Daughter causing me grief.

Mrs_Optimist

Gosh she is 26 ? I would have thought she was much younger by her behaviour.

OP you sound like a lovely, caring woman. Lots of people have bad starts in life and your OH alcoholism couldn't have been fun for any of you but that does not excuse your DD behaviour towards you. Nor should she use that as a stick to beat you with.

You are a wonderful daughter to care for your mum so pat yourself on the back for that.

You must try to seek help for your financial situation to see if there is any tweaks that can be made to free up your financial noose.

I would personally keep out of the boyfriend/lover scenrio but let your DD know in no uncertain terms that you do not want either of the men in your home whilst they are in the dark about her deviousness as this makes you complicit (albeit unintenionally) with your DD lies.

I would also lay it on the line to your DD that you want her out asap. She can either move back with fiance or her lover but either way it will free you from the stess of her life which you seem to be taking solely on your shoulders. It may even encourage her to make a decision about whom she wants to be with as she won't find it so easy to have a bit on the side if she moves back with her fiance.

rose28454

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

Gosh she is 26 ? I would have thought she was much younger by her behaviour.

OP you sound like a lovely, caring woman. Lots of people have bad starts in life and your OH alcoholism couldn't have been fun for any of you but that does not excuse your DD behaviour towards you. Nor should she use that as a stick to beat you with.

You are a wonderful daughter to care for your mum so pat yourself on the back for that.

You must try to seek help for your financial situation to see if there is any tweaks that can be made to free up your financial noose.

I would personally keep out of the boyfriend/lover scenrio but let your DD know in no uncertain terms that you do not want either of the men in your home whilst they are in the dark about her deviousness as this makes you complicit (albeit unintenionally) with your DD lies.

I would also lay it on the line to your DD that you want her out asap. She can either move back with fiance or her lover but either way it will free you from the stess of her life which you seem to be taking solely on your shoulders. It may even encourage her to make a decision about whom she wants to be with as she won't find it so easy to have a bit on the side if she moves back with her fiance.

Thanks for posting. Because I had such a bad day yesterday with the building society farce she is on her best behaviour today. She has done all her washing, tidied her room, took me and her father for coffee ( and paid ) and listened when I reminded her that I expect paying at the end of the month.
She went to blood doning last night with her fiance ( ex?) and registered to be a Bone Marrow Donor too. She then went back to his flat for t ( and to look for some Chanel earrings that belong to her ex friend who is hassling her for them - another story that is.
I tried to talk to her again about telling each of them the truth but it fell on deaf ears. She says no matter what happens she needs to be more independent and not rely on him or me all the time. We will see.
She knows I want her out asap and I did mention living with her friend again.
As regards my Mum my sis is going back to Switzerland on Tuesday so I am back in the frame then. Mum has been having a Carer come in every morning for a couple of months to wash and dress her ( although my Mum and sister insisted she was cancelled over Xmas for 2 weeks- which was a laugh as my sister upset my Aunt who had come to help them both -sister has a broken ankle- so my Aunt went back to my other Auntys on 23rd and me and my younger sister had to do the shopping and other things over Xmas) but has been gradually putting obstacles in the way to try to get rid of them coming. The 1st 2 weeks she let them give her a shower 3 or 4 times a week, dress her, make her bed, open the curtains and make her a cup of t. But gradually she has told them she had already washed when they come ( a lie) not let them open the curtains or make the bed. They also have not been using the key from the keybox as arraged but ringing the bell so she has to answer the door. When I said I would speak to them about it my Mother forbade me to do it. Anyway my sis called me to say the lady was late today ( I had suggested a 10.00 call time originally but Mum insisted on 10.30 and sometimes they are late) and to say they had a lovely chat with the carer about what they do for people. My sis then paused the conversation with me and spoke to Mum to ask her if she could tell me what the lady said. I went ballistic and said I am good enough to spend my life running around after people but too stupid to be told what she said. I managed to get my sister to tell me and she said the lady said they can make meals for people, do housework, do shopping or anything else people require. I said that knew that and had tried to get a care package for Mum that included breakfast and maybe a bit of hoovering now and then. No one seems to understand that having someone come in every morning takes the pressure off me and means at the weekend I dont have to go in until teatime and sometimes I have Sunday off as one of my brothers or my other sister has Mum for the day.
Next week I am going to scedule a meeting with the agencyto discuss expanding my Mum's care package. BTW she is on pension credit so does not pay for it either.
I have been trying to make the others understand I am nearly at the end of my tether with this whole situation. Sorry to ramble.
DD just gone out with her friends for evening and is staying at one of their houses tonight as she has a hair extension appt to go to tommorow ( her new business). So peaceful evening ( maybe a quick pop to our new Morrison for woopsies - usually everything is 9p about 7.30 to 8.00 p.m.and i can use an APG to pay)
Then a lovely me day tommorow on my own!!!
Regarding the mortgage my brother is looking at the figures so i am going to call him tommorow to see what he has come up with. Also my youger sister has said she could lend me some money to pay off some of the mortgage and I could pay her back as and when I do jobs for her. She has a very successfull company and I work for her now and then when she has a big job. ( She did the catering for the concert for the Queens Diamond jubilee last year so i did a month in Green Park with her and 25 others for it)

dancingfairy

I think you need to start trying to put yourself first. It sounds like other people are taking advantage of your good nature
Your daughter clearly needs to shape up or leave and whilst it would be nice for the blokes to find out about each other (I mean they need to know) whilst your daughter is living under your roof then if things go pear shaped then you run the risk of your daughter taking it out on you I would however point out to her that neither is welcome in your home in the meantime until she has sorted her mess out.
With regards to the family I think you need to ideally sit down with them and explain just how bad this situation is making you feel. That you love your mum dearly but can't be coping with going in every day (or whatever you are doing now) and that you expect them to either buck their ideas up and chip in (so you are not left with everything) or that you will be engaging a carer to do more hours (and that's that). You need to make it clear to your mum as well that basically you can't cope and that whilst you don't mind helping herout with some of the jobs you'd rather be there to spend quality time with her (not running yourself ragged). She needs to understand that you are doing your best for her and trying to keep her in her own home (otherwise she may have to go to a care home I appreciate it's early days yet and this is not likely to happen soon but she has to start engaing with the carers ).
df

rose28454

dancingfairy wrote: »

I think you need to start trying to put yourself first. It sounds like other people are taking advantage of your good nature
Your daughter clearly needs to shape up or leave and whilst it would be nice for the blokes to find out about each other (I mean they need to know) whilst your daughter is living under your roof then if things go pear shaped then you run the risk of your daughter taking it out on you I would however point out to her that neither is welcome in your home in the meantime until she has sorted her mess out.
With regards to the family I think you need to ideally sit down with them and explain just how bad this situation is making you feel. That you love your mum dearly but can't be coping with going in every day (or whatever you are doing now) and that you expect them to either buck their ideas up and chip in (so you are not left with everything) or that you will be engaging a carer to do more hours (and that's that). You need to make it clear to your mum as well that basically you can't cope and that whilst you don't mind helping herout with some of the jobs you'd rather be there to spend quality time with her (not running yourself ragged). She needs to understand that you are doing your best for her and trying to keep her in her own home (otherwise she may have to go to a care home I appreciate it's early days yet and this is not likely to happen soon but she has to start engaing with the carers ).
df

I have already dd that neither of them are to be invited here as I dont approve of the set up.
As to my Mum I have been looking after Mum and Dad for 2 years now and it is a thankless task. My Mum does not do thanks you and thinks nothing of expecting me to go there 4 times a day. However once I have adjusting the carers duties I intend to go there at lunchtime and possible t-time. I will have to be there a bit more in about 14 days when the new windows and electric work is done and hopefully Mum will go to my other sister for a few days then. Mum cant understand we are trying to keep her in her home and that she has to give way on some things
As to my brothers and sisters they dont listen when I say its too much for me.

rose28454

rose28454 wrote: »

I have already dd that neither of them are to be invited here as I dont approve of the set up.
As to my Mum I have been looking after Mum and Dad for 2 years now and it is a thankless task. My Mum does not do thanks you and thinks nothing of expecting me to go there 4 times a day. However once I have adjusting the carers duties I intend to go there at lunchtime and possible t-time. I will have to be there a bit more in about 14 days when the new windows and electric work is done and hopefully Mum will go to my other sister for a few days then. Mum cant understand we are trying to keep her in her home and that she has to give way on some things
As to my brothers and sisters they dont listen when I say its too much for me.

Well nearly a week gone by with some ups and downs. My sister went back on Tuesday so I took over again. Mum was co operative and I think was quite pleased it was peaceful again. My sister causes a lot of mayhem when she comes home. Anyway the day after she left my Aunt called and said she was coming down on Thursday for a while. Most of her things are at Mums from when she left her flat so we know she would probably come once my sister went home. So she has been looking after mum and I have been doing the shopping as we had a lot of snow yesterday. Dont know how long she will stay but Mum is pleased and pressure is off for me.
Re dd she was sent home on Monday with the flu and was supposed to go back yesterday but they closed the office cause of the snow. She went this morning and I took her as my car has snow tyres and then she went to other chap's house till tommorow. He did pop in to see her in the week cause he was working in the area but i was out.
She spoke to fiance this week and saw him to pick up post. He told his parents and brother yesterday and the brother texted dd to say she was still welcome in their house and the children would love to see her. They are 4 and 2 and are very attached to my DD.
I reminded her that I need to be paid on payday and she owes me about £40.00 from Xmas. I told her i am serious about the money thing and while she is still living here she pays.
I am beginning to think this chap is playing her as he never takes her out and only sees her once or twice a week. I know in my heart of hearts she is making a mistake and although I should not say it my heart breaks for her fiance.
God knows what will happen if and when he finds out about the other one. She told me her friend who she used to visit in that town , and who i now know to be her alibi, hates the new chap and I wonder if she knows something my DD doesnt.
I really need to concentrate on sorting out my mortgage and helping DS with wedding plans but cause of all this I can concentrate.
Also my other sister is being with funny with me for some reason. Anyway I am enjoying a quiet evening with the telly and internet and hope she does not cause any drama this week.

rose28454

Well an update is due.She has been seeing the new guy a couple of times a week. However it seems to be always at his and on his terms. Anyway she has been a bit unsure about where it will go amd has still been seeing her ex fiance for coffee. Anyway she asked me last week if her friend who has lost her flat could stay for a couple of days. As i know her mother and they live 4 hours away I agreed. She stayed 4 nights and was not too much bother. But she left this morning and sent a text to a mutual friend of theirs and my DD got a couple of nasty texts about something she has supposed to have said. So she was really down. Then she spoke to me at t.time to say the new chap was unsure abut whether their relationship has a future. He then switched off his phone. she then told me that 2 weeks ago she went out for a Saturday night with her friends and arranged to go to his afterwards. He also went out with his friends. He spoke to her during the evening but when she got there at 2.00a.m.he was not back, she did not have a key and hs phone was off. So stupidly , even though she had 3 drinks , she drove to her friends about 25 miles away and stayed there the night.
He surfaced in the morning and said he stayed at a friends.
I told her off for driving, as her Dad would have gone and got her, and said I though he did not care that much about her to do that.
Anyway she cried and told me she realises she is making a mistake and is going to finish it when he calls her. I said no matter what happens with him or the other one she needs to have some time out to herself. She is talking to the other one now.
She also gave me her keep and the money she owed me and asked me if whist she is still her if I will keep her debit card and she will just take cash to work for lunch etc.
We will see what happens and I know I am a soft touch.

meritaten

rose - hopefully she is starting to 'see the light' about this new guy and maybe, just maybe, starting to 'grow up'. yes, you are a soft touch but most caring parents are! just watch carefully and the minute you think you are being 'played' too - then she is out! make that plain to her.
She sounds so silly and irresponsible - driving when having had a drink!
I bet you despair of her. just do not 'enable' her and let her take the consequences of her actions!

rose28454

meritaten wrote: »

rose - hopefully she is starting to 'see the light' about this new guy and maybe, just maybe, starting to 'grow up'. yes, you are a soft touch but most caring parents are! just watch carefully and the minute you think you are being 'played' too - then she is out! make that plain to her.
She sounds so silly and irresponsible - driving when having had a drink!
I bet you despair of her. just do not 'enable' her and let her take the consequences of her actions!

Yes under it all I am her mother and do care for her. She just came down ans said she has finished it with the other one. She says she will see what transpires with her ex. I did tell her if she even thinks of getting back with her ex she must tell him what went on or they have no basis for a future. I have a book by my bed about enabling so will read a chapter before bed tonight.

Mojisola

rose28454 wrote: »

Yes under it all I am her mother and do care for her. She just came down ans said she has finished it with the other one. She says she will see what transpires with her ex. I did tell her if she even thinks of getting back with her ex she must tell him what went on or they have no basis for a future. I have a book by my bed about enabling so will read a chapter before bed tonight.

You are coping well with some very difficult people at the moment! You must sometimes feel like the one stable person in the middle of a cluster of really mixed-up people but just look how your strength and common sense is rubbing off on your daughter.

rose28454

Mojisola wrote: »

You are coping well with some very difficult people at the moment! You must sometimes feel like the one stable person in the middle of a cluster of really mixed-up people but just look how your strength and common sense is rubbing off on your daughter.

Thanks a lot. I left my phone off all afternoon and boy did it annoy my sis. She rang at t time and apologised and said she will of course have Mum till Thursday ( till she changes her mind tommorow!!). I will at least go to bed feeling some releif that maybe DD is back on track. Yes I am strong but my life since 17 has been one long battle and I feel I am nearly in control of my own destiny. She was upset but almost relieved she said. She had felt that if she stayed with this new bloke she would always be on edge and wondering if he was really with her or not.