Son is stingy

purple.sarah

Luxuries should come out of his pocket money but he needs to understand this so discuss it with him at a neutral time, not when he wants something. Help him to budget, find the best deal, get the money out and pay for it himself and you will be teaching him valuable life skills. Try to avoid labeling him as stingy. As a child he will have been used to you paying for things, as a teenager he needs to take more responsibility but his Aspergers means he will struggle with changes in routine. Don't blur the boundaries by saying you will pay for something and he will pay you back because he might not understand this, encourage him to take money out himself or to wait till he has money. I wouldn't give him the CTC and child benefit, my mum did not give those to me when I was young but spent them on essentials for me.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

By the way, if you've told him the legacy money is for education, a home, etc, its not for day to day stuff.

And don't think for one second that dipping into it for anything won't have him absolutely beside himself that you've stolen from the money given to him by somebody else for it. He will see it as you stealing from him. And most likely never forgive and never trust you again.

Own_My_Own

TheConways wrote: »

Aspergers sufferers are often very high-functioning. It's not known as "Engineers Disease" for nothing! I know two Asperger's sufferers who are very sociable, go out with friends for drinks etc.

Aspergers sufferers often get obsessed by one thing and dwell on it. I wonder in this case if the obsession is hoarding money (tell-tale sign: he doesn't trust banks, you use the word "stash", he received Christmas money but has immediately saved it, not wanting to spend it). I would almost take the focus off money in your conversation, and gear it to lifestyle. Now that he is 15, he can take more responsibility over his lifestyle. How do you want to work this together? Ask him some open questions and listen to understand. If he gives you conflicting replies, try to resolve them. Use reason and logic and be consistent. Aspergers sufferers will often struggle with emotion and context, so keep it simple.

Thanks for the aspergers info. I totally forgot my son has it. On reading the thread again I stand by my statement. From what the OP has said, I very much doubt her son will be going out for drinks with friends in the near future.

purple.sarah

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

By the way, if you've told him the legacy money is for education, a home, etc, its not for day to day stuff.

And don't think for one second that dipping into it for anything won't have him absolutely beside himself that you've stolen from the money given to him by somebody else for it. He will see it as you stealing from him. And most likely never forgive and never trust you again.

I wasn't clear whether they dipped into the legacy money or the Christmas/pocket money, you are right that the legacy money should be saved for the future.

fredtheguava

Own_My_Own wrote: »

The Ops son has aspergers. The likelihood of him going out for a meal/drink with his mate in the near future are very slim.

That's a bit harsh - I have Asperger's and regularly meet with friends one-on-one for a meal or a drink. It took some work, sure, but it's something I've always done.

Own_My_Own

fredtheguava wrote: »

That's a bit harsh - I have Asperger's and regularly meet with friends one-on-one for a meal or a drink. It took some work, sure, but it's something I've always done.

My original comment was made on info given by the OP about her son, not aspergers in general.
My second and third comment was made because the poster obviously had not read the thread, which is about the OPs son and not aspergers in general.
This comment is because YOU have not read my other comments.

fredtheguava

Own_My_Own wrote: »

My original comment was made on info given by the OP about her son, not aspergers in general.
My second and third comment was made because the poster obviously had not read the thread, which is about the OPs son and not aspergers in general.
This comment is because YOU have not read my other comments.

Your post made no reference to anything else the OP had said, simply that he had Asperger's; implying this was why he would not be going out with a mate in the near future.

I quoted that post and that post only. I think it was a wild generalisation and one which I point out because it is unfair to lump us all together. That one post did exactly that. The edit button is there for a reason; if in later posts you realise you did not convey what you intended to, perhaps you could make use of it in future to avoid these kinds of generalisations staying out there.

Ynayesta

OP, because your son has aspergers that may make change more difficult for him, but you are in no way helping him by coddling him. You must learn to say no for both your's and your son's sake. He needs extra support to learn how to be fully responsible for himself and that support can not be given in the form of buying his luxury items.

It's great that you give him pocket money, this is his 'extra' luxuries money, I would advise you help him to budget it, do not 'borrow' him money, and certainly don't take anything out of his 'cash stash' if he owes it to you or not.

He's at a point age wise now where he needs to know how to be responsible with money, and when he's a little older people will just expect him to know. When he's 18 and wants to go off to uni or live by himself he's going to need these skills which you still have time to help him understand.

My partner (who's got AS) was in the same kind of situation, and his parents still do spoil him occasionally, however he's holding his own now, budgeting well, in his third year at uni, living in student accommodation. having to budget for utilities and food has probably been the hardest thing, but that's only because getting used to having less luxury can be difficult when you've had things handed to you. He's all the better for it though, and highly responsible now.

No two people with AS are going to react the same, but everyone who will be expected to needs to know how to be responsible for themselves.

I hope you work this situation out with your son, and that he copes well. You do need to put your foot down. Remember he might not feel like you are just trying to discuss this with him, but instead having a go at him that tends to happen with AS so if he starts being argumentative you need to remind him that you're not telling him off.

HappyMJ

patchwork_cat wrote: »

That is a lot of responsibility for a 12 yo. Do you buy school uniform, shoes and coat, stationery etc.?

Just the school uniform...budgeted for once a year..everything else she buys herself.

TheConways

fredtheguava wrote: »

Your post made no reference to anything else the OP had said, simply that he had Asperger's; implying this was why he would not be going out with a mate in the near future.

I quoted that post and that post only. I think it was a wild generalisation and one which I point out because it is unfair to lump us all together. That one post did exactly that. The edit button is there for a reason; if in later posts you realise you did not convey what you intended to, perhaps you could make use of it in future to avoid these kinds of generalisations staying out there.

Couldn't agree more. The OP also says that the son has dyspraxia, which also varies in its severity. I have a friend with Cerebral Palsy also - she works full time and goes out with friends in her wheelchair. Let's not assume someone cannot function and be part of society if they have dyspraxia and Aspergers, as it's simply not true.