Relationship

crvs

All,
I have been married for 5 years now. My husband closeness to his parents makes me more vulnerable. After his parents first visit on March 2009 - September 2009 everything went wrong. During the time, I was under lot of job pressure and other issues. Even before they arrived , my husband's high talk about them that they will be wonderful parents in law etc made me stressful . To be honest , I didnt like them coming at all at that point.

We were settled in UK at that time and with in 3 days of her arrival she told us to migrate to USA and also to leave my Job my husband said she said in good sense). I felt irritated and gave her back. There are also couple of instances that she said something unreasonable.

I could have contributed more to the relationship issues as I felt they are possessive about their son and started to see me as different.

after few months my parents contacted them to say hello but they complained about me and that I was not respectful to them. Not even a single day they were happy.

I decided not to talk to them over the phone every week and will only speak to them on birthday / wedding day or festive occassion.

In 2012, my mother was in ICU and fighting for her life. My parents in law at that time also thought that it will be too expensive to fly and didnt come. My husband asked me whether he should travel but I asked him to come but he did help great. These all made me more angry.

Today Im 26 weeks pregnant. My parents cannot come to UK and support me. I didnt want my in laws due to history. Yesterday, during the weekly phone call , I said something to my husband. He became so defensive after the call and we had an argument that ended up me packing things to move away. I have done this once already.

He says that Im manipulating him. But real reason is Im not able to stand his closeness towards his parents. I feel he puts them first before anything. I have been having this feeling very long time.His closeness towards his parents make me more vulnerable.He even said you and his co-sister will only take care of your parents not my parents. I dont have any expectation from both of you, I will take care of them.

He always tell me that im unreasonable and emmean towards th. He doesnt accept the fact I and them are not getting along due to mutual emotions. Howmuch, I feel not being with them they also feel the same. They are applying USA visa to visit their eldest son urgently because they are afraid that his son will call them for pregnancy help.

Even If we have called them they wouldnt have come due to history. Everytime I speak anything about his parents he becomes so defensive and he doesnt accept the fact they too have same feeling as me.

Note: My mother in law always send him an email every day (mostly forward) and checks with him once in a while if he is reading them or not. She used to send me but stopped after their first visit.

Is it me who is unreasonable?
any help?

Tiglath

You do sound quite prickly, to be honest. It seems like you're determined to reject them on all counts. As long as you're married to their son, they'll be in your life to some extent, so you're going to have to find a way to make peace with your situation. You're putting your husband in a very awkward position. I'm not really seeing that they've done anything wrong.

Dave101t

i wrote 2 long replies to this, just deleted them as whats the point. your letting his parents (potentially) split you up? good luck with your life with that attitude....

zaksmum

You need to chill out a bit. Why do you feel jealous of your husband's relationship with his parents?

Ladyhawk

I am really sorry - but I am really confused by your post OP.

Can you give us some perspective re locations?

fluffymuffy

Rather than sulk about his strong relationship with his parents why not put your energy into wining him over to a stronger relationship with you? You have a longer future ahead with him than they do.

balletshoes

You don't expect to criticize your husband's parents and expect him to be happy about that do you?

You don't have to get along with them, of course you don't, if you really object to them (it sounds more like his mum you have an issue with, not his dad?). So you keep doing what you're doing, contact them or birthdays, special days etc.

I don't really know why, in your particular set of circumstances, the pair of you had to argue about his parents and you end up leaving? His parents are his parents, he has (by your own admission) a close relationship with them, thats not going away, so you're going to have to deal with their relationship the way it is if you're going to stay with your husband and have a future together.

McKneff

You are going to have a baby, in 20 or so years time, that baby will be grown up and no one will be good enough for them.
You really need to calm down for your babys sake, try to get along with your inlaws, dont disrespect them to anyone, especially your husband.

You really are putting him in a difficult position. He is between a rock and a hard place.

How would you feel if he started disrespectin your parents.

McKneff

zaksmum wrote: »

You need to chill out a bit. Why do you feel jealous of your husband's relationship with his parents?

I think that's it in a nutshell, to he honest.

mountainofdebt

Am I right in thinking you're from India?

I have to say I worked with a girl from Asia whose husband was Indian and to me, what his parents expected from them was totally gobsmacking and as a westen girl I found I couldn't give any advice as it did seem to be cultural issues rather than personal iyswim.

Is there anyone from the same cultural background that you could talk to ?

Personally I feel sorry for people who come from a background where culturally you're expected to live one way but you've grown up in a society that has given you different expectations

Mojisola

You do sound very defensive - nothing you've said seems bad enough to make you feel the way you do.

As you're pregnant, your hormones are going to be affecting your emotions and that can make everything seem much worse.

Even if your husband's parents and you can't get along, at least you don't have them living round the corner and visiting every week. It's usually easy to get on with people who you don't see.

Have you thought about trying some counselling to see if you can understand why you feel the way you do about his parents? It may be perfectly justified because there may be much more going on than you have explained here but, if it's your reaction to them rather than the people themselves, it's in your power to change.