Relationship

Mojisola

Welshwoofs wrote: »

True enough - but then the grown-up thing would be to sit and talk with the in-laws reasonably and perhaps explain how she feels and how her background has impacted on how she acts now. If you look at it from their side; they've got a DIL who didn't want to see them from the outset, has cut weekly contact down to festive occasions only and also doesn't want them over to help when the baby's here. From their POV they're probably wondering why she's reacting like that, what they've done to earn the treatment and why she apparently dislikes them so much.

That's not a situation that's going to get any better and if it's a case that it's the ghosts of her past responsible rather than anything tangible these people are doing, she really needs to make strides to talk to them about it. Otherwise I'd think that she's not only going to continue to drive a big wedge between her an her in-laws, but also her and her husband who is naturally going to feel torn in two.

Absolutely! As usual, the main problem seems to be lack of communication from both sides.

I wouldn't take over in someone's house without asking if he/she would like some help from me. If I had cooked and my DIL came in and cooked something for herself, I would have taken it a sign that she wasn't 100% happy with my help. In this case, though, the cultural expectations are different and the MIL has taken offence.

The poor husband is stuck in the middle and must be finding things very difficult. He's not likely to listen seriously to his wife if his mother is telling him how he has married a rude, wilful girl.

I think a counsellor is probably the way to go - someone who will be able to show each side how their expectations and previous experiences have coloured their reactions. Once crvs and her husband get themselves sorted out, he can then help crvs and his parents to come to an understanding.

The birth of a baby can give people a new start - make use of the months until then.

lostinrates

Dunroamin wrote: »

Unless she deliberately cooked something that she knew you strongly disliked, I would say that this was a pretty rude (and pointless) thing to do.

In four months you wouldn't feel like eating something you particularly 'fancied' in your own kitchen?

I think you are all saints who feel this way.

crvs

lostinrates wrote: »

May I ask why you type India in capital letters?

I just dont want country nam to be mixed with other words. Nothing special.

crvs

Welshwoofs wrote: »

That's not a situation that's going to get any better and if it's a case that it's the ghosts of her past responsible rather than anything tangible these people are doing, she really needs to make strides to talk to them about it. Otherwise I'd think that she's not only going to continue to drive a big wedge between her an her in-laws, but also her and her husband who is naturally going to feel torn in two.

Im a straight forward person. I wish to talk and let them know. But I dont think they appreciated that Idea. Anyway, I have got loads of suggestion. I will take on board and move on.

Thanks

crvs

Mojisola wrote: »

The poor husband is stuck in the middle and must be finding things very difficult. He's not likely to listen seriously to his wife if his mother is telling him how he has married a rude, wilful girl.

Certainly my husband is finding difficult. Thats the reason I have come forward to post and sort things out. His mother/dad didnt tell anything to my husband. They complained it to my brother in law. My co-sister informed me.

My Co-sister also went through similar things with them. I didnt post that information as it might cloud the real suggestions and advise.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It's difficult dealing with strangers in your home. Which is what they were when they came.

Your husband doesn't see that because it's his Mum and Dad.

His parents also have to deal with a woman they don't really know, living in the same house as their son - so they're comfortable with their own childs, but not certain how their new DIL will be with them.

They've offended you a bit, you've offended them. It happens, especially as you were under a lot of stress at the time they came to stay.


The rest of the time they are not here, they're not taking up all your husband's time - work, you and your baby will be. Perhaps despite everything so far, it might help if you were to email your MIL and say you are sorry things didn't go smoothly at first, you were nervous, you're quite shy around new people and working hard, you wanted to show them you could manage well, you didn't mean to offend her or hurt her feelings when she worked so hard to help? (it might feel like she just pushed in and took over, but this is to make things go more easily, not to start more of an argument)



It doesn't hurt to say things that will smooth the relationships later, once the baby comes. It could make it easier for you and everyone else.




Do you have anyone to help you whilst the baby is small? A friend's mum couldn't come over because she was ill, so they employed an older lady to come and stay with them for a while. Or perhaps you have friends here who you can talk to? It's not the same as having someone move in for a couple of months, but it's certainly better than feeling as though you have to go through it all alone.

balletshoes

crvs wrote: »

Certainly my husband is finding difficult. Thats the reason I have come forward to post and sort things out. His mother/dad didnt tell anything to my husband. They complained it to my brother in law. My co-sister informed me.

My Co-sister also went through similar things with them. I didnt post that information as it might cloud the real suggestions and advise.

I really think you need to take a step back - as it turns out your in-laws didn't even say anything to your husband complaining about you, so why would you be offended? They didn't say to your husband anything horrible, so he shouldn't feel stuck in the middle, feeling like he has to defend his family, or you, to the other party when he wasn't even told this stuff directly.

Families gossip, I'm pretty sure my own family have said stuff behind my back about my marriage (and no doubt my OH's family have had a field day about it too ), no big deal - it doesn't hurt me if neither of us (my OH or I) hear it.

Dunroamin

lostinrates wrote: »

In four months you wouldn't feel like eating something you particularly 'fancied' in your own kitchen?

I think you are all saints who feel this way.

Fancying something else is fair enough - leaving a meal that someone had already cooked for you seems rude to me. Would you be happy if you'd cooked your partner a meal and s/he came in and just cooked something else?

crvs

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

t doesn't hurt to say things that will smooth the relationships later, once the baby comes. It could make it easier for you and everyone else.


Do you have anyone to help you whilst the baby is small? A friend's mum couldn't come over because she was ill, so they employed an older lady to come and stay with them for a while. Or perhaps you have friends here who you can talk to? It's not the same as having someone move in for a couple of months, but it's certainly better than feeling as though you have to go through it all alone.

Yes, it doesnt hurt to say things in email and get going again. But I feel certain sensitive things are better to be not written but informed in person. I have asked my husband to give me the phonenext time if they want to know anything about the baby.

I was married on March 2008. Between 2008 - 2009 , I have spoken to them everysingle week and was very friendly. we didnt get well only when they were here. This time I will take the relationship bit slowly. May be that will help.

Im planning to hire a doula service to make me and my husband to have a positive feeling about birth.

lostinrates

Dunroamin wrote: »

Fancying something else is fair enough - leaving a meal that someone had already cooked for you seems rude to me. Would you be happy if you'd cooked your partner a meal and s/he came in and just cooked something else?

I meal plan. But sometimes dh will say.....you know what...I'd like to take you out, or one or other of us will say you know what I just do not fancy what's planned...can it go on hold, can we have it as a left over tomorrow. And yes, it ha happened tha he ha come home after a tough week looked at supper and looked sad. Was I hurt? I think I was a little, I cannot remember but I am no saint! I do know that I would be mortified if he was being taken over and fed by me in a way tha was making him feel frustrated and unfree.

Would you really be happy if someone had rearrange your kitchen cabinets to suit them? I wouldn't be.

I have cooked with dh's aunt and cousins, who taught be how to make traditional cultural meals in their family way, but.....they would not dream of rearranging my kitchen. A cousin lived with us for a while and she helped me clean it, it was great fun actually.