Daughter causing me grief.

go_cat

She sounds very very immature.

I think it's time for her to stand on her own two feet and for mum to start living her life the way he wants to without worrying about her daughter.

thunderbird

from what you have said here (I don't know any more of your background) what stands out to me is your daughter showing signs of lack of security. If that is the case then pushing her away now will only exacerbate the problem.
Couldn't you work together to sort out the situation? Encourage her to settle her debts, sort out the situation with her fiance and then you will consider helping her with a deposit.

I was wondering what her relationship with her father is like now?

LannieDuck

She doesn't sound like a 26 year old. You need to separate out all the issues and deal with them individually.

i) £100/mth rent is fine. If she has a part-time job and her own business, she should be paying a nominal rent.

ii) Stop colluding on the cheating. What she does with her life is her choice, but you don't have to carry on lying for her. Suggest that she doesn't bring either of the young men home with her while she's living with you, unless she's comfortable with you being honest around them.

iii) I can see how your son having a private education would hurt her, even tho he had a scholarship. I think you need to start being scrupulously fair about how much money you give your children. If you're giving your son £x for his wedding, you can tell her that she will have £x for her wedding when she gets married too. Write it down somewhere.

iv) If you can't afford a deposit for her, that's the end of the matter.

rose28454

LannieDuck wrote: »

She doesn't sound like a 26 year old. You need to separate out all the issues and deal with them individually.

i) £100/mth rent is fine. If she has a part-time job and her own business, she should be paying a nominal rent.

ii) Stop colluding on the cheating. What she does with her life is her choice, but you don't have to carry on lying for her. Suggest that she doesn't bring either of the young men home with her while she's living with you, unless she's comfortable with you being honest around them.

iii) I can see how your son having a private education would hurt her, even tho he had a scholarship. I think you need to start being scrupulously fair about how much money you give your children. If you're giving your son £x for his wedding, you can tell her that she will have £x for her wedding when she gets married too. Write it down somewhere.

iv) If you can't afford a deposit for her, that's the end of the matter.

We already told her when she got engaged we would find the money for her wedding when it happened. Ds and his fianc! are saving for their wedding and her father is helping and we will probably have to give about 1000. As my mortgage payments have gone down by 300 per month from feb I am going to out away some of that towards it and oh will do same. We still have cc debt from the school costs by believe you me she has had more than that in funds from us the last 10 years. At Xmas and Birthdays they have exactly the same.
I have told her I don't want either of them to come here at all and she knows what I think about it all.
As to the keep money I am going to tell her today when she comes home that 100 is what she has to pay plus 27 for money she had over Xmas.
I can't afford the deposit so she can't have any

rose28454

thunderbird wrote: »

from what you have said here (I don't know any more of your background) what stands out to me is your daughter showing signs of lack of security. If that is the case then pushing her away now will only exacerbate the problem.
Couldn't you work together to sort out the situation? Encourage her to settle her debts, sort out the situation with her fiance and then you will consider helping her with a deposit.

I was wondering what her relationship with her father is like now?

Her relationship with her father is weak although better than it was. She says he us selfish as he won't lend her money as his budget is tight too. But he is probably right not to.
As to helping her I have tried and tried for years but no matter what you do for her it never helps. She lived at fianc!e parents fôr year when she was 20 ( 6 years ago) cause of her fathers alcohol problems and that's when she got the eating disorder. The trouble is I can't always be her security blanket as she is not growing and never will at this rate.
As for her debts no matter what I say to help she never bothers. She is basically lazy and part of they is my fault .

rose28454

Mojisola wrote: »

rose - it took a lot of strength to sort out your life before. Don't let your daughter drag you back.

You're having to hide your belongings in your house to protect them from her! Doesn't that say it all?

She's got to go. She's got to stand and her own two feet and she's got to learn to deal with the the fall-out from her own actions.

Keep strong!

Yes it has been a long road and I had started the new year with good news about mortgage payments going dôwn by 350 per month and the chance of a new part time job. Yes quite sad about having to hide laptop but she does not respect anyone's things even her own. She is back later and I am going to tell her she needs to spend the 3 days I am away deciding which one she is going to live with as she needs to move out. Most of her clothes etc are still at fianc!'s as she is too lazy too move them. Very sad as mum' s caring thing is also causing me a lot of grief as I want to give up but can't escape

Teeniepops

Sorry to hear you're finding things so hard at the moment Rose. I really feel for you as you sound under an immense amount of stress and unsupported at times (though hopefully you have support in your family and friends too).

It sounds like she has a big chip on her shoulder. Yes, she had difficult times as a child but that gives her NO right to use it as a weapon. I faced a difficult time as a child and I was lucky enough to find it in me to use it to better my life as it spurred me on to create a life for myself that was secure and happy.

Not everyone can and it isn't a criticism to those who struggle. However, her struggles are of her own making now and nobody else's. She sounds very angry, bitter, jealous snd unappreciative in all honesty and if she carries on beating you up for the hard times without being thankful for what you have her (and still do) she needs a wake up call.

£100 a month is very fair - she's 26 for crying out loud. £25 a week! she ought to be counting her lucky stars.

As hard as it is, you may need to think to when she moves out and whether you can have her back again, ifit all goes belly up with this new man. No offence but if he is so amazing and Mr. Right she would have done the adult thing of being single before she went testing him out.

I feel sorry for both men as both sound in the dark. I feel for you too as you're now dealing with the fallout of her poor life choices.

Good on you for being a great Mum despite this. You've done a good job in raising them - your DS shows this.

Hope it's sorted soon x

Treevo

Kick her out.

rose28454

Treevo wrote: »

Kick her out.

That's what her dad said today when I spoke to him. I am going to tell her
A it's 100 keep
B she needs to tell both blokes what's going on
C she needs to be gone by end of the month.

She has a couple of friends locally she could live with. One is a young mum with a baby and the other lives in a flat in town . The 1st would be better as it is in the tiwn where she works and is not where I live.
Should I then take her key back aswell ?

Scrapaholic

From some of the things your DD does you'd think she is 16 not 26 !
You sound a bit like me , worrying over things that might or might not happen with your daughter . I know it's not easy to step back but try for your own sake . She has to learn to be responsible for her own actions and choices . Good luck .