Awkward situation with a friend

*Louise*

So after two years of silence, you get a full apology just when she needs to borrow money from you? Coincidence or what.

I hope you have a lovely lunch and good catch up, but please don't forget what she put you through before....and don't let her make you feel guilty, none of the problems in her life are your fault.

If she can ignore you so easily for two years, imagine how easy it would be for her to ignore you if she owes you money.

fluffnutter

She's a dangerous woman, koalamummy, and you're allowing her to use you as her emotional punchbag. No good will come of this. I think you would do well to examine why she has such a hold over you.

Mad-Frog

Op forgive me if I am wrong but judging from your last posts you have already decided to give her the money haven't you?

My OH had a friend his best friend for a number of years, he lent him money, paid for drinks, meals etc etc. This friend then went on to rip off my niece, our family were furious and OH tried numerous times to contact him but was ignored.

He hasn't spoken to my OH for two years now, if OH totalled it up it would be a lot of money he owed, I don't mean a few pounds either

The point I am trying to make and you should sincerely consider, how would you feel if you paid for IVF and then she never spoke to you again?

shop-to-drop

I am curious as to why she 'needs' to ask friends for money to pay for this? Are they living beyond their means and already in a lot of debt and can't borrow the money else where. Have family already lent them or refused or do they just feel that everyone else should pay before them? Seems very strange indeed. If they are in dire straits now how will they ever afford to repay once they have a child? Also they have been trying for years so have had years to save. They need to be prepared to help themselves before asking others for financial help.

If you want to financially help 'Tell her lunch will be your treat as she needs to save her money for the IVF.'

Then be there to emotionally support her if she hasn't dropped you again by then.

Scorpio33

There is clearly a lot of history between you both which can't be ignored.

However, I would say to her that you think that you don't lend money to friends for that size, as you beleive it clouds the relationship - the relationship changes as a result. This is what I beleive and I would say this to any friend - even if they are my closest friend. As soon as you go into the territory of lending thousands of pounds, the relationship changes, sometimes for the worst.

I myself have been through IVF, so can understand how she is feeling, but I would never even consider asking friends for money for this, as it is akin to emotional blackmail.

Leave the past to one side, and tell her no - on a matter of principle.

Padstow

koalamummy wrote: »

Thank you again everybody for taking the time to consider my situation.

Phone call went well albeit a little awkward and stilted at the outset. I have had a sincere apology for being ignored for so long, which as I had come to expect from what some posters had stated, an explanation that being around me and my at times annoyingly happy family unit was too difficult especially since I had a habit of making light of horrendous pregnancies. If I can though please let me justify myself a bit by saying that finding humour in it was my coping mechanism, at no time did I ever view any of it as a joke.

I have been filled in on the background of what has happened to her medically over the last 2 years. It is pretty horrific and to be honest makes me feel terrible for how easy life has been for me.

We are meeting for lunch tomorrow for a longer chat without my children.

So you feel guilty for having had such a charmed life ... so far.
Take it from me you could lose it all financially tomorrow. Life is a house of cards, it only takes one event and the lot comes down around you.
If you don't think it could happen, have a read of the bankruptcy thread or the debt free one, not everyone there was a reckless spender.
What if the worst happened and your friend has your money?

I take it you're considering gifting this money, because it won't be paid back, if that were the case, she'd be borrowing from a bank.

Soubrette

koalamummy wrote: »

I thought that I was being sensitive, however I came across as being a heartless gloating moo. Hard not to feel bad.

A word of caution - with some people you will never win. If you make light of your situation you are a heartless gloating moo as you are just rubbing in the fact that you have what they can't. If you complain about your situation you are a heartless gloating moo as you have what they can't have and so should be grateful.

I don't know if your friend comes into this category but if she is, then you will never be able to do anything that will make her feel good because her basic emotion when dealing with you is negative, in this instance, jealousy.

Padstow

koalamummy wrote: »

There was a time when she had the same perspective on life. Many years ago my oldest child was delivered at 27 weeks several hundred miles from home while I was attending a cousins wedding. Whereas this lady was not there with me she was always at the end of a phone. At one point, on the morning of my 23rd birthday to be exact I was told that there was a strong probability that my boy would not make it through the next 24 hours and to do whatever I felt appropriate. I was a complete wreck as I was completely on my own with my husband barely contactable several thousand miles away. I called this lady who managed to calm me down and contact the relevant person of our faith to perform the appropriate baptism and last rites. He survived and is very well today. However I will never be certain that I too survived without her input.

We all know of fair weather friends, but there is such a thing as bad weather friends, I have one myself.

She too had a charmed life until a burglary at her home exposed her husband as being gay and her life changed in an instant. No more beautiful home and travel, she has existed on benefits ever since. She also thrives on her friends misfortunes loving to be caught up in the drama. When they are doing well, she doesn't want to know.
Sounds like you have a bad weather friend as well, until she wants something

embob74

I think we are all conditioned to feel we should retain friends no matter what but some people are just not true friends.
I had a friend who would make comments so snide I wouldn't realise until later that she was insulting me (or my family), I also felt guilt when I had no need to. And yet I chose this friend over others.
It became almost a compulsion to please my friend by paying for things and praising her and her family. Then one day something happened which I could not forgive and I never contacted her again. It still hurts as I feel friends are too few as it is but a friend should never make me feel bad or guilty or obliged.
You are obviously a very kind soul, unfortunately this can be taken advantage of. In some ways it might be better if you did become a bit bitter about the way you were treated as you would then have a barrier up which could stop you being taken advantage of and hurt even more in the long run.

warehouse

If you lend this money you will never see it again. We all seem to know that fact, why don't you OP?