Fed up and niggled

Joons

Can totally understand op looking at the ow facebook, esp if she has it public, who wouldn't?

alleycat`

Joons wrote: »

Can totally understand op looking at the ow facebook, esp if she has it public, who wouldn't?

Well me for a starter.

If you inherently don't trust your partner you wouldn't / shouldn't be with them.

Looking at what they, the third party, are up to is just self torture and it shows to me the OP hasn't moved on.

The bigger questions are can the OP move on from this with the partner. Reliving the past over and over again will not do that for you.

However, that is my opinion and mine alone.

Joons

alleycat` wrote: »

Well me for a starter.

If you inherently don't trust your partner you wouldn't / shouldn't be with them.

Looking at what they are up to is just self torture and it shows to me the OP hasn't moved on.

The bigger questions are can the OP move on from this with the partner. Reliving the past over and over again will not do that for you.

However, that is my opinion and mine alone.

I think 99% of women would take a look, it doesn't mean they haven't got over anything, it's pure nosiness, plain and simple, who wouldn't want to see the child their partner had fathered, esp when it's a click away on their pc.

You may not trust your partner initially but affairs can be gotten over and trust can be regained.

Hermia

alias*alibi wrote: »

I feel like time is running out for me to be happy if I'm honest. Whether that's with him or not I don't know.

You could have another 40 years on this earth! People start new careers in their 40s or go to university or meet the love of their life. Whether you decide to leave or give the relationship another shot you need to start living and not just existing. If you do decide to stay you kind of have to let the past go. If you think he is still behaving badly then think about whether you would be better on your own. Have you tried Relate or something similar?

Murtle

alias*alibi wrote: »

I guess the bottom line is that the OW has moved on; got a new fella, seems happy etc and the toddler looks like she has a step-dad. Great; no real issues with that, except she gets to be happy after all the misery that was caused. Me on the other hand feels like I'm back stuck where I was two years ago and today confirmed that.

I dunno. Feel quite stressed and tired today so that's probably not helping with my perspective on things.

People put all sorts of stuff on facebook, usually to show how great their life is. Take it with a pinch of salt.

You have had some great responses, and I would agree. This is all about you. Time to have some soul searching of your own and decide what you really want. My parents stayed together longer than planned...so that it wouldn't disrupt me Uni exams. They announced their divorce at the same time I was about to announce my engagement! There is never a perfect time, but there is the here and now. You only have one life and it can go one for a long time...do you want to live the next 40 years with today's feelings?

Don't worry about what anyone else wants, you really need to focus on what will make you happy, make you feel worth the best (cause you are) and love life.

xxx

Robin_TBW

This is no-one's fault but your own for getting back with him. Did you really think everything was all going to be ok and you were going to fall in love all over again? !!!! that. This isn't a movie.

Kids aren't stupid, you don't have to do it for them. When my parents broke up I hated it but years later my Mum asked myself and my sister about her getting back with my Dad and apparently he would have done so if we all agreed it was a good idea. I said no because I didn't want my Mum to "!!!! him over again" and my Dad is now doing well and my Mum isn't doing nearly as well. If they'd gotten back together who knows... Kids can see what's going on given a bit of time. I helped in stopping that and protecting my Dad in my opinion and I'm glad I did because she probably would've hurt him again someway or other.

Your daughter will start to see you being hurt by it all at some point and then it'll hurt her so that "for her sake" stuff is rubbish.

alleycat`

Joons wrote: »

I think 99% of women would take a look, it doesn't mean they haven't got over anything, it's pure nosiness, plain and simple, who wouldn't want to see the child their partner had fathered, esp when it's a click away on their pc.

I'm not female so my view point is probably skewed then

Murtles post is very eloquent and really gets to the nub of the situation for me so I'd recommend the OP takes that one to heart.

Errata

You didn't want him, you let him move back for your daughter's sake.
You've made your bed and it's got a lot of lumps in it, remake it. Your life, your choice.

podperson

As others have said it's not really about chocolates, is it? You took him back after an extremely hurtful betrayal of your trust but it doesn't sound like you've been able to move on from it. At the end of the day it doesn't matter what the OW is doing or how she's living her life or whether she's happy - it matter how YOU are living your life and whether YOU are happy.

So are you? Because it doesn't sound like it at the moment. It sounds like you don't trust your OH, that you're struggling to put the past behind you - and that he's making very little effort to prioritise you or make you feel special. Tbh after taking him back after what he'd done I'd be expecting him to worship the ground you walked on!!

These are possibly things that could be worked on in counselling or something, if you truly felt that you still loved him and might be able to get past them. But if you're just 'putting up' for the sake of your dd or the fact that you're 40 then please rethink it. Your dd will benefit most from a mum who has to strength to find happiness in her own life - therefore giving her an example to strive for. And as others have said, many people have changed their lives at 40, and even older - if you lived to 80 then it's only halfway through your life. Do you want to spend the whole second half of your life with someone who isn't making you happy?

Thegirl

As has been mentionned. How you feel isn't because of the chocolates, it's what they've made you think of.

I can't guarentee the outcome, but the best thing you can do is go and speak to someone. Either on your own at first to get everything straight in your head, or as a couple. It's money and time you won't regret spending whatever the outcome is.
Either you resolve things and work through them and deal with the hurt you obviously still feel, or you walk away, but at least both with a better understanding of why.

You deserve to be happy. But doing nothing but hope is never the route to change any situation you are not happy with.

Good luck.