Get mad or get even?

laurel48

I just wanted to say it is a very difficult decision because the natural thing when finding out something like this is to go for the jugular - I should know I had the exact same thing with my ex. However this kind of person can be very convincing so I really don't think the other woman is going to believe what you say as he will just make you out to be just some psycho ex as those that cheat are quite often very convincing liars until they are found out and will lie about everything.

Yes I am all for sisterhood but she is only going to believe what he is like when she finds out for herself. I have been tempted so many times to think about telling the new woman my ex is with as he has already cheated on her but there comes a point where I just think I have had such a lucky escape from him and if he wishes to "upgrade" to some dumb woman who believes every word he says good luck to her.

My life has been 100% better since I left him and that is all that matters.

Good luck OP for the future though and I hope life is better for you as well.

Mojisola

laurel48 wrote: »

Yes I am all for sisterhood but she is only going to believe what he is like when she finds out for herself. I have been tempted so many times to think about telling the new woman my ex is with as he has already cheated on her but there comes a point where I just think I have had such a lucky escape from him and if he wishes to "upgrade" to some dumb woman who believes every word he says good luck to her.

Rev wrote: »

Split with OH a few weeks back.

Then find out for the whole 2 year relationship I was one of two. Not so much 'the other woman' as it seems both relationships were started at the same time.

Until recently, Rev was in the position of being "some dumb woman".

I'm sure she would have appreciated someone telling her that she was, in fact, one of two before she wasted two years on this man.

Rev

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I am so sorry this has happened to you x

laurel48 wrote: »

Good luck OP for the future though and I hope life is better for you as well.

Thank you both. Honestly it's not effected my anywhere near as much as I thought it would. I lost my mum two moths back after a short battle with cancer. After spending 6 months watching her and helping her fight with all she had it has put things in perspective a lot for me.

It hurts, yes, but I'm better of without people like that in my life. I've discovered who my real friends and family are and have no place in my life for people who think lying and cheating is okay.

Honestly, the heartbreak for me was not being able to go to my mum for a cry and a hug.

laurel48

I was the dumb woman for 10 years before I left him and to be honest I very much doubt I would have believed someone telling me what he was like especially in the early days as they do say love is blind, as I too gave up everything to move in with him. It took me working it out for myself what he was like.

It is up to the OP of course to do what she thinks is right for her, I was just expressing an opinion that sometimes the best thing you can do is just move on, however hard it may seem at the time when the hurt is still there.

bigmaz

Hi Rev, hope whatever decision you make works out for you, I dont think anyone can judge if you do either of your suggestions. The obvious thing tho is that you are so much better without the idiot that done this to you. really hope things get better for you, and so sorry for your loss also really hard time for you

zaksmum

Something similar happened to a close family member - she'd only been married 8 months after 7 years together when she miscarried their first baby. She found out a week later that her scumbag husband had got another - also married - woman pregnant behind her back and wanted to be with her.

He left, set up home with the other woman and she had his baby.

A year later, SHE cheated on him with another man and he was left gutted.

I always think if a woman can cheat WITH him, she can also cheat ON him and I was more than happy she did.

His life was in pieces and I can only say they fully deserved each other.

JimmyTheWig

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

If you tell her, what will happen is that he will say that you are a lunatic who is jealous and that you are a liar etc. She will not want to believe you and will stick with him whatever.Even if deep down she does believe you she wont admit it to herself and will be in denial.
No way will she kick him out especially if hes got money/house/a nice car etc.

It's up to her whether to believe the OP or whether act on what the OP says.
The OP isn't doing this to necessarily split them up, isn't (hopefully) doing it to punish them and certainly isn't doing it because she wants the man back again. She's doing it to help out the other woman.

At the very least the OP will have planted warning bells in the other woman if she suspects anything that this man is up to in the future.

Welshwoofs

Having been someone who was cheated on a number of times in 10 years and with some people close to my ex knowing, I wish to god someone had told me so that I didn't waste anymore of my life than was absolutely necessary.

I would tell her, not out of revenge against him but concern for her. She's as much a victim of this slime as you are. She's moved across the country, no doubt leaving job, family and friends to be with someone who hasn't (and almost certainly won't) be faithful to her. Been there, done that...the mere thought makes me feel quite ill.

Yes, she may shout and scream and call you all the names under the sun - but when she's calmed down she'll start thinking and noticing things that aren't quite right and what she does then is up to her but at least any decisions she makes will be informed ones.

Wellyboots6

Having found out an ex had other 'women' rather than another 'woman', I initially got angry with the one that told me, mainly because she knew about me and the others and carried on anyway.

It was the feeling stupid because a few other people knew that made me angry. I felt like the only one that didn't know!

I did however throw him out the minute I was told, and he had only just moved in with me. I had however had doubts about him previously and hearing from her only confirmed what I thought.

There is no saying how she will react, but at least OP will have done her bit

Reggie256

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Very possibly. I think it sometimes helps to think through the options though ...

The other one I thought was a note along the lines of "just thought you'd like to know my STD tests have come back clear, quite relieved as you can imagine."

I don't see any way of doing it WITHOUT hurting the other woman though. Certainly the man is likely to play it down, "nothing in it, she always had a thing for me" etc.

And I suppose my suggestions - while not entirely serious - are coloured by that: it can't be done without causing hurt.

TBH I'd leave the sisterhood out of it. The facts, yes. Proof, yes - although some people just won't believe proof.

but the chap's going to spin it as the OP trying to ruin their happiness, whatever is said or not said!!!

Completely agree.

The chap obviously doesn't have a conscience; he would therefore have no problem with flat-out denial and lies regarding the situation.