40+ and single on 'single awareness day" again! Anyone else?

supermum38

On the subject of children and potential partners, I have some experience of both men with experience and men with none. I separated from my first husband when my sons were 3 and 5 years old. I went on to have a 4 year relation ship with a childless man and then married a man who had one (and a grandchild).
In the first relationship he wanted children but I didn't want anymore. I considered it but his attitude towards mine was 'they are not mine' so he made no effort to become attached to them and the tension eventually ended the relationship. My second husband was the same so in essence I have brought them up alone and they are now 15 &18 years old. I later dated another man who had no children and since they were then older and didn't need a replacement father I thought it would be easier but it freaked him out so our relationship was on and off for 3 years.
It did not seem to make any difference whether I had kids or not initially but was the cause of the outcome. It does seem that men are too selfish to remain committed to someone with children.
I know people with of all possible combinations of 'kids' or 'no kids' and none have lasted for more than a few years. All of them have moved on.
What does that mean? My suggestion is that all of you will find someone and have a relationship and if they stay then you are lucky. Don't sweat the kid thing. It's all about the man.
Personally, I avoid men with young children or those who want them because I know how complicated it can be.
My perfect match would be someone who has grown up kids like me and that whittles down the possibilties. Even more so because anyone I have come across like that seems to be going through some kind of mid-life crisis or new found freedom and just want to go out with 20 somethings!
let's face it girls...it's all about what suits them at the time!

Person_one

supermum38 wrote: »

My perfect match would be someone who has grown up kids like me and that whittles down the possibilties. Even more so because anyone I have come across like that seems to be going through some kind of mid-life crisis or new found freedom and just want to go out with 20 somethings!

As a twenty something (for a little bit longer at least!) most of us aren't massively keen to go out with men the same age as our dads or even older, and they generally come across as seriously creepy and cringeworthy when they try it on. You're not missing out on anything by not dating the type that does that!

[Deleted User]

Ive decided today to come off the dating site i was on tonight and ive deleted my account. im going to forget about dating now. Its making me depressed so Ive given up... which i was going to do before xmas, but met the guy i was with on that site. i thought ide give it another chance, it was my last ditch attempt at finding a nice guy, but it seems hes just the same, all talk and now his course has started hes lost interest in me and hasnt the time. Lost count now of how many dates ive had, and relationships that have started, but they all boil down to the same thing. The men want the women but they dont put in the effort. Ive felt like the bottom of the pile with this last guy. The one before that stole from me, the one before that lied to me, the one before that just wanted sex (didnt get it though), the one before that cheated on me, i can go on.... but i wont.

VestanPance

supermum38 wrote: »

On the subject of children and potential partners, I have some experience of both men with experience and men with none. I separated from my first husband when my sons were 3 and 5 years old. I went on to have a 4 year relation ship with a childless man and then married a man who had one (and a grandchild).
In the first relationship he wanted children but I didn't want anymore. I considered it but his attitude towards mine was 'they are not mine' so he made no effort to become attached to them and the tension eventually ended the relationship. My second husband was the same so in essence I have brought them up alone and they are now 15 &18 years old. I later dated another man who had no children and since they were then older and didn't need a replacement father I thought it would be easier but it freaked him out so our relationship was on and off for 3 years.
It did not seem to make any difference whether I had kids or not initially but was the cause of the outcome. It does seem that men are too selfish to remain committed to someone with children.
I know people with of all possible combinations of 'kids' or 'no kids' and none have lasted for more than a few years. All of them have moved on.
What does that mean? My suggestion is that all of you will find someone and have a relationship and if they stay then you are lucky. Don't sweat the kid thing. It's all about the man.
Personally, I avoid men with young children or those who want them because I know how complicated it can be.
My perfect match would be someone who has grown up kids like me and that whittles down the possibilties. Even more so because anyone I have come across like that seems to be going through some kind of mid-life crisis or new found freedom and just want to go out with 20 somethings!
let's face it girls...it's all about what suits them at the time!

Erm, it's all about the guys wants apart from all the things you've listed as demands! :eek:

I think you've just dated guys that should never have gotten with women with kids. It sounds like they've not been honest enough with themselves to admit that despite liking the woman the kids were a relationship killer.

Is the guy not wanting to date someone with kids anymore selfish than the woman who just expects the guy to deal with them like they were his own?

I also think person-one has a very valid point in that very few 20 somethings would ever entertain dating an older man. I'd say it's a fair bet most of those guys are deluded if they think can still attract young women.

julie2710

I have to say I'm getting more depressed y the minute reading this thread!

Why are kids such a big issue? It's almost like the old single parent tag that is likely to tarnish anything you do!

In the four years and five months I've been in my own I have never once introduced my boys to any of the men I have dated. I just don't want people coming and going out of their lives. They'd had that with their dad.

I sit and wonder what it is I'm looking for sometimes. I don't want to be married again. I don't think I want to live with anyone either. I certainly couldn't see me giving up my home to move in with someone. I don't need someone to support me or my children financially and as someone has already said my boys already have a father. (Not a particularly good one but a father all the same!). I think really what I would be happy with is someone to date. They could have their home, I'd have mine. We could go out, stay in some nights, have the odd weekend away when I don't have the boys. Be there for a reassuring hug when I'm feeling down and vice versa. Oh and don't forget special cuddles Maybe that's too much to ask or maybe I should just resign myself to shorter length relationships? I have bailed ship when someone started down the "you must have thought about living together" route :eek:

FBaby

Maureen43 wrote: »

I take on board what you are saying, but I am not looking for a father for my children. They already have one. I am not looking for a man to take emotional or financial responsibility for my kids either. I am looking for someone to be MY partner. However I am sure my family life would indeed be a huge culture shock for someone who didn't have kids.

Maureen, I've been there, single for 5 years with two children under the age of 10, having given up on meeting up not someone to take on the role of father to my children, or even to make my family a unit, but to be my partner whilst getting along happily with my children. It happened, not because I didn't anything for it, or because circumstances matched, just because we met at the right time, right place motto...

He doesn't have kids at 45 and doesn't even like them. He had a previous relationship that failed because of her children....about the same age than mine...but somehow, it was different with me and my children. We've been together 4 years and we've made it work. In many ways, I still feel like a single mum, but in all its good ways. I wanted it like this, we were fine, I was hoping for a partner. Similarly, he wasn't looking for a made-up family. It just happened thankfully that he and my kids get along well and respect each other. His mum said many times that she can't believe how he is with my kids as she never thought he would ever want to share his life with kids, but she can see that somehow we made it work well for all of us.

I think when you've been single for long and have gone through the ups and downs of trying to meet someone to become a partner, we start to make many assumptions about the reasons why it isn't happening. I think the reality is that it is a struggle simply because there are just so few eligible good people still single. Similarly, we tend to idolise the relationship, assuming that it is all about meeting the right one. I have learnt that even when you meet the 'right one', there is a lot of work, learning and compromises that come with it.

My perfect man who could do no wrong, who was my lottery ticket, became a difficult grumpy man (and I finally got to understand why he had been single for some time too!!), but what matters is that he is the one who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.

FBaby

I sit and wonder what it is I'm looking for sometimes. I don't want to be married again. I don't think I want to live with anyone either. I certainly couldn't see me giving up my home to move in with someone. I don't need someone to support me or my children financially and as someone has already said my boys already have a father. (Not a particularly good one but a father all the same!). I think really what I would be happy with is someone to date. They could have their home, I'd have mine. We could go out, stay in some nights, have the odd weekend away when I don't have the boys. Be there for a reassuring hug when I'm feeling down and vice versa. Oh and don't forget special cuddles

Julie, those are exactly the words I could have written when I had been single for some time...until I fell in love again! We lived like you said for 2 years and each month not living together became harder and harder. It actually started to put a real strain on our relationship. However independent I am, both physically and emotionally, I just really missed him and wanted to spend more time with him. Moving in together was the best thing to do because knowing I would be able to cuddle up to him every night meant that I didn't need to spend as much time with him, so ironically, I was much more happy with him going out doing his things then. I then inevitably reached the point of being grateful of him going out and having the place for myself, but only because I knew it would only be for the day at most and we would be back together soon.

supermum38

There's no denying dating is harder when you've got children. I have honestly tried it all, even the guy with his own place, no kids and just weekends without involving the kids but as time went on, I felt like a fraud as he could only see one side of me. It was his choice to meet my kids and every time he did I wouldn't hear from him for weeks. It was ok for a couple of years but after 3 years I felt he was just behaving like a spoilt child himself. He wanted to have me all to himself and didn't acknowledge 'valentines day', xmas etc. The point of this thread was to point out those lonely times when you want someone to share it with you and sometimes your children.
It was probably the closest I had to a working relationship but I felt cheap, like a mistress.

I know it sounds like I have an issue with men and the dating scene but the reality is I have tried all the options. The result is I gave up and spent the last couple of years being single because I didn't believe a man out there who can be with me and accept I have children.

I'm counting the years until I will be child free and it will no longer matter...

For those of you with younger kids, please don't take too much notice of my experiences. I have had relationships, not perfect, some lasting years and my kids seem relatively unaffected by it all. As long as the kids remain your priority, they will will be fine. Yes, there are lonely times but I have loved and been loved.
We'll all meet someone eventually...

[Deleted User]

Supermum38 - im child free (theyve left home now) and believe me the men ive met dont get any better. They still want it there way, and want you to fit in with them. I do beleive its the men weve met, not us.

supermum38

ImDoingItForMe wrote: »

Supermum38 - im child free (theyve left home now) and believe me the men ive met dont get any better. They still want it there way, and want you to fit in with them. I do beleive its the men weve met, not us.

You know when we look at the bigger picture, the reason there are so many of us single mums is that marriages don't seem to last anymore.
It is a problem in society. Full stop. But who do we blame?
The biggest difference between men and women is that men mostly leave the kids with the mum, so we are the ones who have a difficult time finding another partner. I mean, my ex-husband is a perfect example. He thought nothing of not seeing his kids for months because it didn't fit in with his 'new' relationship but as mothers we don't do that. Do we meet someone then just decide we don't want our kids anymore? No, we accept we are going to be alone or a relationship isn't working because our new man can't adapt to our kids.
It really just boils down to the differences between men and women and the fact that very few couples stay together until their children grow up nowadays.

Personally, I think there are plenty of lonely, unhappy men out there too but they haven't looked at the big picture and realised they need to adapt to make a relationship work.