Get mad or get even?

Robin_TBW

victory wrote: »

Why? To hurt her? To ruin her life? To destroy her when probably she knew nothing? Seems quite cruel on a maybe innocent person?

No, because words alone mean nothing from a stranger but proof does.

lululoveslondon

If it was me, I'd want to know. Agree with the others that something short and factual is best.

A picture may feel harsh, but would be a good way of proving it to her. Maybe if you have one that is clearly int he last 2 years, like at the Jubilee/Olympics?

JimmyTheWig

conradmum wrote: »

I would tell her, but out of kindness and female solidarity more than revenge. Ask yourself, would you want to know? Of course you would.

I would write her a letter, preferably to her workplace so he can't intercept it, or her email address. Be factual, not emotional, and give details that show you can't be lying, e.g. things that you would only know if what you're saying is true.

Then leave it at that and move on. For your own mental health it's best to avoid mulling over these things as much as you can.

I agree with this, totally.

If it's a case of "getting even", then walk away.
But if it's a case of wanting to help out this man's other victim then I think you should.

It needs to be a one-off thing. You don't want to get into protracted debates about "he was with me on such-and-such date", etc. You want to tell her the information and give enough evidence to make her believe it is true.

onlyroz

Shouldn't you offer the man the opportunity to tell her first?

mishmogs

Ok here goes, I would feel grateful that I found out what a rat he was but I would want to let the other victim know about the relationships we were all involved in.

In the end, if you have told her and she chooses to ignore the information and evidence (which you have collected and proved beyond doubt) then that is her decision.

He will probably evade all questions and carry on as before as he sounds like an accomplied cheater. There are usually little signs, looks, clues and evidence, but we choose to ignore them.

You are moving on with your life, if she chooses to stay with him, and I expect she will, then you have done your bit so let them both get on with it.

Robin_TBW

onlyroz wrote: »

Shouldn't you offer the man the opportunity to tell her first?

Because he definitely deserves that opportunity right? If he wanted to tell her he'd have already done so.

JimmyTheWig

onlyroz wrote: »

Shouldn't you offer the man the opportunity to tell her first?

Giving him the opportunity to come up with a story as to why she can't trust you.
And prolonging the whole thing. It needs to be a one-off communication in my book.

krlyr

I have been the receiver of that kind of news in the past - not from the woman he was chatting up but from her boyfriend (!) she'd told about it. OK, it wasn't a longterm relationship they were involved in, he just tried chatting her up, but I was glad the boyfriend (a friend of mine) told me. I'd seen some warning signs but not really had enough evidence that something was going on, so to have it confirmed by another person helped me make that decision to end it. Turned out she wasn't the only one he'd tried to chat up (and some girls were actually on a longterm basis, e.g. constant text conversations and so on) - it annoyed me more to hear from other people that they knew of other incidences only after we split up, rather than having been told beforehand. OK, I can understand why they may not have wanted to get involved, but I did feel a bit embarrassed that others (people I went out with on a regular basis) knew while I was (somewhat) oblivious to it.

I would probably just go for a straightforward message. Perhaps a telephone call or face-to-face chat so that you don't get stuck in a text argument or risk the boyfriend intercepting the email. Just let her know what happened but don't diss the bloke, give any suggestions, etc. - simply say you'd want to know if it were you and leave her to decide what to do with that information. My friend that told me did just that - told me about the incident and then left it there. Well, he did threaten to beat him up if I wanted :-P but there was no pressure on me to dump the guy, call him up and thrash it out there and then or anything, he just told me how it was and left me to decide what to do.

That's just my opinion from someone who's kind of been there.

loracan1

pigpen wrote: »

Count your blessings.. she is stuck with a cheating rat and you had a lucky escape.. just be smug when you hear on the grapevine he is still at it and cheating on her with someone else.. and get yourself tested for std's..

I get the impression the 'other' woman is unaware that he is a cheating rat - why would anyone feel smug if he was caught at it again?

I'm in the 'let her know in a calm factual manner' camp and at least give her the opportunity to find out out the truth sooner rather than later.

Saturnalia

I think you should tell her. Being cheated on is hurtful enough, but then finding out that everyone else knew and you've been publicly humiliated and talked about behind your back when all the while you thought your man loved you - that is pain beyond description.