Relationship

SingleSue

FBaby wrote: »

Unfortunately, when such relationship start badly from the start, it is much harder to make up and start again on the right foot. Saying that, the arrival of a new baby in the family can be the opportunity.

For me and my mother in law, the new start was me and her son divorcing!

We had a mutual dislike of each other before, nothing I did was ever good enough for her but after the divorce, she has been an absolute godsend, always there to help out, dropping everything at god awful hours of the night to babysit when one of the boys have been taken to hospital, even getting her son (by a thorough nagging) to pay child support...don't think he knew what had hit him, she was not a happy bunny to discover he hadn't been paying.

Tiglath

OP, am I right in thinking that in some sections of Indian society, it can be common for the mother-in-law to treat a daughter-in-law a bit like a servant? The daughter-in-law is expected to do all the cooking and cleaning, even if the mother-in-law moves in with them? Is that possibly the root of your problem - a fear that this will happen? Are your in-laws Indian too?

balletshoes

FBaby wrote: »

I agree, I hadn't picked up that they had stayed for months at that time so yes, I can understand the apprehension, but my instinct would have still been excited at meeting my partner's family.
Surely that was discussed and agreed first?

I think thats where the culture comes in - my OH is not from India, but in his culture, and considering his family live 3 thousand miles away, if they were to come visit us in the UK, my OH would expect that they would stay with us for the entire duration, anything else he would consider an insult to his family and our home.

crvs

Tiglath wrote: »

OP, am I right in thinking that in some sections of Indian society, it can be common for the mother-in-law to treat a daughter-in-law a bit like a servant? The daughter-in-law is expected to do all the cooking and cleaning, even if the mother-in-law moves in with them? Is that possibly the root of your problem - a fear that this will happen? Are your in-laws Indian too?

My In - laws are INDIAN too. But they are not like the one mentioned above. When I go INDIA to meet them we share our work load. For 15 - 20 days there is no problem. Problem is that she gets involved too much and would be disappointed if we dont do it her way. When she came here , ever day she did the cooking and shopping. Many could say its good but I was left out after few weeks. I felt annoyed and couldnt tell them.

One day,I tried to cook something I liked when she has cooked already for every one. She complained later moving to INDIA that it is not correct and I disrespected them.

Over all, I think I will learn to adjust and move one. Someone mentioned that I was Jealous. I think that is true. Given my childhood was troublesome and how I was treated, I might be jealous of their lovely relationship.

I should learn this is new life and will change.

Thanks

Thanks

lostinrates

Crvs,

Perhaps if you can get back on track you will find there is a lot of love available for you and your baby too...I certainly hope so. Sometimes the best relationships are those that have a little trouble at the beginning you know.

May I ask why you type India in capital letters?

balletshoes

crvs wrote: »

My In - laws are INDIAN too. But they are not like the one mentioned above. When I go INDIA to meet them we share our work load. For 15 - 20 days there is no problem. Problem is that she gets involved too much and would be disappointed if we dont do it her way. When she came here , ever day she did the cooking and shopping. Many could say its good but I was left out after few weeks. I felt annoyed and couldnt tell them.

One day,I tried to cook something I liked when she has cooked already for every one. She complained later moving to INDIA that it is not correct and I disrespected them.

Over all, I think I will learn to adjust and move one. Someone mentioned that I was Jealous. I think that is true. Given my childhood was troublesome and how I was treated, I might be jealous of their lovely relationship.

I should learn this is new life and will change.

Thanks

Thanks

See these are minor irritations, and to be honest, having discussed this with other wives of men from my OH's culture, I would expect my MIL (if I had one) to do exactly the same thing in her home and mine. She probably thought she was helping you, as you were working, so she did the cooking. Now I'm not saying her attitude was great, only you know that, but really, in the grand scheme of things, her cooking and shopping her way and doing it all the time when she was in your home, isn't a big deal. Honestly, its not.

eta - I remember one woman I knew from a forum I used to be a part of, had her MIL over for around 4-6 months every time she visited, and as well as cooking every day for the whole family, she re-arranged the kitchen cupboards and surfaces, and also re-arranged all the furniture in the living room!

Welshwoofs

crvs wrote: »

Even before they arrived , my husband's high talk about them that they will be wonderful parents in law etc made me stressful . To be honest , I didnt like them coming at all at that point.

So even before you'd met them you'd made up your mind that you didn't want them to come based on the fact that your husband said they were wonderful parents?? Would you have preferred to have a husband who hated his parents and never saw them?

Problem is that she gets involved too much and would be disappointed if we dont do it her way. When she came here , ever day she did the cooking and shopping. Many could say its good but I was left out after few weeks. I felt annoyed and couldnt tell them.

In your first post you say that you were under a lot of work pressure, so couldn't it be the case that your MIL thought she was taking stress off you by doing the cooking and cleaning? I have to be honest, if an in-law came to stay in my house for a prolonged period and did all the cooking and shopping I'd be bloody ecstatic!

Mojisola

Welshwoofs wrote: »

In your first post you say that you were under a lot of work pressure, so couldn't it be the case that your MIL thought she was taking stress off you by doing the cooking and cleaning? I have to be honest, if an in-law came to stay in my house for a prolonged period and did all the cooking and shopping I'd be bloody ecstatic!

Such a lot of a person's reactions depends on their previous experiences.

If you've had good relations with family and are used to people pulling together, this help could be a positive thing.

If you've been bullied and made to feel inadequate, someone taking over your house could say to you - you're so useless you can't even run a house well.

Dunroamin

crvs wrote: »

My In - laws are INDIAN too. But they are not like the one mentioned above. When I go INDIA to meet them we share our work load. For 15 - 20 days there is no problem. Problem is that she gets involved too much and would be disappointed if we dont do it her way. When she came here , ever day she did the cooking and shopping. Many could say its good but I was left out after few weeks. I felt annoyed and couldnt tell them.

One day,I tried to cook something I liked when she has cooked already for every one. She complained later moving to INDIA that it is not correct and I disrespected them.

Over all, I think I will learn to adjust and move one. Someone mentioned that I was Jealous. I think that is true. Given my childhood was troublesome and how I was treated, I might be jealous of their lovely relationship.

I should learn this is new life and will change.

Thanks

Thanks

Unless she deliberately cooked something that she knew you strongly disliked, I would say that this was a pretty rude (and pointless) thing to do.

Welshwoofs

Mojisola wrote: »

Such a lot of a person's reactions depends on their previous experiences.

If you've had good relations with family and are used to people pulling together, this help could be a positive thing.

If you've been bullied and made to feel inadequate, someone taking over your house could say to you - you're so useless you can't even run a house well.

True enough - but then the grown-up thing would be to sit and talk with the in-laws reasonably and perhaps explain how she feels and how her background has impacted on how she acts now. If you look at it from their side; they've got a DIL who didn't want to see them from the outset, has cut weekly contact down to festive occasions only and also doesn't want them over to help when the baby's here. From their POV they're probably wondering why she's reacting like that, what they've done to earn the treatment and why she apparently dislikes them so much.

That's not a situation that's going to get any better and if it's a case that it's the ghosts of her past responsible rather than anything tangible these people are doing, she really needs to make strides to talk to them about it. Otherwise I'd think that she's not only going to continue to drive a big wedge between her an her in-laws, but also her and her husband who is naturally going to feel torn in two.