dilemma help please

exarmydreamer

I have struggled with dyslexia for years but i'm glad it gave you a laugh.:(
Post deleted.

Hope you treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

jellyhead

exarmydreamer wrote: »

I have struggled with dyslexia for years but i'm glad it gave you a laugh.:(
Post deleted.

Hope you treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

Please don't feel bad about it. The laughs weren't about your dyslexia It was just that the missing comma made the sentence seem to mean something else. I've made the same mistake myself and people have found it funny. I make mistakes in my typing all the time

It was light-hearted and I don't think Landy meant to be mean. Please come back, we're a nice bunch really!

pukkamum

an update if you haven't all heard enough about my ongoing saga.
So my husband sent the younger sister a message asking if she had seen all the emails telling her i was very upset and asking that she doesn't make it worse.
He got this reply
yes I have seen the email trial and think that pukkamums emails were full of bitterness and nastiness, perhaps being sat at home all day she will think about why she needs to be like this over a lovely birthday gift.
I suspect that the fact I am able to stay at home with my lo's really bugs them and they are using this against me.
I sent little sister a text (she won't pick up the phone) asking her (very nicely) which points I made that were so bad and if her reaction would have been any differently had she recieved the abusive email.
Had no reply.

Lifeforms

The proverbial has hit the fan over the whole family.
It was over a gift that has to be the beginning, doesn't matter who bought it, who thought of it, or whether it was to be delivered with pixie dust by magic powered unicorns. Sounds extreme to describe it like that? Well that's how the whole thread sounds from start to finish.

What is done, is done. I suggest that you cut any replies for quite a while. Let things either stew, or settle. If you find talking to you mum, with out her taking sides, then write her a nice letter (not an email) and explain that due to everyone making you feel that your sister can do anything because of her "illness" that you constantly feel like the bad person as you can simply do no right by her way of life, or standards. As such a break is beneficial for you both, however you will still go to family whatevers, and will not cut contact with anyone but your sister.

Or don't either way, it's beyond a sorry now.

You ALL need to stop the I'm telling mummy because you threw the dummy out the pram ie she says, he says, mum says, this says, I say etc. Just stop it. Stop enabling your sister(s) to do this. Be the mature one.

Don't reply to anything you get now, it's only going to get worse! I suggest you save the emails in a file somewhere and give it to your hubby to hide, same as the texts, (sent/recieved) so you can't keep going over them, but you can still access in the future, and get on with your life.

Include your nephews/nieces in what you do, birthdays, xmas, etc and hope they get passed on to them. Now sit back, live your life and just see what it brings.

Frankly you can't chose family, and when you need to walk away because of something you will be the worst person ever, and maybe that wont change, but have some conviction in life, stand for what you believe and you will never be unhappy that your life follows you around down your own made path.

Life is short, so by that sense you should forget it all, and forget any future faux pas that will happen and accept that your sister is special that way. Your life is destined to be the (better) one who takes the hit for the team.

But then life is short, so why should you deal with that crap if it makes you unhappy. Live your short life for you, or for your kids, or for your hubby, but never live it pleasing your birth family uncompromisingly. (i do not mean kids/hubby, but sisters, mum, brothers etc)

Pollycat

I really would take a step back from this now, Pukkamum.

You've explained the relationship between your older and younger sister and I can't see any amount of texts changing her mind at this time.

Please let the dust settle and then maybe - if it's what you want - try to resolve things when the bad feeling between you all has died down a little.

pukkamum

Lifeforms whay a very insightful and helpful post, you are totally right nothing I say or do at this point is going to change the sisters points of view and by continuing I am simply giving them more fuel for the fire.
My DH has made the precise point you make I have to make my decision stick to it and live with and forget about what may or may not be being said behind my back as hard as this is.
The trouble is there is still a bit of me desperately wants my points to be taken on board and addressed fully but I suspect that will never happen.
I will continue to try and have contact with my nephews through my mum and just hope one day there will be a reconciliation.

Lifeforms

You are you, and your sister is your sister, and you will both be very different. You will never force her to see any bad points about herself, and indeed she will never force you to see your bad points. And we all have bad points, but most people never have them so bad that they physically continually affect other people.

You will probably have to accept that she wont change, it's who her very being is, and she has to accept that you wont change either.
It's too easy to say we'll change, when in reality, when it's down to our very personality, it'll rarely happen. You can see this in many threads, people rarely change for the good (of that particular relationship, wife/hubby, partner and parnet, mum and daughter, etc etc.)

You will either have to accept that that's just the way her cookie crumbles, and carry on as you were before, and try not to build more resent that eventually explodes as it just has.
OR
Be yourself, stand strong, even if it means you may never have a properly loving relationship with her again.
However I will say about nephews and nieces, they're only young once. When they get old enough to start to question things, as much as their mum tells them about you, if you've tried all the time, so send cards, and presents, and invites over, they will realise you're not what they may have been told you are. Sending via your mum will put her in the middle, but it will at least mean if your sister rejects the gifts, your other family will know you're trying.

On your part with your kids...
Mummy disagreed with your auntie over something, so if your don't see your nephews/nieces, or aunt or uncle for a while, it's not your fault. Don't say why unless they ask and then keep it simple. We had a argument, how silly of us; keep it light. Just raise them to accept your sister as a long distance aunt, so even send her cards from your kids on her birthday, and at xmas etc. That way when your kids are old enough to question, you can honestly say you let them try, and let them decide what they want to think about it.

I also hate to say it, don't get into facebook arguments with the family too. If you find posts about you, that you can see, either hide the post, remove the poster (but don't block unless it's obscenely bad, and if you need to block, explain why so you're not seen as the bad person). Just don't reply.

I should also say, I grew up hating my brother, we both acted like we didn't exist, and when we did cross paths, physical fights were a norm! When he went to uni, and I was still at school, our relationship took a massive leap. We became a lot more caring, and loving, and missed each other because we weren't living in each others lap. So much so that I really look forward to going to visit him and his own family now. Would never had thought that possible growing up! Time and space often makes a huge difference.

notakid

pukkamum wrote: »

Lifeforms whay a very insightful and helpful post, you are totally right nothing I say or do at this point is going to change the sisters points of view and by continuing I am simply giving them more fuel for the fire.
My DH has made the precise point you make I have to make my decision stick to it and live with and forget about what may or may not be being said behind my back as hard as this is.
The trouble is there is still a bit of me desperately wants my points to be taken on board and addressed fully but I suspect that will never happen.
I will continue to try and have contact with my nephews through my mum and just hope one day there will be a reconciliation.

Not in a hundred years/hell freezers over! I think polly made a good point early in the thread once you take yourself out of the picture maybe someone else will be the scapegoat? Then, maybe, you will get a sympathetic hearing. Sit back and wait for that day.


All you have to do is look back on this thread, people have taken the hump, been apologetic, crossed wires galore! Its human nature I'm afraid to take offense.

You do have a happy home life, a loving husband I get the feeling you don't feel you match up to the rest of your family's lifestyle. And I certainly get the feeling you wouldn't be friends with your sister if you weren't related.:p

The only thing you can do now is sit on your hands and not reply, let the outrage pass ('cos it seems they love a drama!) Don't give it to them, let them get outraged at something else!

victory

You see the thing now is pukkamum is that the waters have been muddied, if there was undelying festering annoyance, resentment and a dislike of who did what, years of it, now as well as the emails, the family involvement reaching further than just you and your sister (probably being told to friends also) everyone now adds more to it, remembering even more of what happened when, all sort of negative memories now flood back making the whole sorting out, healing, relationship maintaining all distorted and harder to achieve.

Emotions, especially all these negative ones are a powerful thing, they need to be taken out of the equation to bring back sisters together.

Please think about it, keep away from any more confrontation, anymore family involvement and just wait, time is a great healer.:D

bagpussbear

Pollycat wrote: »

I really would take a step back from this now, Pukkamum.

You've explained the relationship between your older and younger sister and I can't see any amount of texts changing her mind at this time.

Please let the dust settle and then maybe - if it's what you want - try to resolve things when the bad feeling between you all has died down a little.

I totally agree. Pukkamum, please step back from texts and emails as sometimes the best action is no action, at least for the moment. Everyone needs time to calm down, and reflect on things, and maybe you can start to talk a little later down the line (if that's what you want). I wish you the best of luck with everything