Awkward situation with a friend

Padstow

embob74 wrote: »

I think we are all conditioned to feel we should retain friends no matter what but some people are just not true friends.
I had a friend who would make comments so snide I wouldn't realise until later that she was insulting me (or my family), I also felt guilt when I had no need to. And yet I chose this friend over others.
It became almost a compulsion to please my friend by paying for things and praising her and her family. Then one day something happened which I could not forgive and I never contacted her again. It still hurts as I feel friends are too few as it is but a friend should never make me feel bad or guilty or obliged.
You are obviously a very kind soul, unfortunately this can be taken advantage of. In some ways it might be better if you did become a bit bitter about the way you were treated as you would then have a barrier up which could stop you being taken advantage of and hurt even more in the long run.

I too had a best friend who was forever using put downs, coated with humour. I think we become conditioned to that like an abusive relationship.
It was only when she went abroad to work that I started to question the friendship, when she came back I refused her calls. I've never regretted it.

victory

koalamummy wrote: »

There was a time when she had the same perspective on life. Many years ago my oldest child was delivered at 27 weeks several hundred miles from home while I was attending a cousins wedding. Whereas this lady was not there with me she was always at the end of a phone. At one point, on the morning of my 23rd birthday to be exact I was told that there was a strong probability that my boy would not make it through the next 24 hours and to do whatever I felt appropriate. I was a complete wreck as I was completely on my own with my husband barely contactable several thousand miles away. I called this lady who managed to calm me down and contact the relevant person of our faith to perform the appropriate baptism and last rites. He survived and is very well today. However I will never be certain that I too survived without her input.

This was very good of her but its what friends do, if she could have come she would, friends is a two way thing but listen koalamummy just because she managed to act like a friend a whole long time ago you don't have to be eternally grateful for your ex friend showing some humanity.

You owe her nothing, you may consider her being on the phone a beautiful friendship thing but it has no payback.

As for the waltons. Jeez:mad:

I was thinking about your kids though last night if you are going for lunch without the kids, obviously much easier because you can talk un interrupted but what about next time will your ex friend tell you not to bring your own children? Whilst she is fleezing you for your money to try for a child of her own?

Teenie_D

Good luck for today Koala, I hope it goes well and I suspect that you have already decided you will go ahead and give your friend the money and nobody will change your mind.

Like the other posters have said, you don't owe our friend a thing, surely you're not the only 'friend' she had with children, I wonder if those other friends share the same guilt that you have, I suspect not!

I just hope you are prepared for whatever comes after. This woman wants your cash, not your friendship. Her explanation for the silence is just a load of bull, sorry, if she was as good a friend as you implied, she wouldn't have let the drift go on for so long and staying friends with your husband is just a kick in the teeth IMO.

It might all end up well and I hope it does but I don't think you should look for a good outcome.

vanessav

This thread has made me join the forum!
You sound like an extremely nice person. But you are thinking in a distorted way about this.
It is as if you feel you must 'pay' in some way for the fact that your life has worked out well. This woman is exploiting your misplaced sense of responsibility.
I have had fertility treatment myself and as my friends fell pregnant it was hard not to feel devastated. But really it didn't matter how many babies my friends had; it didn't actually make any difference to my situation. To be honest, taking someone else's money for the treatment would have added to the pressure (which was the last thing I needed).
I agree with the vast majority of posters. Whilst it is your decision, you must feel no obligation to give this person money. She is simply lucky that you are giving her another chance.

fluffnutter

Padstow wrote: »

She too had a charmed life until a burglary at her home exposed her husband as being gay...

Intriguing how the two connect... 'Darling, someone's nicked the telly and, by the way, I'm gay'.

Scorpio_girlie

Hi OP

I know I have come to this late, and quite likely you have already agreed to give your friend the money already, however, as somebody who has had IVF myself, I just wanted to add a couple of things>

Firstly, I would never have even considered asking a friend (even my very best friend) for this kind of money - it is a lot of money.

Secondly, what will happen if this cycle is unsuccessful? Will you get your money back? And probably, the thing that is glaring me in the face the most is, will she then come to you to pay for another cycle, and another and so on?

Good luck with your decision op - and I hope your friend is successful in her attempt to have a child.

SG
x

Padstow

fluffnutter wrote: »

Intriguing how the two connect... 'Darling, someone's nicked the telly and, by the way, I'm gay'.

It was many years ago, so memory a bit hazy. It was something like this.
Jewellery was stolen but the police thought the story not quite as it was told and discovered the husband had a boyfriend, the boyfriend was wearing a piece of jewellery from the "stolen" hoard and the game was up.
There had been no burglary, it was an attempt to defraud the insurance company.
Husband left to live with the boyfriend. Boyfriend a couple of years later hanged himself in their home. Strangely, his next partner did the same too.

Back in the day when being gay was not accepted by most.

Joons

Do not lend to friends - period!

Teeniepops

Hi OP,

I'm late to this thread, but wanted to add.

Firstly, you seem a good person, being able to admit that you miss her friendship after all this.

Her jealousy may have made her argue with you. You had what she clearly wanted, three times over. I'm not a mother but I can imagine being unable to conceive would drain you of many things emotionally and mentally.

So I can understand why her emotions got to her and understand her jealousy. THAT SAID, I DO NOT FOR A MINUTE CONDONE HER ACTIONS.

Everyone is entitled to a strop. Had she made any effort since to apologise and explain her outburst, I can imagine you'd be understanding and a friend to her.

She didn't.

Only now has she turned to your friendship and without so much as a sorry from the sounds of it. After calling you selfish, she's asking for thousands of pounds, knowing you have a family of your own.

I realise she may be desperate, but it's a lot to ask of ANYONE let alone someone who you yelled at and ignored for two years.

Rekindling a friendship is one thing. Being her bank is another.

Your friendship should be priceless to her, and not come with a value on it.

X

fannyanna

Don't give your hard earned money to this woman.

By all means develop a friendship with her again but why should that friendship come at a cost?