Daughter causing me grief.

determined_new_ms

rose28454 wrote: »

I just knew somebody from the wonderful MSE owuld be along shortly with advice. When we had the row I told her she had a couple of months to find somewhere else to live. She is 26 and thinks life owes her something. Yes Dad was an alcoholic so there were some bad times when she was a child but there were also a lot of good ones. She insists on harping on about her terrible childhood and I keep telling her that she has to move on and build a life for herself. Her fiance would like to be married by now but she kept putting it off and even had an abortion 18 months ago when she got pregnant by accident ( by fiance). Now she says it was a mistake and that it was my fault because I did not stop her. I do love her but a lot of the time I dont like her as she spends all her money on clothes and make up. She was a plumpish teenager and was teased at at school and has blossomed into a striking adult but is obsessed with fake tan, fake hair and clothes. i try to tell her she is beautiful as she is but she feels she has to prove something.
I am at my wits end already since early December and am not sleeping well as it is in my head all the time.
I am away with my sister for 3 days to Lisbon at the weekend so will speak to her about it before I go and give her time to make plans. I feel really sorry for Fiance cause she has treated him like a mug and even let him put £30.00 of petrol in her car ( that belongs to him) for her birthday last week that she uses t vsit the other one.
I never though I would say i was ashamed of her but I am

Hi rose. I haven't read any further than the first few messages but wanted to respond to your message as I can relate to a lot of it. I have a daughter who I have struggled with, have worried about and who has manipulated me. I am trying to learn to take care of myself and my actions now.

I recently started going to CoDA - to deal with codependency issues (google it). I totally relate when you said you're not sleeping because you are worrying. I also am going to Al anon. What I have learnt is to focus on myself and look after myself. I'm not out of the woods but am beginning to put my boundaries down and insist I am treated with respect. If I am not I can withdraw. In my case I have finally said to my daughter she can not live with us as we can't take some of her behaviours and the impact it has on my life.

I am not responsible for her actions and choices, and neither are you. If she had a difficult childhood then she has to come to terms with her PAST, as do you. It is not the reason why she is doing the things she is NOW. I have found the guilt I feel for the past has stopped me parenting now.

By going to Al anon I have started to take care of myself and my actions, interactions & behaviours. I have withdrawn myself from the guilt, doubt, emotional bs. I read a quote one day when I was in the grip of fear, worry & anxiety for my dd which said something along the lines of: "when you hear about a crisis in a loved ones life.... when you have done everything you can for that person. Then it is time to look after yourself. Have a bath, have sme nutritious food, call a friend for a nice conversation"

I took great comfort in this. When my dd asks me for something I can think about it and make a decision. Sometimes I can help, sometimes I can't and sometimes I won't for a variety of reasons, which I don't have to justify. And then I can focus on myself happy I have done all I can or am prepared to do.

The hope is in the end if I change, she may. She may not but at least I will have and will have built a life for myself x

determined_new_ms

Gosh and another thing! I have spent years feeling so guilty for every poor choice, lost opportunity or just dow right appalling behaviour and I've also been so "oh but she's having a hard time" or "if I hadn't had had a breakdown when she was 11" or "if I hadn't been so angry with her and shouted at her" - tell me who wouldn't shout and be angry to find your bank account has been cleared out for the 20th time, or you've woke up and she has disappeared and not come back for years - and as much as I love her she has manipulated this guilt in me

My other half gives me a reality check - so for every poor/bad/appalling choice she makes/situation she gets into its my fault for being a bad parent but all of her good qualities, choices she is responsible for.

Its bs they have to take responsibility for themselves. We have to stop moping up all their mistakes

rose28454

meritaten wrote: »

rose - hopefully she is starting to 'see the light' about this new guy and maybe, just maybe, starting to 'grow up'. yes, you are a soft touch but most caring parents are! just watch carefully and the minute you think you are being 'played' too - then she is out! make that plain to her.
She sounds so silly and irresponsible - driving when having had a drink!
I bet you despair of her. just do not 'enable' her and let her take the consequences of her actions!

Well we are at day 4 without this other chap being in the picture. Other than for work Wednesday and Today DD has given me her mobile to keep so she cant use it. She does not want any contact with the boyfriend or her friend who stayed earlier in the week. She has deleted her twitter and Facebook. She has been using the laptop tonight but has asked me to not let her use that either. She just gave me a hug and thanked me for looking after her. Tommorow she has a friend coming ( one of her real friends ) who she is fitting hair extensions for and then she is coming to cinema with her Dad and I to see Les Mis. She will find out on Monday when she is being made full time at work. Her big boss was in the office this week and told her she did really well. So things are looking better.

meritaten

pleased to hear this rose! even when we want to slap them we still love them (our kids I mean). hopefully, you are now all on the right track and things will improve. I reallly hope so!

Margaret54

Hi Rose I have been reading your posts and wanted to give you a big hug. Bless your heart, you really have had a tough time of it. I just wanted to pop on here and say I hope everything works out for you and you sound a lovely warm caring lady. I too have been there with great stress, sleepless nights, lots of tears feeling my poor head would explode with the pressure(due to behaviour of some of my adult children) and only for my dh I would have gone mad. Take good care of YOU and I wish you well Margaretxx

rose28454

Margaret54 wrote: »

Hi Rose I have been reading your posts and wanted to give you a big hug. Bless your heart, you really have had a tough time of it. I just wanted to pop on here and say I hope everything works out for you and you sound a lovely warm caring lady. I too have been there with great stress, sleepless nights, lots of tears feeling my poor head would explode with the pressure(due to behaviour of some of my adult children) and only for my dh I would have gone mad. Take good care of YOU and I wish you well Margaretxx

Thanks for thinking if me. Yes hopefully we are going the right way now. Quiet weekend planned

rose28454

I am resurrecting my thread for some more advice. And what a year I have had. DD started the full time job and seemed ok but one day after staying at bf for the night saw the other chap outside working. He refused to talk to her and she apparently spent the day phoning him and even went out of work for an hour ( said we had a family emergency). Well next day she came home from work upset as her boss was screwing her over about wages. Whilst OH and I went out for a coffee she took a massive overdose. OH and bf came and bf had to go in ambulance as I could not cope. She was in hospital for 17 hours and has been under doctor and on anti depressants ever since. It was hard but we all helped her through it and a month later when I found out the other one was in touch again I basically intervened and told him to leave her alone ( this was with her agreement).
She has just finished 16 weeks of intensive therapy ( which is hard on me as most of it seems to imply its all my fault ). She has been getting on well with bf and there has been talk of buying a house together. Last week oh her and I went on holiday to Italy together and she even spoke about starting to wear her engagement ring again. Its bf's 30th this week and as he spent last years birthday at her side in hospital she has gone to great lengths to make it special for him.
But yesterday she started with the whole I am not sure thing again. She says he is snappy with her all the time. I suggested maybe he has found out what went on last year and she immediately accuses me of siding with him. She is 28 on long term sick, spends all her money on clothes, pays no keep, is lazy ( having an afternoon sleep as usual), has a puppy that I am expected to look after, and treats bf and me like mugs.
I just told her to make her mind up what she wants and start her life. I promised I would try to be supportive this week as it is just a year since the suicide attempt but she is testing my patience. She also had a miscarriage in June when she was 6 weeks pregnant and since then although she lives with bf half the week they do not sleep together. I had got the impression that it was her decision but she now says he does not try. I know he is not my son but I feel she has treated him badly and although he has not said he knows about the other I wonder if he has found out and this is why he is so grouchy. She actually saw the other one a few weeks ago for the 1st time in 10 months and did speak to him about what a !!!!!!! he was to her but I dont think anything happened.
I am ashamed to have to write on here after more than a year that I find myself in the same position again.

meritaten

oh dear Rose, my heart does go out to you.
Things sound even worse now than they were before.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I cant help feeling youre being played in a big way. from the suicide attempt right up to now. maybe I am too cynical, but to attempt suicide when you and OH have only gone out for coffee says to me she expected to be found 'in time'. what a great way to play on your guilt and 'bring you to heel'. because you were standing your ground and getting tougher.
now she is really taking the P! not paying her way (bet she doesn't pay the pups way either and I can guess who 'looks after it'. and then in intensive therapy she gets to play the 'its all mums fault' card. and you are falling for it AGAIN.
I am going to shout this, so prepare yourself..........SHE IS 28 YEARS OLD AND RESPONSIBLE FOR HER OWN ACTIONS!
Its not down to you - it never has been. you are a loving and caring mum - if you weren't she would have been kicked out long ago!
your love for your DD shines through your posts - I can understand that - what I cant understand is why you are letting her get away with this emotional blackmail. because that is what is happening here.
Rose - its hard to hear what outsiders think, especially as I don't think well of your DD. But, I do think well of YOU, and I am worried about you. how long can you take this? can you take it til she is 40 or 50 and you are a little old lady who is treated like a slave and you are penniless because the madam has had it all?
it isn't a nice picture is it? but, only YOU can change this picture. let her be responsible for herself. I am not saying wash your hands of her - but for goodness sake get her out of your house and independent of you.

rose28454

meritaten wrote: »

oh dear Rose, my heart does go out to you.
Things sound even worse now than they were before.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I cant help feeling youre being played in a big way. from the suicide attempt right up to now. maybe I am too cynical, but to attempt suicide when you and OH have only gone out for coffee says to me she expected to be found 'in time'. what a great way to play on your guilt and 'bring you to heel'. because you were standing your ground and getting tougher.
now she is really taking the P! not paying her way (bet she doesn't pay the pups way either and I can guess who 'looks after it'. and then in intensive therapy she gets to play the 'its all mums fault' card. and you are falling for it AGAIN.
I am going to shout this, so prepare yourself..........SHE IS 28 YEARS OLD AND RESPONSIBLE FOR HER OWN ACTIONS!
Its not down to you - it never has been. you are a loving and caring mum - if you weren't she would have been kicked out long ago!
your love for your DD shines through your posts - I can understand that - what I cant understand is why you are letting her get away with this emotional blackmail. because that is what is happening here.
Rose - its hard to hear what outsiders think, especially as I don't think well of your DD. But, I do think well of YOU, and I am worried about you. how long can you take this? can you take it til she is 40 or 50 and you are a little old lady who is treated like a slave and you are penniless because the madam has had it all?
it isn't a nice picture is it? but, only YOU can change this picture. let her be responsible for herself. I am not saying wash your hands of her - but for goodness sake get her out of your house and independent of you.

Thanks for you reply. Firstly I am not sure she wanted to be found ( she took 90 tablets of 3 different kinds). Anyway regarding the dog the only thing I helped with was £20.00 towards its bed and that was part of her bday present. I do look after it occasionally but only if it suits me and I often say no. We went for a walk this afternoon and I had a long chat with her and told her if she wants to finish the relationship then make up her mind and do it. I also said she needs to get her life started and she replied and said it has. She missed the point. I just told her to make her mind and not discuss it with me as I am not interested. Will get this week out of the way and discuss money as a starting point on Monday. The remark about being an old penniless lady has scared me a little and reminds me that my brother did the same to my parents as Mum is 87 with a £60000.00 mortgage left. Will see how the next week goes and will update the thread then. She has been all sweetness and light this evening and has been really nice to her Dad and I. Quelle surprise!!

Molly41

If she is on anti-depressants she may well be very tired and need a sleep in the afternoon- I know I do! Also her sleep pattern may not be good at night.