Relationship

stupot_99

I feel sorry for you, have you spoken honestly with your hubby about this and im not talking about fighting. Try telling him how you feel and also try speaking to his mum more as well you might find she has valuable tips etc for dealingwith being pregnant, if you start to respect his parents he will start to see you in a new light. It wont be easy but eventually you will start to build a relationship with your in laws. I have a great relationship with mine and respect and love them even though we dont always agree.

Make-it-3

What is your background/culture CRVS? If you don't mind me saying, your postings sounds like English is not your first language.

I am British, married to an Indian and I understand a lot about how hard it can be when you are living with not just your in-laws but those from a different culture for any length of time.

Given the little bit you have mentioned about your own upbringing/history and add a pregnancy to the mix it is not surprising you are outpouring here.

What is the situation now? Has your husband left you? What do you want to achieve in the months ahead?

I do agree that getting a doula is a good idea. I certainly baulked at the idea that my brother & sister-in-law come over from India to "help with the baby". It would have been disasterous on a huge scale and I put my foot down very firmly on that one.

elizabethdennis

Hi CRVS,

First, I understand why you're feeling this way. But you need to understand and accept that they are your husband's parents! You cannot do anything about that. You just have to accept them whether you like it or not, they are your husband's family. And since you are married to your husband, that makes them your family as well.

Devi

They're his parents and he's certainly not going to take kindly to you and your sister in law discussing them at length and although it is useful for you to share your experiences with her - make sure you are not being manipulated by her and adding to the problems.

Your husband is always going to support his parents as they are not here to defend themselves and I am sure you wouldn't either if the tables were turned and it was your parents and their DIL in this predicament.

From a cultural perspective, their son's house is the equivalent of their own house and most indian DILs know and respect this - you should be thankful they are not there all the time and that she cooked etc while she was here - she could have been the type to make you do everything even though you are working full time!

The way i see it - you have the opportunity to build bridges once the baby arrives and you should use this as a fresh start. You need to stop being so sensitive (and melodramatic by leaving when you've argued etc) and take a more positive approach for the future as there is a baby to consider.

Your hubby needs to support you more too but that will happen naturally when baby arrives. Good luck.

Shineyhappy

Both myself and dh are English but I can empathise with your dilemma. Mil really seemed to dislike me when we first met and I tried to talk to dh but he seemed to think I was making it up. Until his aunt stuck up for me dh would say that she was just like that to everyone. I continued to be nice to her and really made an effort to be interested in her and her hobbies and slowly I won her over. Anyway we got engaged and it was only then that she apologised for being mean saying that it was because every time she got attached to his girlfriends they broke up, but now she could keep me.

Even so it took a while for me to accept her help when they came to stay without being resentful. I would wake up and mil would prepare veg or something as she had woken early. I would be irked because we hadn't decided what we were eating and it felt like we were forced to eat what she decided. I was angry to start with but I understand why she does it and I appreciate she is trying to help.

Take a deep breath, and when you get upset try and think why she is acting the way she does. If you can see she means well it is easy to cope with and learn to say thank you for doing all the cooking but I really fancy chips or whatever so shall we cook that together tomorrow?

pigpen

I feel anyone who could live with their inlaws for several months without killing them deserves a medal. I can't think of anything more rude or intrusive without them insisting on having your bedroom too!! I can just about cope with a few days before I have to come home. I would think this built a lot of resentment from the start, you cannot wind down and relax from a stressful day at work for months because you have to be polite and gracious to your house invaders..

I am a prickly sort of person, I don't feel the need to be close to people. I love my OH but I don't have to love his family nor them me, and tbh I couldn't care less if they like me or not, they are stuck with me! So I can understand why you feel as you do.

You need to either let go of these negative feelings towards them, but you also need to have a quiet conversation with your husband about how his parents make you feel, tell him you understand he misses them and loves them but you need some of his time too. I do think sometimes our upbringing and family are so very different to other people it is hard to adjust to their family ways and behaviour.

You don't have to love them, you don't even have to like them but you have to remember your husband always will and respect that.

If they are being rude or unpleasant to you then you and your husband need to discuss it and work out a way to stop them. Maybe next time you meet them, greet them warmly etc, stay pleasant and have a code word or a look your husband will recognise and will step in and change the topic of conversation or stick up for you a bit, all he would need to say is 'please don't be rude to cvrs' or 'I don't think this is the time to discuss this' or something along those lines. It may just be cultural differences assuming they have adopted an American lifestyle which can appear very domineering and brash to those with more sedate lifestyles.

Give them another chance, with hopefully your husbands support, and let him have his phonecalls, I'd be ringing my son every 5 minutes if he lived in another country, I would miss him hugely. Talk to him, he too is in a difficult place, see if yo can't reach a compromise.

crvs

Make-it-3 wrote: »

Has your husband left you? What do you want to achieve in the months ahead?

I do agree that getting a doula is a good idea. I certainly baulked at the idea that my brother & sister-in-law come over from India to "help with the baby". It would have been disasterous on a huge scale and I put my foot down very firmly on that one.

No . Not in a million years neither he or I will do. We both love and respect each other except this one situaiton. As I previously said, Im extrovert and will express things quickly.He is shy and introvert and doesnt express his feeling. Hence it is difficult to think what he is thinking and going through. How much ever I try sometime I dont get proper response.

Well, I have decided to communicate with my In laws slowly and steadily. I do want to keep my distance but I would like to keep relationship going. It is not that we havent got along well from the first. Before marriage and during the first year of marriage it was all lovey and dovey. Reality hit only when they stayed with me for long time.

Given that Im having a baby, I dont want to rob the happiness of their gentle involvement about the baby and also im not doing the justification to my unborn child. Therefore it is time to break the ice and get things started.

As we live in 2 bed room flat with one attached toilet bathroom setup it is not advisable to bring them or any guest. It will end up messy. Also given the past history it may be difficult for both the parties to have hormonious relationship immediately. It is better that way.

Thanks

crvs

Devi wrote: »

They're his parents and he's certainly not going to take kindly to you and your sister in law discussing them at length and although it is useful for you to share your experiences with her - make sure you are not being manipulated by her and adding to the problems.

Your husband is always going to support his parents as they are not here to defend themselves and I am sure you wouldn't either if the tables were turned and it was your parents and their DIL in this predicament.

From a cultural perspective, their son's house is the equivalent of their own house and most indian DILs know and respect this - you should be thankful they are not there all the time and that she cooked etc while she was here - she could have been the type to make you do everything even though you are working full time!

The way i see it - you have the opportunity to build bridges once the baby arrives and you should use this as a fresh start. You need to stop being so sensitive (and melodramatic by leaving when you've argued etc) and take a more positive approach for the future as there is a baby to consider.

Your hubby needs to support you more too but that will happen naturally when baby arrives. Good luck.

1. I understand sometime 2nd hand information is not all that correct. I agree with your point.

2. I have always accepted my parents mistake in absence of them. It is better to take criticism positively rather than being defensive irrespective who they are

3. I think it is old generation's view. In modern India this is not the case. Therefore I disagree. I will not or will allow my in-laws or anyone to treat me as they please. Im not their slave or servant. Therefore I strongly disagree with your point.

4. I agree that arrival of the baby is the good start for renewed relationship

Thanks

crvs

pigpen wrote: »

I do think sometimes our upbringing and family are so very different to other people it is hard to adjust to their family ways and behaviour.

You don't have to love them, you don't even have to like them but you have to remember your husband always will and respect that.
It may just be cultural differences assuming they have adopted an American lifestyle which can appear very domineering and brash to those with more sedate lifestyles.

Give them another chance, with hopefully your husbands support, and let him have his phonecalls, I'd be ringing my son every 5 minutes if he lived in another country, I would miss him hugely. Talk to him, he too is in a difficult place, see if yo can't reach a compromise.

1. This is very true in my case. Both family has different upbringing and different lifestyle.

2. Agree

3.They love USA but they didnt adapt American lifestyle. They follow INDIAN lifestyle.

4. Yes , I will. See my other replies before this one.

Devi

Re your point 3 - from what you are saying they don't mistreat you in any way so its not really an issue - the issue is that they are close to their son, your husband, and this has brought out some insecurities in you relating to your past, which you admit to and need to work out a way forward for the sake of your child who will also be related to your in laws by blood and it wouldn't be fair of you to keep your child from forming a good relationship with its grandparents based on your issues.

My point was that a indian parents will always treat their son's home as their own, regardless of how modern or traditional they are, my own parents/ex in-laws included.