Fed up and niggled

Person_one

alias*alibi wrote: »

I guess the bottom line is that the OW has moved on; got a new fella, seems happy etc and the toddler looks like she has a step-dad. Great; no real issues with that, except she gets to be happy after all the misery that was caused. Me on the other hand feels like I'm back stuck where I was two years ago and today confirmed that.

I dunno. Feel quite stressed and tired today so that's probably not helping with my perspective on things.

He treated both of you like crap. I'm glad she's moved on but if I recall from previous posts its not all rosy for her, as your husband refuses to have anything to do with the child they had together, is that still the case?

You married a !!!!!!, you aren't the first woman to do this by any means and you won't be the last. Once you realise he's a !!!!!! though, why stick around? They don't suddenly wake up cured of their sh!ttiness and with a deep and true desire to become a better person. People hardly ever fundamentally change, even if they can blag it on the surface.

Joons

People make mistakes, it's life, affairs happen all the time, sometimes the person finds out, sometimes they have no idea. The op decided to try again at the relationship, I don't think slagging this man to death is going to help her right now and I also don't agree that people cannot change, of course they can, especially if they have done wrong. People who have affairs are not bad people, they are human, the same as me and you. I've never been married but most of the friends I have who are have all went through something similar. The big problem here is the child.

Errata

People who have affairs are not bad people

Eh? They treat their OH with contempt and trash their lives behind their backs, and that means they're not bad people?

Watto30

I agree with what has previously been said that this for you the OP is not about the chocolates but this has been a trigger and a reminder of all the hurt, heartbreak and anger this man put you through and that him buying these chocolates a)last minute at the shop this morning and b) the same chocolates 2 years ago shows his complete lack of respect for you (yes he is a bloke and blokes can be s**t at these things but a bit more effort needed! I dont think he deliberately got you the same chocs tho) and this I think has what has brought all these feelings to the surface.

As someone else said after you taking him back after everything he has put you through he should be worshipping the ground you walk on not a last minute dash to the shops for carp chocolates!

No one can tell you what to do or make decisions for you but you 100% deserve to be happy and if your not happy with your lot then do something to change it, and I think the fact you answered the question that if you met him now would you go on a date with him and you answered no, tells you all you need to know. I think in certain situations counselling/relate can really help but these memories will sadly always be in your head and no amount of counselling will erase them. Are you scared of starting out afresh with just you and your daughter? you are 40 years old and no reason why you cant enjoy the single life or eventually meet someone who will treat you with the utmost love and respect that you deserve.

My ex cheated on me, like a mug I took him back, he did it again..and again and those are just the ones I found out about, thats not to say all men who cheat will do it time and time again because people can change to a degree but in my situation me accepting him back just gave him the green light to do what he liked and treat me like rubbish. I kind of clung on to that relationship as was scared to be on my own but leaving him was like a breath of fresh air, this was 7 years ago and have had a whale of a time since, met a new guy soon after and still with him 6 years on, have travelled together and he can still have me in stitches with one sentence so please dont ever think that there is not life after a carp relationship as there is.

You have two choices, stay with him, try and work through it, resolve the anger and betrayal or leave him and start a brand new life with you and your daughter where you can have the freedom to make your own happiness

I wish you the best of luck and happiness in whatever you decide to do

Joons

Errata wrote: »

Eh? They treat their OH with contempt and trash their lives behind their backs, and that means they're not bad people?

Listen, I for one do not agree with folk having affairs but I'm afraid they do and no I wouldn't class them as bad people, misguided, unhappy and selfish in the first place perhaps yes but no, not bad.

To me being bad is hurting someone physically or actually starting out an affair with the sole intention of hurting their partner and anyone else involved in their life, who starts an affair thinking this way?

If the relationship is strong and worth having, you can get through an affair, it doesn't mean your partner has turned into an ogre.

Errata

Joons wrote: »

Listen, I for one do not agree with folk having affairs but I'm afraid they do and no I wouldn't class them as bad people, misguided, unhappy and selfish in the first place perhaps yes but no, not bad.

To me being bad is hurting someone physically or actually starting out an affair with the sole intention of hurting their partner and anyone else involved in their life, who starts an affair thinking this way?

If the relationship is strong and worth having, you can get through an affair, it doesn't mean your partner has turned into an ogre.

I have no thoughts about people starting an affair to intentionally hurt their OH, but I do believe people starting an affair know damn well their OH won't be tickled pink and their kids over the moon.

peachyprice

Joons wrote: »

To me being bad is hurting someone physically or actually starting out an affair with the sole intention of hurting their partner and anyone else involved in their life, who starts an affair thinking this way?

Goodness. So don't think that someone who makes a concious and deliberate decision (yes, deliberate, no-one forces them to drop their pants/knickers they choose to) to have an affair, knowing full well that if/when they get caught it WILL hurt their husband/wife, is a bad person to their family?

And as for those that then go running back to their wife/husband, they're even worse, they decided to do that but didn't have the courage of their convictions and put their husband/wife through all that distress and hurt for nothing. But you don't think they're bad?

Their is nothing misguided about starting an affair, stupid yes, selfish yes, even out of loneliness but misguided, no way.

Dunroamin

Errata wrote: »

Eh? They treat their OH with contempt and trash their lives behind their backs, and that means they're not bad people?

Even good people do bad things.

Joons

peachyprice wrote: »

Goodness. So don't think that someone who makes a concious and deliberate decision (yes, deliberate, no-one forces them to drop their pants/knickers they choose to) to have an affair, knowing full well that if/when they get caught it WILL hurt their husband/wife, is a bad person to their family?

And as for those that then go running back to their wife/husband, they're even worse, they decided to do that but didn't have the courage of their convictions and put their husband/wife through all that distress and hurt for nothing. But you don't think they're bad?

Their is nothing misguided about starting an affair, stupid yes, selfish yes, even out of loneliness but misguided, no way.

Perhaps someone who has had an affair can come on and enlighten us. All I know is I have friends who have had affairs, my own father did and no I don't regard any of them as bad.

Love can misguide people, some affairs lead to the person leaving the wife/husband or going back, whatever, it doesn't make them bad people, not in my book anyway.

bagpussbear

I doubt he remembers it was the same chocs he got you before, but is funny how a small thing like that can bring to the surface feelings that we had thought we had put to rest.

Maybe this is a good time to think about whether you do want to continue your relationship with him? What he did to you was despicable, could it be that you never felt he was truly 'sorry'?

Would you miss him if you were apart?

I feel for you. Hugs.