40+ and single on 'single awareness day" again! Anyone else?

edeneve

@ nlj1520
Aw that does give some hope....I'm off men at the moment...had 2 longterm relationships ( 15 yrs and few years but he became abusive and found out absolute cheater) and just split from bf whom I met online, he was lovely but I have to admit I wasn't in love but because I believed him to be really caring and nice, was settling because I realised in my self i probably would never feel the type of love I had for my ex (who totally did not deserve it). We split because his daughter and family wouldnt speak to him for dating me as I was deemed not good enough for having been divorced and having kids.....

He's now back on POF lol...his loss I was too good or him anyhows, kids or no kids, I ended it though, I wasn't going to wait for him to make his mind up, having me hanging on...besides I know all too well if hos family have that opinion life with him would be too bloody hard work.

I think the trouble is with online dating is finding someone decent is so one in a million, yes they are out there but there are so many in 'disguise', pretending they are something they're not.

I'm like you too nlj1520, I don't want to live with anyone, tried that and with my large family of teens and littlies it is a complete nightmare and would not do it again until they have left home, which will be a long time off. I also think to be honest I couldn't cope living FT with a man, I have my own ways of doing things now, I like my own company at times and would find it annoying to have a partner hovering about. My mum and dad are joined at the hip, wherever she goes he goes and I could not stand that.

I'm a bigger woman too and told I'm attractive and have never had problems with finding men to date....just difficulty finding decent ones. For the time being I'm not looking (think you need a break every now and then) but maybe come October time I might give it another go.....

Redman30

Maureen43 wrote: »

I am coming to realise that, from a bloke's point of view, I am really not an attractive prospect. Although I am slim, fit, reasonably attractive (I think!), solvent, sensible, with no issues or hang ups, I think the "two teenagers" thing cancels out all of the above.

Those without children expect you to be available all the time which of course I am not.

Please don't think that! If men have an issue with your children then that's a good identifier that they're a litle too self obsessed - as would expecting you to be available all the time. Teenagers especially shouldn't be an issue at all, they're the best sort with a little to a lot of independence.

I don't have children, I'm completely apathetic as to whether I ever want them, and other people's children don't have a lot of bearing on who I date.

julie2710

It's interesting to see how many people say they wouldn't want to live with someone again. I nearly lost my home in my breakup with my ex and have been fighting ever since to keep it at my expense!

I really have ruled out the dating sites. I do have a sense of humour about it but seriously some of the people I have met have just made me realise that it's not going to be the way I am likely to meet someone, although I'm not sure how I am.

I can totally understand your thoughts Maureen. I often wonder what is wrong with me. I'm slim, can hold a decent conversation, hold down a decent job, have a nice home and a sense of humour but with a 4 & 7 year old I guess, like you, I'm just not a good prospect I do see it as their problem but it doesn't make it any easier to think that I'm probably likely to be sat on the shelf for the long haul. I often think about what I want out of life. Don't get me wrong I love what I have but there is definitely something missing. I wouldn't say I need a man but I would like one

bossymoo

I'm a widow of 15mths and with a 4yo and 2yo I'm not exactly the eligible bachelorette I'm under 40 but look about 100, and either at work or being sat on, grotted on, on whinged on by a small child. Or two. At the same time.
I don't leave the house after 7pm (can't leave tots home alone) and can't really have a male "guest" as I'd rather get to know someone and know if it would be a long term thing before introducing my kiddies to anyone (since they've already had one person snatched away from them).
But I crave the closeness and fun that was my marriage.
Can't see a way around this one...

VestanPance

Redman30 wrote: »

Please don't think that! If men have an issue with your children then that's a good identifier that they're a litle too self obsessed - as would expecting you to be available all the time. Teenagers especially shouldn't be an issue at all, they're the best sort with a little to a lot of independence.

I don't have children, I'm completely apathetic as to whether I ever want them, and other people's children don't have a lot of bearing on who I date.

I disagree with that. Some guys, not all guys, just won't want the emotional or financial responsibility of taking on another man's children should things get serious.

I think any man or woman is well within their rights to decide if they want to date a ready made family, because that is what they would be taking on. That's a very different scenario to dating someone who has no children.

That doesn't make them self-obsessed. Even more so if they have no children of their own the adjustment to planning things around a partners children would be a huge culture shock, one of which they didn't break themselves into through the years like the natural parents have.

Maureen43

VestanPance wrote: »

I disagree with that. Some guys, not all guys, just won't want the emotional or financial responsibility of taking on another man's children should things get serious.

I think any man or woman is well within their rights to decide if they want to date a ready made family, because that is what they would be taking on. That's a very different scenario to dating someone who has no children.

That doesn't make them self-obsessed. Even more so if they have no children of their own the adjustment to planning things around a partners children would be a huge culture shock, one of which they didn't break themselves into through the years like the natural parents have.

I take on board what you are saying, but I am not looking for a father for my children. They already have one. I am not looking for a man to take emotional or financial responsibility for my kids either. I am looking for someone to be MY partner. However I am sure my family life would indeed be a huge culture shock for someone who didn't have kids.

VestanPance

Maureen43 wrote: »

I take on board what you are saying, but I am not looking for a father for my children. They already have one. I am not looking for a man to take emotional or financial responsibility for my kids either. I am looking for someone to be MY partner. However I am sure my family life would indeed be a huge culture shock for someone who didn't have kids.

I understand what you are saying, but your view is from that from inside the family unit. You and your children.

The single person with no kids would need to weigh up many things. One is emotional investment. A relationship develops and they become attached to your kids. In order for the relationship to work without constant conflict they do need to integrate into your family unit. They may not be a replacement father, but they still would take on a role within that family unit if the relationship was to become serious.

Financially they would become integrated too at some level. You may be a couple, but surely there would also be trips as a family. No matter if that's a day out, Christmas, birthdays, holidays. Also if things progressed and there was co-habiting or marriage further down the line.

The obvious one is people with no kids adjusting to that families life. Having to balance things with child care, or even ensuring that they get on well enough with those children. Plus some will find the aspect of the father still being about and sharing of custody and that sort of routine from their partners previous relationship to be off putting.

Don't get me wrong I'm sure there are plenty of guys that will be willing to take on the right person who has children from a previous relationship, but I do question the likes of Redmans comment that it is because they are self obsessed. I'd say for many it's probably a smart move for them to have thought about things and be honest enough with themselves if they are willing to take on the responsibility of dating a family.

Person_one

Maureen43 wrote: »

I take on board what you are saying, but I am not looking for a father for my children. They already have one. I am not looking for a man to take emotional or financial responsibility for my kids either. I am looking for someone to be MY partner. However I am sure my family life would indeed be a huge culture shock for someone who didn't have kids.

I'm afraid its not that simple. Don't hate me, but I decided some time ago I would never date somebody with children. I never want my own, being a step-parent is an incredibly tough job and when there are children there's a lifelong relationship with at least one ex!

Its better that those of us who couldn't cope with a partner's children don't get involved with them at all, for everybody's sake!

edeneve

Person_one wrote: »

I'm afraid its not that simple. Don't hate me, but I decided some time ago I would never date somebody with children. I never want my own, being a step-parent is an incredibly tough job and when there are children there's a lifelong relationship with at least one ex!

Its better that those of us who couldn't cope with a partner's children don't get involved with them at all, for everybody's sake!

I do agree with you Person-one, since having relationships that for one thing or another broke down but were complicated and made difficult due to issues over my children, such as expecting to change the way i raise them to their beliefs. I would much rather a person know and say they are not interested in dating someone with kids then start dating only later after attachments are made to decide it isn't for them.

Its hard as I have dated men that are fantastic and great with the kids but not right for me and men that I have loved dearly but not right for the kids and lifestyle I have and men who are great for me and kids but his family are against me and kids....it surely is a nightmare lol

Redman30

VestanPance wrote: »

Don't get me wrong I'm sure there are plenty of guys that will be willing to take on the right person who has children from a previous relationship, but I do question the likes of Redmans comment that it is because they are self obsessed. I'd say for many it's probably a smart move for them to have thought about things and be honest enough with themselves if they are willing to take on the responsibility of dating a family.

You're right of course, for people who decide it's an issue then it is an issue for whatever reason. My comment was directed at Maureen's statement "Those without children expect you to be available all the time which of course I am not.".

Anyone who already knows you have children & expects you to be available at any time doesn't have a decent grasp of the lifestyle having children brings. They're always going to be the parents primary concern & if you wish to have a relationship with that person you need to work around it. That's where the 'self obsessed' comment came from, and I stand by it as entirely appropriate for this scenario.

Hope that clarifies it