Fed up and niggled

bagpussbear

Also wanted to say, don't worry about the age 40 thing. I met my soul mate at 39! never been so happy.

If you decide to call it a day with your fella, there will be someone nice out there for you when you feel the time is right, don't you worry

Sommer43

Joons wrote: »

Absolutely disagree, how do you think other marriages survive affairs because they do and sometimes end up better.

Ah my sparring partner. Hi Joons (Waves)

This time I agree with you, completely. While I don't condone cheating in any way shape or form, I do happen to know of couples who have got back together and have gone on to be much happier people.

Bangton

If life has taught me anything it's not to judge...unless your at the heart of all this you can't really know the who, what, wheres.

To give my advice I'd ask the OP to think about the circumstances at the time..why did he have an affair? Why did OP take him back? How has the relationship been in general up to date?

People get over affairs but if your permanently angry and miserable maybe you just can't. Or maybe your just peed off today, ranting and winding yourself up. Only you know whether this man makes you happy enough to stay...regardless of whether a partner has cheated or not my opinion remains that a partner should always always make you happy.

Find_The_Real

I think it will always be a very difficult decision to make. I am sure all of us in hindsight perhaps wish we had acted differently and at the time I am sure the OP thought this was the best thing to do for her and her daughter. The problem is especially with a child with another woman, there are always going to be little reminders.

I'm afraid I am of the opinion that this betrayal of trust is something you never get over which is probably down to the type of person I am but each of us are different. However it does sound that perhaps there is a lot of regret that you did decide to take him back.

I do agree with a lot of posters that I think it is time to think about what you want rather than just for your daughter's sake and whether if you wish to stay you are prepared to forget as this is what it is going to take for it to work.

I do wish you all the very best with it all as it is never easier to make decisions like this.

Rockporkchop

alias*alibi wrote: »

I guess the bottom line is that the OW has moved on; got a new fella, seems happy etc and the toddler looks like she has a step-dad. ...

And just think, in another 18 months' time OW could be viewing similar photos on Facebook of you, DD and your fabulous new man if you finally put yourself first and ditch this loser.

alias*alibi

Person_one wrote: »

He treated both of you like crap. I'm glad she's moved on but if I recall from previous posts its not all rosy for her, as your husband refuses to have anything to do with the child they had together, is that still the case?

You married a !!!!!!, you aren't the first woman to do this by any means and you won't be the last. Once you realise he's a !!!!!! though, why stick around? They don't suddenly wake up cured of their sh!ttiness and with a deep and true desire to become a better person. People hardly ever fundamentally change, even if they can blag it on the surface.

Yes that's right; he still hasn't seen her and refuses to look at photos of her and categorically denies that there is any similarities between the toddler and our DD/him. As time has gone on I've softened in that I would like it if he was to try and have some contact but he just won't talk about it. TBH if this relationship with the OW new fella is serious I can see the toddler being adopted by him. She's young enough not to know any different; but part of me feels that she's part of my DD's DNA and will never know her.

I'm not so angry now; I'm still upset but realise the chocolates were a trigger to this. Really not sure how things will pan out. I understand people saying why do I look on Facebook at photos etc; and 1. Yes, morbid curiosity to what the OW life is like (unhealthy I know) and 2. Nosey to see how the toddler is growing and looking for similarities etc.

Most of the time we are fine; he's the 'model husband' mostly. But I need to work out if I can live with being let down/not being treated like I'm important enough (or am I raising my own expectations too high) and whether I can truly let go of the past.

Thanks for all your replies; really helpful and appreciated.

suki1001

alias*alibi wrote: »

Yes that's right; he still hasn't seen her and refuses to look at photos of her and categorically denies that there is any similarities between the toddler and our DD/him. As time has gone on I've softened in that I would like it if he was to try and have some contact but he just won't talk about it. TBH if this relationship with the OW new fella is serious I can see the toddler being adopted by him. She's young enough not to know any different; but part of me feels that she's part of my DD's DNA and will never know her.

I'm not so angry now; I'm still upset but realise the chocolates were a trigger to this. Really not sure how things will pan out. I understand people saying why do I look on Facebook at photos etc; and 1. Yes, morbid curiosity to what the OW life is like (unhealthy I know) and 2. Nosey to see how the toddler is growing and looking for similarities etc.

Most of the time we are fine; he's the 'model husband' mostly. But I need to work out if I can live with being let down/not being treated like I'm important enough (or am I raising my own expectations too high) and whether I can truly let go of the past.

Thanks for all your replies; really helpful and appreciated.

Wild stab in the dark here, but with the toddler situation, I understand he's the dad and so on, but it sounds like his complete refusal to accept the child and your acceptance to have some sort of link with your dd, there's some sort of control thing. I don't mean domestic abuse control, but a sort of a control of the continuation of that episode in your life - maybe that's why it's still difficult for you. It's like you don't get a say.

It's unspoken, but clearly there's something bubbling under the surface.

embob74

I have good friends who survived an affair which resulted in a child to another woman. They got through it and the wife actually pushed the husband to have contact with the child and they now have regular contact and all the kids accept what it is - a sibling.
But if you are not sure if you want to be with your husband then why bother?
Sometimes the scary thought of being alone makes you think being with anyone is an option. I thought so with my husband.....the reality was I couldn't forgive and things were never the same. I left and haven't looked back since. It's great looking at him now and feeling smug with the man I fell in love with after.
I wish you luck in your life and hope you can decide what you truly want from life x

JimmyTheWig

alias*alibi wrote: »

2. Nosey to see how the toddler is growing and looking for similarities etc.

If you are looking for similarities, you will find them.
Saw a photo of my cousin's daughter this morning. We don't see them very often.
My first reaction was that she looks like my sister did at that age. The first instinct, I think, with family is to look for similarities.
I then remembered that this cousin's dad is my dad's _step_ brother. We're not blood related at all, so any similarities were a coincedence.
My point is that I was looking for them and so found them.

podperson

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

If you are looking for similarities, you will find them.
Saw a photo of my cousin's daughter this morning. We don't see them very often.
My first reaction was that she looks like my sister did at that age. The first instinct, I think, with family is to look for similarities.
I then remembered that this cousin's dad is my dad's _step_ brother. We're not blood related at all, so any similarities were a coincedence.
My point is that I was looking for them and so found them.

Complete agree with this. My cousin is adopted and went to the same school as me but a couple of years above me. Because people knew we were cousins they would constantly come up to us and tell us how much we looked alike and how it was so obvious we were related.