dilemma help please

lazer

pukkamum wrote: »

Well I sent my email it was this

Hi ******
Just to let you know after consideration I won't be coming, I was under the impression that it was a girls weekend not a couples weekend that my husband had been left out of, which I must tell you has upset us both, not sure what the thinking behind that was.
I hope you can pass on the ticket, if not let me know and I will give you the money for it and sell it on myself.
Love **** x


And got this in return

What the f*** are you talking about **** - just for one I wish you would pick up the phone and speak to me rather than sending these sort of emails. I bought you a ticket because I know you would love to see him, my husband had bought me a ticket because he knows I would love to see him. There wasn't a chance in hell that both you and your husband would be able to take a weekend to london so forgive me for thinking about giving you a really nice treat.
I think its time you had a think about how you percieve people's actions and maybe actually ask some questions before jumping to massive conclusions.
I do so much to maintain a relationship with you and kids and to be honest you do f*** all (2 visits to my house in over a year???) so you can shove your indignation up your a**e I won't be making any sort of effort with you again

I think i'm in the dog house!
Am composing my reply, any advice?

Right - this e-mail seems to indicate there are more issues going on

1) - Is she right, that both you and your husband couldn't go to London - you have children, so maybe she has assumed one of you would need to be at home?

2) - She feels as if you don't make an effort with her by the sounds of things - how close do you live, how often does she visit you? TBH if your sister lives close and you visit twice a year - it doesn't sound much, but then if you see her at your paents house on a regular basis. is there any need to visit?
Do you think you make an effort with her - or are you simply busy with your husband and kids and don't actually speak to her or see her much?

3) - I agree with her - pick up the phone (Do not reply by e-mail) and talk to her - or better yet, go and visit her.

Don't go to the concert if you don't want too - but if the thoughts behind the ticket were genuine (just not thought through very well then don't be offended and don't make a big deal out of it)

victory

Don't let it escalate, ring her mobile, her landline, don't tit for tat answer emails in anger, can never take them back, calm down first and be better, ring her, if she won't pick up then text her with a time you will ring so she knows you are going to ring her..

victory

pukkamum wrote: »

Hmmm wish I had done that instead I sent this

I didn't pick up the phone cos a) you never answer the phone and b) I knew this would be the kind of response I got, I'm not sure what you mean by there being no chance me and my husband could go to London, and quite frankly this isn't the first time he's been left out of things and he's beginning to wonder why.

Two visits in a year? !!!!!!!!, erm came over when you first moved in, came over for your husbands 40th came over when you were pregnant, came over when you had the baby, came over for your 40th, how many times other than that have we been invited?

You need to remember that my husband works very long shifts in a very tiring job, driving for 1,1/2 hrs to get there and 1 1/2hrs back on a weekend for a cup of tea when he's either been working nights not getting up til sat aft or been up every morning at 4am is not something I am willing to ask him to do all the time. It's not like you and your husband who are with each other all day with the shifts my husband works there are times when he hasn't seen the kids at all and so weekends are precious.

You were the one who moved so far away without thinking about how it would impact on how much we see each other and that was your choice, jesus I saw hide nor hair or you when I had the baby even though you knew I was having a nightmare.

Perhaps you need to not jump to conclusions about what people can and can't do and I still see no reason why my husband wasn't invited, I actually was trying to get him a ticket so we could both come thats why I left it til now to contact you.

I'm sorry that you feel I make no effort like organising that night out with you me and our other sister, inviting you round during xmas and when that didn't happen having you and our other sister round taking your son on days out, having him for tea etc but if thats how you feel fair enough, yet again I am in the wrong and you are completely blameless.

I know that it is hard for you being all the way over there not seeing anyone but as I said before that was your choice, me and my husband have done a hell of a lot for you over the years and have always been there for you as you well know, so in terms of effort making I think we have done more than a lot of people would. I don't understand why you take everything anyone does that doesn't fit in with you want as a personal slight maybe you need to start thinking a bit more about other people.

Hmmm perhaps I should have just left it but she makes me soooo very ANGRY!
:mad::mad::mad:

ouch tit for tat, I DID THIS AND YOU DID THAT, calm it down, keep it real, keep it in context, none of this is about the tickets, it is years and years of angst:eek:

pukkamum

lazer wrote: »

Right - this e-mail seems to indicate there are more issues going on

1) - Is she right, that both you and your husband couldn't go to London - you have children, so maybe she has assumed one of you would need to be at home? We do have kids but my mum will always have them and in fact we had told her mum had offered to have them one weekend so we could get away.

2) - She feels as if you don't make an effort with her by the sounds of things - how close do you live, how often does she visit you? TBH if your sister lives close and you visit twice a year - it doesn't sound much, but then if you see her at your paents house on a regular basis. is there any need to visit?
Do you think you make an effort with her - or are you simply busy with your husband and kids and don't actually speak to her or see her much?
She lives an hour and a half away through countryside very costly in petrol and time, she comes over here to see my mum usually every other week and I always see her then. I often organise nights out with her and my other sister and if her son is at my mums I have him over for tea or take him out.
3) - I agree with her - pick up the phone (Do not reply by e-mail) and talk to her - or better yet, go and visit her.

Don't go to the concert if you don't want too - but if the thoughts behind the ticket were genuine (just not thought through very well then don't be offended and don't make a big deal out of it)

I really do make an effort to see her and in the past we did ALOT of things for her over and above the call of duty.

SuzieSue

OP, your relationship with your sister sounds just like mine. We have exchanged very similar emails in the past (we are similar ages to you and your sister).

Last month, it got to the stage that I couldn't cope any more and we have not had any contact for around 4 weeks and I am so much happier. My relationship with my OH is just like yours and my sister couldn't understand why we just like being with each other and don't need anyone else.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you my story. I don't know what is going to happen in the future, but for now, I am so much happier without all the stress she used to cause.

pukkamum

victory wrote: »

ouch tit for tat, I DID THIS AND YOU DID THAT, calm it down, keep it real, keep it in context, none of this is about the tickets, it is years and years of angst:eek:

Yes I know it really is tit for tat but sometimes things have to be said as this is not the first time we have been through this.
I think part of it may be that at one time we very very close me my DH and her, we did loads for her (hiring a car to drive her stuff to London from up north for just petrol and car hire) going to Manchester at 8 in the morning to pick up her car because she had left it in a no park zone and was too drunk to pick it up.
Helped her move house numerous times oh the list just goes on and on and .....................
So she still expects the same level of devotion and because we have neither the time nor the inclination anymore she sees it as us not caring.

pukkamum

SuzieSue wrote: »

OP, your relationship with your sister sounds just like mine. We have exchanged very similar emails in the past (we are similar ages to you and your sister).

Last month, it got to the stage that I couldn't cope any more and we have not had any contact for around 4 weeks and I am so much happier. My relationship with my OH is just like yours and my sister couldn't understand why we just like being with each other and don't need anyone else.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you my story. I don't know what is going to happen in the future, but for now, I am so much happier without all the stress she used to cause.

Thank you so much Suziesue that does make me feel better, I must admit part of me thought well if you not making the effort means me not having to spend endless time and money doing what you want us to do then its a relief.
It really upsets me as we were so close but I can't keep doing this.
I know what you mean about the husband thing for some reason she thinks I should be wanting to escape from him all the time, when actually all I want is to spend time with him and our kids.

victory

pukkamum wrote: »

Yes I know it really is tit for tat but sometimes things have to be said as this is not the first time we have been through this.
I think part of it may be that at one time we very very close me my DH and her, we did loads for her (hiring a car to drive her stuff to London from up north for just petrol and car hire) going to Manchester at 8 in the morning to pick up her car because she had left it in a no park zone and was too drunk to pick it up.
Helped her move house numerous times oh the list just goes on and on and .....................
So she still expects the same level of devotion and because we have neither the time nor the inclination anymore she sees it as us not caring.

You see it that way but your sis sees it that she has been let down?

You see how two people in the same situation have two very different versions of what happened?

Has your sis got anyone else helping her? Other family? Friends? is she younger than you and reliant on you? Is she having probs at work, financially, emotionally with her partner and needs you but instead of asking for help and coming across pleasant she goes on the attack, gets aggresive and it all comes out wrong?

SuzieSue

Also, all these people telling you to phone, I think email is a great way to communicate as whenever me and my sister phoned each other it ended in a shouting match and no-one could hear what the other was saying. At least with email you can think about your answer and so can the other person.

victory

SuzieSue wrote: »

Also, all these people telling you to phone, I think email is a great way to communicate as whenever me and my sister phoned each other it ended in a shouting match and no-one could hear what the other was saying. At least with email you can think about your answer and so can the other person.

But with email you can wrongly read things into the wordings and that makes it worse:o

Lost in translation