers as the groom's, then for example thats 50 from grooms side, total, and 50 from brides side, total. Not 100 from the grooms side because his family are split. Its 50 total for him, and its up to him to sort out who he invites from both sides of his family.

To be honest, I think its perfectly fair for the bride, if she doesn't like her parents friends, to not want them at her wedding. Its still her wedding, its not her parents wedding. If the parents are not 100% happy to pay for the wedding, no strings attached, then they shouldn't do it, because its only going to end up in resentment. I wouldn't want my parents to pay for a wedding for me in those circumstances.

balletshoes

poet123 wrote: »

They are happy to pay but they see it as a family occasion and an occasion to repay the hospitality of friends whose family weddings they have been invited to.

clearly thats not what the bride thinks though. I can see this particular situation causing trouble all round.

pigpen

poet123 wrote: »

Weddings are a minefield.

A friend of mine is having a difficult time with her daughter and I would be interested to see what the consensus is on this one. Daughters parents are happy to pay for the whole wedding, absolutely everything. No contributions expected from the groom's side which are a split family.

A really expensive wedding in the offing but the Bride and Groom want the numbers invited on both sides to be the same, but they see that as being x2 as the Groom's parents are not together. So the upshot is the Bride's parents are being asked to pay for everything but being made to reduce the numbers they invite from their side. Additionally, a couple of their very close friends whom they wanted to invite are being excluded, which is probably going to result in no close friends being asked so that the excluded friends don't realise they were specifically excluded because the Bride doesn't like them!!

So Mum and Dad pay for everything but have no say in who is invited.

More fool them for paying for it all!!

They claim to be happy paying for it for their daughter and fiance.. then want to invite THEIR friends.. erm... no! It does seem to happen a fair bit though and brides are guilt tripped or feel bribed into allowing it.

poet123

Yes, it is an odd situation. Going back a long time! but my parents paid for my wedding, and they asked who they wanted to and I didn't have any problems with that because as a couple we also asked who we wanted to. Their inviting soem friends didn't restrict our personal guest numbers, nor would it in this case as I understand it.

I think (reading between the lines) that the Bride feels that if her family has more there it will seem as if they have done that because they are paying and the groom's side is not. So they want an equal number from both sides, but there are effectively three sides and so the groom will have more of his side there.

They haven't handed over a lump sum, just asked for the invoices to be sent to them. They are putting no restrictions on the costs at all (they can afford to do this) but the Bride seems unwilling to see their pov. It seems to be the oft repeated phrase "it is our wedding and we will do as we choose" regardless of the fact that if she did not have such generous parents they wouldn't be getting married. My friend is really upset about it.

Person_one

I'm afraid I don't really understand the obsession with numbers.

Surely the people you invite to a wedding are the people you care about and their partners/families? Do they care about the exact same number of people to exactly the same extent?

I've been to tons of weddings, there's often a discrepancy in the numbers on either side of the church/aisle. Sometimes a groom has a much bigger family, sometimes a bride has a wide circle of good friends etc etc.

Focusing so much on precise numbers like its some sort of scorecard seems very odd to me.

(I realise its not your wedding and you can't do anything about it, just musing!)

poet123

I am just a sounding board for my friend which is proving quite hard! My take is that the Groom to be is embarrassed that his side are not in a position to make a contribution and so is putting these rigid rules in place, via the Bride.

Without sounding snobby there is a bit of a social divide going on here, which he feels and they don't. They genuinely like him for himself, not for his background but he has a bit of an inferiority complex. He is a lovely lad but he clearly feels he is marrying outside his comfort zone in terms of money. What he doesn't see is that they came from lowly beginnings and through hard work have achieved a lot monetarily, but deep down they are still the same people, have the same friends (who are not all in their income bracket) and all they want is for their daughter to be happy.

I forsee a lot of issues ahead...

Lunar_Eclipse

I 'agree' with your husband, unless it is a very small, intimate wedding.

I wouldn't go against following social etiquette and showing basic manners in this situation, so if one uncle is invited, all uncles should be invited. Same for cousins, on both sides, etc. I know weddings are expensive, but family harmony is worth much more than a few 'extra' costs per head at a wedding.

Person_one

poet123 wrote: »

I forsee a lot of issues ahead...

Please try not to. Its understandable that you feel more able to see the POV of your friends, but remember that things can look completely different from another angle.

Try to be an optimist for them!

poet123

Person_one wrote: »

Please try not to. Its understandable that you feel more able to see the POV of your friends, but remember that things can look completely different from another angle.

Try to be an optimist for them!

Yes, I should say I do think it will eventually be worked out, but not without a lot of "discussion".;)

My advice to my friend was to work out what issues were the most important to her and stick to trying to get a compromise on those. Others issues which are window dressing should be conceded!!

Person_one

poet123 wrote: »

Yes, I should say I do think it will eventually be worked out, but not without a lot of "discussion".;)

My advice to my friend was to work out what issues were the most important to her and stick to trying to get a compromise on those. Others issues which are window dressing should be conceded!!

Your friend who is the MOTB, not the one getting married?