Relationship

lostinrates

I am shocked, with the diatribe against mil often found here that no one has offered kind words to OP.

For most peoe having in laws to stay for four months, as long term houseguests, always supporting your partner in the little things 'against' you and in early marriage when their are lots of little things to work through and develop your own routines together over would be extremely trying.

Op, like you I have minimal contact with my in laws. I respect them, and I am not jealous of my husband's love for them, indeed, it is very attractive to me to marry someone with no chip in his shoulder about family, but I feel their relationships between each other are the crucial ones, not mine and theirs.

When tensions arise its a terrible position to be in between parent's nd new partner, and I did not want my husband to impair his relationship with his family. By having minimal more positive contact this has worked for us.

Very recently I have started talking to my sil more. She made a hugely manganous apology for things that happened in the past and I assured her that I didn't stick pins in a doll with her name, and we have been able, to chat more. I am thrilled. Really thrilled. But I wouldn't be having her to stay with me for for months either. A weekend would be nice again. (and I am hugely positive about mixed generation and family households, one of my parents lives with us...the difference is, dh and my parents really genuinely get on fantastically, they both refer to him as 'their son' and he loves them.).

crvs

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Am I right in thinking you're from India?

Yes , Im from INDIA.

Thanks

FBaby

crvs wrote: »

All,
After his parents first visit on March 2009 - September 2009 everything went wrong. During the time, I was under lot of job pressure and other issues. Even before they arrived , my husband's high talk about them that they will be wonderful parents in law etc made me stressful . To be honest , I didnt like them coming at all at that point

Sorry, are you saying that at this point, you hadn't yet met them? You got married without them there?

If so, surely you would have looked forward to meeting them? What reason did you have then not to welcome them with anticipation? Are you saying that because you had pressure at work, you had a right to be rude and unwelcoming to your parents in law you were meeting for the first time?

If this is the case, blimee, I really feel sorry for his parents. How awful if would be to come across the atlantic, looking foward to meeting the woman your son has chosen and get this attitude? No kidding they are reacting as they are now.

From what you are writing, it sounds like you are the possessive suffocating one? The only contact he has with them is a phone call once a week and you think this is too much???

Maybe I got it all wrong as your post is not very clear.

crvs

zaksmum wrote: »

Why do you feel jealous of your husband's relationship with his parents?

Sincerely I dont know. Im feeling very insecure. I do understand others point but they do need to see it from cultural prespective.

Thanks

FBaby

But why were you so negative even before meeting with them? That's the thing I don't understand.

moneysaymoneydo

Be thankful they live the other side of the world, and i would imagine your husband gets worked up when you speak of them as quite frankly you dont really have a nice word to say about them. If would be stressed to if in laws crashed at mine for months at a time but you need to be a bit more understanding that they are your husbands parents and count your lucky stars they are not local and can pop in on a regular basis. Everyone to a degree is defensive if someone criticises their parents thats life. For the sake of your baby, their grandchild try and loosen up and just think once a year visit is not that bad!

Mojisola

lostinrates wrote: »

I am shocked, with the diatribe against mil often found here that no one has offered kind words to OP.

For most peoe having in laws to stay for four months, as long term houseguests, always supporting your partner in the little things 'against' you and in early marriage when their are lots of little things to work through and develop your own routines together over would be extremely trying.

I think most people would struggle with any visitors for that length of time but crvs seemed set against them before the visit. Why would her husband saying that they would be good parents in law cause stress?

crvs - there's probably more history behind your feelings than you've told us or want to tell us. You have said that you probably contributed to the bad feelings but, with a stressful job and longterm visitors, that's understandable.

As his parents are now at a distance, does that make you feel better? It comes back to the old saying - you can't change them but you can change how you react to them.

You're now thinking of walking out on your husband for the second time. Do you really want to separate or do you do this to try to make him realise how bad you feel? Does he take your feeling seriously?

balletshoes

crvs wrote: »

Sincerely I dont know. Im feeling very insecure. I do understand others point but they do need to see it from cultural prespective.

Thanks

maybe if you explain to us what you think the cultural perspective is, for you, and then what you think the perspective is from your in-laws point of view, we can help a bit more?

Fbaby I have to say, I wouldn't be thrilled at the prospect of my in-laws coming to stay in my home for months at a time, I would say apprehension would be more how I'd feel rather than excitement, its a long time to be in close quarters with people (even family that you get along with).

lostinrates

Mojisola wrote: »

I think most people would struggle with any visitors for that length of time but crvs seemed set against them before the visit. Why would her husband saying that they would be good parents in law cause stress?
There is in that statement a possible interpretation that anything that went wrong would be her fault, not a mutual clash. A sense he is siding with them before any clash arises.

And surely having stress at work and a new relationship is enough reason to be set against any long term visitors without any emotive situation from them/him/self imposed ( my guess is all three are potentially relevent and I do not dismiss the latter at all)
crvs - there's probably more history behind your feelings than you've told us or want to tell us. You have said that you probably contributed to the bad feelings but, with a stressful job and longterm visitors, that's understandable.

As his parents are now at a distance, does that make you feel better? It comes back to the old saying - you can't change them but you can change how you react to them.

You're now thinking of walking out on your husband for the second time. Do you really want to separate or do you do this to try to make him realise how bad you feel? Does he take your feeling seriously?

I would say forget the parents, they are not the issue that is most pressing. The situation with your husband is.

Would he consider talking this through with a third party? To try and gain perspective from your angle and to help you appreciate his position more?

mountainofdebt

FBaby wrote: »

Sorry, are you saying that at this point, you hadn't yet met them? You got married without them there?

If so, surely you would have looked forward to meeting them? What reason did you have then not to welcome them with anticipation? Are you saying that because you had pressure at work, you had a right to be rude and unwelcoming to your parents in law you were meeting for the first time?

If this is the case, blimee, I really feel sorry for his parents. How awful if would be to come across the atlantic, looking foward to meeting the woman your son has chosen and get this attitude? No kidding they are reacting as they are now.

From what you are writing, it sounds like you are the possessive suffocating one? The only contact he has with them is a phone call once a week and you think this is too much???

Maybe I got it all wrong as your post is not very clear.

As I said this may be where western view points are hard to give objective advice as I think cultural issues may be the prominent problem here.

The girl I worked with had her PILs living with her for 6 months and they only returned as their visa run out.

During their time here they ate her out of house and home (and I don't think they contributed to the shopping bills either) and as the time for them to go home drew closer she got more and more agitated as she expected them to ask her and her OH for money....which they did - and she was pleased when they accepted the money in monthly installments rather than as a lump sum.

Now I wonder how many 'western' parents would do the same?