Daughter causing me grief.

Ewer123

rose28454 wrote: »

I think her worry with the new house is that she does not want to take responsibility for her life so its easier to say she is depressed. I tried to talk to her about it last week and said many times in the last 20 years with an alcoholic husband and severe money problems I had down days but I still worked and held mine and my families lives together. She just text me and said she has tidied up and that the reason I feel down is the pressure of still being responsible for my mother ( she had a fall late last night and I had to go out) but even though that is a burden its not the problem .
She started at the gym last week which is something.
How is your health now?

Depression makes you unable to feel you can cope with anything, I'm not saying she hasn't done anything wrong, but house move would definitely trigger a revert back into the shell response. Does she know how much this is upsetting you?

I frank and open discussion might be in order, as with your own mum's health to contend with, it seems like a very stressful time, if she see's this I'm sure she would want to help.

My health is up and down, your never cured of it, always there to raise it head to make you feel worthless at anytime. ( I'm sure my job situation has suffered because I felt I wasn't any good at anything )

Take care of yourself

rose28454

Gingernutty wrote: »

This thread started off as your DD living with her boyfriend/fianc!.

Why are you paying for any part of her lifestyle? Tattoos? Breast reductions? WTH?

She sounds extremely childish. She doesn't seem to have taken responsibility for anything. You've helped to enable that.

Buying and moving into a new home is a huge adult step and it sounds like she's retreating into behaviour patterns that she's familiar with.

She has to move out. Of your home and your life. She has her boyfriend/fianc! and a job.

Yes I know I am an enabler. Did it with my OH for years before I asked him to leave in 2008. At the weekend when we were away working he told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and thanked me for pushing him out to sort out his life. He is now 6.5 years sober , lives on his own and is happier than ever. He was on anti depressants for years and about 4 years ago he weaned himself off them and now just uses exercise and fresh air as his therapy.
Going to start a discussion with her tonight. I know she will threaten suicide but I have to do it for her and me. I suppose by default I have paid for those things as she has always lived free at home and sponged money off me. Recently she has not taken so much money but neither has she given me any.

geminilady

I agree she should pay something for her keep but do not agree with you comparing yourself and your ex with her you are different people and depression is not exactly the same with everyone .Does she have a regular review with the Doctor re her medication? maybe she could try a lower dose and see how she gets on.From what I have read I don't think she is sure she wants to spend the rest of her life with her fiance and maybe she feels you are pushing her with the house because you like him so much.

thorsoak

For goodness sake, Rose - when are you going to stop being a doormat?

I know that sounds harsh - but it really is time that you stopped being a doormat for whichever relative needs to wipe their feet!

Your daughter needs to grow up and she won't grow up whilst you continue to shield her and continue to allow her to behave in this selfish way.

Yes, she may have mental health problems but it does not look as if you are the right person to help her - she needs help from others - not you.

rose28454

geminilady wrote: »

I agree she should pay something for her keep but do not agree with you comparing yourself and your ex with her you are different people and depression is not exactly the same with everyone .Does she have a regular review with the Doctor re her medication? maybe she could try a lower dose and see how she gets on.From what I have read I don't think she is sure she wants to spend the rest of her life with her fiance and maybe she feels you are pushing her with the house because you like him so much.

My oh attempted suicide himself twice and although he still has his black days he deals with it. Maybe her depression is not the same how should I know. She is seen regularly by the dr and I suggested maybe she lower her dose but she flatly refuses to ask as she sees it as her validation she is ill. She does actually love her fiance but he is a careful lad who worships her and will do anything for her and like me she uses him. Not 3 weeks ago she was talking about getting married to him and having a family. I am so worn down by it all maybe I am pushing her towards him although in the last 6 months I have kept quiet about their relationship but just got annoyed that once again she has let him and us ( we paid £100.00 for an electrical survey- we said we would give them some help due to her brother's wedding we contributed too and because bf's parents are helping a lot with money towards the house) and is now getting cold feet again. I actually feel sorry for him as if only he knew what she has done in the past 18 months or so.
Now I will be entirely mercenary and say I just want her to go and if she does not move in with him she will never leave. I am 60 and just started a new job to try and clear my mortgage and debts before retirement in 5 years.
Sometimes I am ashamed of her

rose28454

thorsoak wrote: »

For goodness sake, Rose - when are you going to stop being a doormat?

I know that sounds harsh - but it really is time that you stopped being a doormat for whichever relative needs to wipe their feet!

Your daughter needs to grow up and she won't grow up whilst you continue to shield her and continue to allow her to behave in this selfish way.

Yes, she may have mental health problems but it does not look as if you are the right person to help her - she needs help from others - not you.

I am trying to reply to everyone as the replies are varied. Yes I know I am a doormat and have started standing up to sis, Mum and OH whenever they take the Pxxx. dd knows I am annoyed with her and I think she knows I am going to kick off tonight so will probably run to his but its ok I can wait till tommorow. She has had a lot of help from the professionals but takes their advice for a while and then goes on a bender ( not supposed to drink ) and spends a week or so feeling sorry for herself. She did a cursory tidy so when I went for lunch I put loads of her stuff on her bed and will continue to do that tonight. It was not what I call clean or tidy. I am exhausted this week due to a weekend away working so I am really not in the mood. Crunch time has come I think

thorsoak

Were I in your shoes, Rose, I would be thinking seriously about printing off this whole thread and leaving it with her! She needs to know just how seriously this is affecting you - and also, what opinion other people have of her.

rose28454

thorsoak wrote: »

Were I in your shoes, Rose, I would be thinking seriously about printing off this whole thread and leaving it with her! She needs to know just how seriously this is affecting you - and also, what opinion other people have of her.

OMG She would probably really kick off. I have a habit of sending emails to various family members when they upset me and she thinks that is a terrible thing to do. She just called me to say she is going shopping for t and said he is coming for t ( a shield I think ) and she is all sweetness and light but did say her time at gym today has made her feel much better
Will report back tommorow

meritaten

hi Rose. nothing much has changed has it? she still lives rent-free, she still manipulates you............................It isn't going to change. Face it - she isn't going to marry her lovely boyfriend! to do so would mean she gives up her lovely crutch - YOU!
I seriously doubt that you will ever get out from under. Its a shame because you are a lovely person and mum. Too lovely! you acknowledge that you are an enabler, too eager to step in and help and worse - you cover up and make excuses for others horrendous behaviours.
Rose - hunny, you have all my sympathy, but, there is no magic wand I can wave and make it all better. YOU are the only one who can better your life. You have to either grin and bear it - or do something to change it. kick her out and for gods sake stop giving in to the emotional blackmail!
if she brings bf for tea - don't hesitate to confront her - because this concerns HIM too! and if she kicks off - then she kicks off! just walk away from her if she does - but make it plain you are finished with her games!

meritaten

rose28454 wrote: »

OMG She would probably really kick off. I have a habit of sending emails to various family members when they upset me and she thinks that is a terrible thing to do. She just called me to say she is going shopping for t and said he is coming for t ( a shield I think ) and she is all sweetness and light but did say her time at gym today has made her feel much better
Will report back tommorow

Rose - read this again - then think hard. WHY are you so scared of her 'kicking off'? WHY does her opinion of you matter so much? WHY on earth do you tread on eggshells around her all the time? who is in charge here? easy one to answer - SHE IS!
sending an email to someone who has upset you is NOT a terrible thing to do! if you are just telling someone they have upset you and how, its perfectly fine! again - you are putting too much credence on how SHE reacts!
Rose - Your life is not your own - she owns you. she rules you - you may have a 'little rebellion' now and again..........but she soon brings you back to heel. and her life becomes the way she wants it again.
She has no respect for you - she doesn't see you as a kind loving mother...................she sees you as a slave to her wants. she doesn't even give you 'wages'! yet you let her live in your house, you do her washing, deliver it to her room (which she cant even keep nicely), keep her secrets, take her abuse, love and try to help her....................and she despises you in my opinion. that is how I and I think others on here read her. and that is from YOUR posts and you try so hard to make us think she is 'depressed etc'.
I have a son who suffers severe depression and have an OH who does to. they do not treat me like your DD treats you. because they have 'respect' for me.
I am sorry Rose - I know these words will cut you - but, can you honestly say they are not true?

I have to say this Rose - I don't think your daughter is depressed, I think her mental problem goes way beyond that. I think she sounds like a real sociopath or at least a narcissist. who is not getting all their own way!