Fed up and niggled

Joons

kelpie35 wrote: »

If I was you I would have more respect for myself.

You and your DD can have a great life that dose not require input from a LOSER.

You would be better making the break now as the longer it carries on the more hurt your will receive.

People like your OH seldom change for the better and you will be the one who is constantly be hurt.

Absolutely disagree, how do you think other marriages survive affairs because they do and sometimes end up better.

alias*alibi

lika_86 wrote: »

This is speculation and the pity voice talking, this does not help.



Why? He recognised the day and I doubt very much he has even considered the implication of the chocolates, it may have been very significant to you but I doubt he would even know.



This is done and in the past, if you want a present and/or a future with this man, for your sake or your daughter's, you need to accept it happened and it hurt, but you need to move forward. If you keep bringing up what happened in the past then how do you expect things to get better? Things won't get better if you can't let it go (or at least put it to one side) and keep bringing it up whenever he fails to meet an expectation you are projecting onto him.

I'm not defending what he did but stewing over mistakes made and done never helps anyone.

Totally get all your points. Maybe I live in hope that he's had a personality transplant and will at least try to make up for some of the hurt he caused. The chocolates were bought last minute this morning from the local shop. That speaks volumes to me.

Pee

Do you feel that he treated her better than he is treating you? Do you know that this is the case?

Do you still think you are better off together for the sake of your daughter?

heartbreak_star

Did you take him back because you want him back, or because you want his balls on a plate and you like being a martyr/don't like being on your own?

Okay. Now I know you probably want to belt me in the chops for that, but I think your last post smacks of the second.

Now I've got your attention, talk to him, please? Things aren't ever going to be exactly the same, but marriages do survive affairs.

Good luck, and please accept a *hug*. I do feel for you but wonder at you being so unhappy

HBS x

DeeDee74

Aww can sympathises hun but obviously you have been trying to work at your relationship , does he not make a effort anymore??
And by your post I take it he doesn't see his child ?

pigpen

I'd be wondering where I would be if I had been brave enough to not have him back.. Would your birthday have been better? Would you have been in a better place now?

I would then kick him out.. you have tried, you are still feeling that anger and betrayal and why has the woman he had the affair with not been blocked? Why can you see her pics? is it to torture yourself more? To remind you about the affair and the hurt and the anger so you can feel it over and over?

Your daughter deserves 2 happy parents.. not a sleazy rake of a father and am unhappy doormat mum wallowing in self pity who might both even end up resenting the daughter. How do you think she will feel in a few years when she realises what has gone on? When she realises she had unhappy parents because of her, you think this will make her happy? I won't tell you the guilt that is attached to that even if they are too young to realise at the time.

Grow a pair.. kick him out and make a new happy life for you and your daughter, she deserves so much better than what she is getting.

alias*alibi

Pee wrote: »

Do you feel that he treated her better than he is treating you? Do you know that this is the case?

I have no way of knowing really. I know they conspired for him to do less overtime on the months leading up to his CSA assessment so I'd get less.

Do you still think you are better off together for the sake of your daughter?

I feel like time is running out for me to be happy if I'm honest. Whether that's with him or not I don't know.

victory

alias*alibi wrote: »

Totally get all your points. Maybe I live in hope that he's had a personality transplant and will at least try to make up for some of the hurt he caused. The chocolates were bought last minute this morning from the local shop. That speaks volumes to me.

It's not about the chocs though is it?

It's about the affair, the child, the deceit, the lies, the pain, the hurt.

It's about unsaid things, did you reign in your emotions when it happened or were you able to shout and scream, yell and say everything you needed to.

Did you go to relate? Did you discuss at length why it happened? We're their changes made?

Do you feel unsupported/ unloved/ unheard, there are masses of issues to an affair, the pain is unbearable for a very long time after its over.

Do you trust him? Have you forgiven him? Do you resent him?
It's not about the chocs.

JimmyTheWig

alias*alibi wrote: »

So today is valentines day. DH bought me a card and some chocolates; all good I hear you say. Not really. He bought me the same bloody chocolates he did 2 years ago, 7 days before walking out on me and DD for an affair which resulted in a baby. This has stirred up lots of negative feelings.

There is a chance he did it deliberately. That this is his warning that he is going to be walking out again in 7 days time. But I can't imagine that you've stayed with him for the past 18 months if he really is _that_ cruel.
So we have to assume it was an accident. This suggests that he can't remember exactly what he did the week before leaving you.
Do you think it is a good thing that he isn't dwelling on what went wrong before? Or a bad thing? Or indifferent?
I don't think it's a bad thing. It is something that has happened in the past. He totally messed up. I presume that he has acknowledged that. You both need to move on.
It sounds to me like he has moved on from his mistake but yuo haven't.

The OW profile on FB is currently public so I can see photos of the now toddler and if I'm honest with myself I can see real resemblances to my own DD and it !!!!es me off no end.

I can't imagine that seeing these does you any good. Though I can see the temptation.
If I were you I think I'd block her, so you can't see the pictures. No use beating yourself up over it.

then something like today churns up the past and I'm angry and hate him all over again.

I'd say it was worth the two of you going somewhere like Relate. You've got issues that need to be dealt with and you need to move on from.

Tiddlywinks

alias*alibi wrote: »

Doubt she got chocolates; she probably got 200 red roses and a bloody marching band to boot. Today has highlighted just how unimportant I am; yet again. Last March was my 40th. I can't even begin to describe how utterly sh.it that was.

If life is so bad with him... what are you doing about it?

alias*alibi wrote: »

Totally get all your points. Maybe I live in hope that he's had a personality transplant and will at least try to make up for some of the hurt he caused. The chocolates were bought last minute this morning from the local shop. That speaks volumes to me.

Why do you expect him to change? Why do you torture yourself by looking at the other woman's facebook page?

Is it over? If so, you need to find a way to deal with those feelings of anger and hurt - otherwise you will never be happy with OH.

Your OH will always have a link to the OW as they share a child. Again, you need to be able to deal with the emotion of that fact.

As to today... the chocolates were most likely a thoughtless mistake - I don't know many blokes that would remember what type of chocolates they bought 2 years ago... you remember them because they bring back unhappy memories.

Bottom line? You are in charge of your life. If you are still with your OH then it is because you CHOOSE to be. If you stay, then you have to find a way to make peace with the past or you will just keep living in pain and feeling angry and that is no good for any of you (including your child).

Have you considered counselling or Relate?