Daughter causing me grief.

rose28454

Molly41 wrote: »

If she is on anti-depressants she may well be very tired and need a sleep in the afternoon- I know I do! Also her sleep pattern may not be good at night.

She is on a high dosage of anti depressants and the doctors had suggested reducing the dose down after a year but when I suggested the sleeping may because of the tablets she jumped down my throat and accused me of not taking her illness seriously. Well as it has dominated the last year of my life and more I sure do. She also gets stomach pains often and has no libido but wont talk to the doctor about it. Too lazy to sort anything out and its mainly my problem for letting her be like that . When she took them at a lower dose the sleeping was not a problem. Also she sleeps 10-12 hours every night. She has a thyroid problem too but it is under control. I just think sleeping a lot is not giving her much motivation to get on with life. You may think i sound like a !!!!! but you dont know my daughter and the way she manipulates me.

BitterAndTwisted

But part of the issue is that you do know your daughter and the way she manipulates you and yet you let it go on. And on.

I fear you will never have your daughter out from under your feet. That she will continue to manipulate you and get what she wants regardless of the impact on you until you are in old age. What then? You support her from your your pension while she plays the invalid and fills your house up with animals you don't want? She's nearly THIRTY for goodness sake!

Put a plan together and give her a sensible deadline. If she has to go into a supported environment then so be it.

meritaten

Rose love, I cant help noticing that every time one of us points out just how you are being manipulated, you jump to DDs defence? is this just a case of I am family so I can say it but you outsiders can't? or has she got you so well 'conditioned' you immediately come out with one of her 'excuses' for her behaviour.
I also can't help observing that just about every time you post and seem to be getting your act together - she becomes 'Miss Sweetness and Light'. She is reading all this!
Now we can't wave a magic wand and modify her behaviour. we cant give you a solution - you KNOW the solution and it really is down to you to make her independent of you. perhaps YOU are the one not ready to let go of her to make her own mistakes?
I don't want to sound harsh because I think you are living in hell as it is - and I really really want to help you. But, it is your life you are sacrificing here. think really hard how you are going to cope in the future while she is under your roof.

rose28454

Well times has moved on and in May dd and bf found a house to buy and he got a buyer for his flat. But the whole exchange and completion is now delayed till early October and she has started getting cold feet. She has been having a problem with her eating for a couple of months and is quite slim now. She went to the dr 2 weeks ago and talked to him about feeling stressed ( which most people get when buying a house) and he has referred her to the mental health team again. She says she is depressed but I know I am not a dr but she seems to just be using it as an excuse to stall moving out. Last week the buyer of the flat wanted to exchange and complete by this week and I had said I did not mind bf moving in until new house was bought. But when the date was going to be this week she went into major meltdown and said she did not want him here to make her feel trapped. Her new counsellor told her to tell him he could not move in. however over the weekend the flat sale stalled and dates are now unsure again. I know it seems mad letting him stay but I can honestly say i wish he was my child as he is lovely. So dad and I had a major row with her Thursday before we went away for 4 days working as we both said she should either live with him or let him go. All was quiet while we were away as she was working and she stayed with him over weekend. But when we got back on Sunday she was moaning about him again. She reads her horoscope in any paper she can find and thinks its all true. Now last night she was texting bf and talking about going travelling ( jokingly apparently) instead of moving in and he text back that he did not want to hold her back. I could not believe it. She is playing him like shes playing me.
She kind of tidied up while we were away but I was off work yesterday and did the rest myself. I am at the end of my tether again. Just read Robin Williams killed himself ( supposedly ) so that will mean a day of comparing herself to him.
Regarding her debts I negotiated with her main creditor ( who she owes £4000.00 for a breast reduction ) and she is waiting to see if they will accept £675 in F&F settlement. However she has just had a £120.00 tattoo and still pays no keep.
I did a lot of thinking over weekend and worked out she can pay at least £30.00 per week as she gets £120.00 pw sick pay and £60.00 from her part time job, she can put all her clothes in her room and all the dogs things, can stop sleeping all day and can remove all her junk from the lounge. So question is shall I write her an email or sit her down this evening and tell her my plans. I know she will kick off and say I dont care and she is ill but its about time I faced up to the fact that a lot of this is my fault.

Pollycat

rose28454 wrote: »

I did a lot of thinking over weekend and worked out she can pay at least £30.00 per week as she gets £120.00 pw sick pay and £60.00 from her part time job, she can put all her clothes in her room and all the dogs things, can stop sleeping all day and can remove all her junk from the lounge. So question is shall I write her an email or sit her down this evening and tell her my plans. I know she will kick off and say I dont care and she is ill but its about time I faced up to the fact that a lot of this is my fault.

WOW, Rose - your daughter is certainly putting you through the mill, isn't she!

I wouldn't email her, I'd talk to her face-to-face.

I'd start by telling her that is she does kick off, she'll be out on her ear, together with all her debts, troubles and dog with no further discussion.

You have let this woman walk all over you.
Don't you think it's time she faced up to life in the real world?

Good luck.

Georgiegirl256

I'm sorry to hear this is still going on

Definetly talk to her face to face rather than email. Good luck, I hope it all goes well for you.

Also, OMG about Robin Williams!!

Ewer123

Hello,

This sounds a little bit like me when I was younger (17-19), I was horrendous, it's hard to separate out what is the depression and what is personality. ( For me this made me feel worse and shut down further ) so maybe tread carefully, but I was angry for many reasons.

Does your daughter do any thing physical activity? I found being outside and active very useful, I think having a puppy is great, (she will be forced to take responsibility for it) if you stop and maybe this will help.

hope hearing from the other side helps

rose28454

Ewer123 wrote: »

Hello,

This sounds a little bit like me when I was younger (17-19), I was horrendous, it's hard to separate out what is the depression and what is personality. ( For me this made me feel worse and shut down further ) so maybe tread carefully, but I was angry for many reasons.

Does your daughter do any thing physical activity? I found being outside and active very useful, I think having a puppy is great, (she will be forced to take responsibility for it) if you stop and maybe this will help.

hope hearing from the other side helps

This has been going on on and off since she was 20 with the eating disorder and depression. I know from my sister who also has an eating problem that it is somewhat of a control issue as when her husband had a stroke she went back to it and still has a problem 10 years later. I myself did something similar by doing a drastic diet last year and losing 3.5 stone which was obviiusly my way of coping with the turmoil I had to deal with.
Yes she has just joined the gym and does walk her dog sometimes although her dad usually does it for her or her bf (who had the dog a few times last week.)
I think her worry with the new house is that she does not want to take responsibility for her life so its easier to say she is depressed. I tried to talk to her about it last week and said many times in the last 20 years with an alcoholic husband and severe money problems I had down days but I still worked and held mine and my families lives together. She just text me and said she has tidied up and that the reason I feel down is the pressure of still being responsible for my mother ( she had a fall late last night and I had to go out) but even though that is a burden its not the problem .
She started at the gym last week which is something.
How is your health now?

Horseunderwater

Get key & change locks too.

Gingernutty

This thread started off as your DD living with her boyfriend/fianc!.

Why are you paying for any part of her lifestyle? Tattoos? Breast reductions? WTH?

She sounds extremely childish. She doesn't seem to have taken responsibility for anything. You've helped to enable that.

Buying and moving into a new home is a huge adult step and it sounds like she's retreating into behaviour patterns that she's familiar with.

She has to move out. Of your home and your life. She has her boyfriend/fianc! and a job.