Daughter causing me grief.

rose28454

I had a long running thread detailing my life since 2007 which a few on here subscribe to but I closed it ate last year as some family members found it.
So I thought i might post again for some advice. I have 2 adult children ( a son who lives away) and a daughter. My daughter has been living with her fiance for about 18 months in the next town. he is a lovely hardworking chap who loves her dearly. However she seems hell bent on ruining her life and relationship by hanging around with some younger girls.
She was friends with them for about 3 years and one in particular( a spoilt little brat) caused all sorts of trouble and finally my DD wised up to her on a holiday in June when this girl was really nasty to her.
Anyway daughter has been asking to come back and live with me for some months saying she was bored with fiance and that she could not live where these girls are.
I have been on my own for nearly 5 years as oh left in Feb 2008 when I asked him to go cause of his alcoholism. Fair play to him he sorted himself out and has been sober 5 years next month and we are now good friends. I am full time carer for my Mum and on the whole have had a tough couple of years.
So early in December I weakened and let her come back and after a couple of weeks i found out the true reason. She has been seeing another chap on and off for 9 months. She cried when she told me and said that she was sorry as she did not want to hurt the other one but felt this one was for her. I stupidly let her bring him to meet me but I was uncomfortable with it all as she then invited fiance for Xmas Day. I felt i could not refuse as I really want her to try to save her engagment. Now it appears she is keeping them both on a string, the fiance in case the other one does not work and the new one thinks the fiance is gone.
She has a part time job and has started a new hairdressing business on the side but she is basically work shy and has had about 6 jobs in the last 6 years. Only one was full time and she gave that up after 9 months.
I am just about holding my head above water financially and I cant let her sponge off me again. I said she could have a free month for December but needs to pay me keep from January. She earns about £150.00 per week before tax and only has to run her car and pay a phone bill from that. She does have some debts- a NW bank overdraft that she is paying at £10.00 per month and a loan for study that she is ignoring. She paid very little when living with fiance but i cant support her. I was thinking of charging her £100.00 per month and she buys her own food mostly. Is that reasonable?
I have already had a massive row with her this week as i am disappointed with her behaviour and she told me she wants to move away to a town about 25 miles away where this chap lives as soon as she can. Firstly she will need a full time job as i told her but she thinks I should cough up for a deposit on a flat or room for her. my finances are stretched and my son is getting married in September and oh and I have said we will help.
Am I being a !!!!! not wanting to help her ?

whitewing

I think you should chuck her out. She is treating everyone very badly. If she is old enough to sleep around then she is old enough to reap the consequences. You can still love her but dislike and not support her lifestyle choices.

elsien

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Whether she likes it or not.
She's an adult, she should be saving up for her own deposit. All the rest is neither here nor there.

However you've probably got a touch of the green-eyed monsters going on if you're helping son with his wedding. Perhaps she thinks there's a bit of favouritism going on - is she "the difficult one" and your son "the sensible one". As that could be colouring perspectives a bit from all angles.
Is it that you can't afford to help, don't want to, or a bit of both? Sorting out in your own head the reasons might help you to explain to her why you're saying no at the moment. And to stick to it if that's what you need to do.

meritaten

tbh - she is taking the P!
she has made you complicit in her deceit of these men, she doesnt pull her wieght and now she expects you to cough up for a deposit for a flat?
she is your dd and you love her - but its time for some tough love I think otherwise she is never going to 'grow up'!
I would have to say that she never ever brings boyfriend(s) home - or you may 'slip up' and drop her in it!
she pays for her food at least!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she looks for her own place and SHE is responsible for the deposit - not you. you wont be living there will you?
time she grew up hun - and if you keep cushioning her life she wont!

marleyboy

You have and are helping, she just cannot see it. I would draw the line at deposits though, either she or her BF (or both) can deal with that issue. Its her life to do with how she pleases, but not at your expense.

rose28454

whitewing wrote: »

I think you should chuck her out. She is treating everyone very badly. If she is old enough to sleep around then she is old enough to reap the consequences. You can still love her but dislike and not support her lifestyle choices.

I just knew somebody from the wonderful MSE owuld be along shortly with advice. When we had the row I told her she had a couple of months to find somewhere else to live. She is 26 and thinks life owes her something. Yes Dad was an alcoholic so there were some bad times when she was a child but there were also a lot of good ones. She insists on harping on about her terrible childhood and I keep telling her that she has to move on and build a life for herself. Her fiance would like to be married by now but she kept putting it off and even had an abortion 18 months ago when she got pregnant by accident ( by fiance). Now she says it was a mistake and that it was my fault because I did not stop her. I do love her but a lot of the time I dont like her as she spends all her money on clothes and make up. She was a plumpish teenager and was teased at at school and has blossomed into a striking adult but is obsessed with fake tan, fake hair and clothes. i try to tell her she is beautiful as she is but she feels she has to prove something.
I am at my wits end already since early December and am not sleeping well as it is in my head all the time.
I am away with my sister for 3 days to Lisbon at the weekend so will speak to her about it before I go and give her time to make plans. I feel really sorry for Fiance cause she has treated him like a mug and even let him put £30.00 of petrol in her car ( that belongs to him) for her birthday last week that she uses t vsit the other one.
I never though I would say i was ashamed of her but I am

rose28454

elsien wrote: »

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Whether she likes it or not.
She's an adult, she should be saving up for her own deposit. All the rest is neither here nor there.

However you've probably got a touch of the green-eyed monsters going on if you're helping son with his wedding. Perhaps she thinks there's a bit of favouritism going on - is she "the difficult one" and your son "the sensible one". As that could be colouring perspectives a bit from all angles.
Is it that you can't afford to help, don't want to, or a bit of both? Sorting out in your own head the reasons might help you to explain to her why you're saying no at the moment. And to stick to it if that's what you need to do.

There is a degree of jealousy as DS went to private school as he got a scholarship and has a good job in London. She uses that as a stick to regulary beat her Dad and I even though we had to pay some of his education she has more than had her share financially what with 2 cars, help with an online degree ( that she failed - through not working ) and money for lots of other things.
I have very little in the way of funds, a limited income due to the caring ( although just applied for a pt job) but I am also loath to help as she is ungrateful and just expects it. For instance she organise with her Dad and brother ot give me £150.00 at Xmas to replace my IPhone and then last week it was her birthday so i gave her a £20.00 bottle of perfume, £20.00 cash and gave her some money towards a meal with friends. However she had a girlfriend here on her birthday morning and the look when she opened her card and there was only £20.00 was priceless. I tackled her about it and she spouted a speech about the IPhone money .

rose28454

meritaten wrote: »

tbh - she is taking the P!
she has made you complicit in her deceit of these men, she doesnt pull her wieght and now she expects you to cough up for a deposit for a flat?
she is your dd and you love her - but its time for some tough love I think otherwise she is never going to 'grow up'!
I would have to say that she never ever brings boyfriend(s) home - or you may 'slip up' and drop her in it!
she pays for her food at least!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she looks for her own place and SHE is responsible for the deposit - not you. you wont be living there will you?
time she grew up hun - and if you keep cushioning her life she wont!

I have told her I dont want the new bf in my house at all and it if last then she will have to have told the fiance it is really over before I let her bring him here. She does not eat meat so on the whole she feeds herself. She says she does not want to be here so maybe I should tell her to go back to the fiance for now until she is ready to move on. The new one suffers from OCD and my daughter had aneroxia some years ago and I already told her I dont think that is a good combination. OH thinks I should get tough on her aswell.

Also for Xmas my sister gave me a Macbook Pro and I have to hide it when I go out to stop her using it. Every thing she has of value she either loses or breaks including her laptop. I am off to bed now as Mum had a fall last night and sis called me at 5.15.am from the hospital so I had a bad night. Mum is ok today.

Miss_Havisham

At the age of 26 she is old enough to recognise her bad behaviour and know how to act properly. The fact that she doesn't do this shows (IMO) that she doesn't want to, that she likes her life style and doesn't care who she hurts with it, not even her parents.

I would tell her to move out ASAP and not give her any money at all. I'm sure if she gets married one day you and your ex would help finance it just as you are with your son. Sounds like she's squandered opportunities you have given her to make a start in her working life. She herself has to make the decision to change and follow it through. OR she could decide not to change.

Either way to be honest I don't think there's anything you could say or do to make her change.

I'm so sorry, you sound really miserable and I don't know what to say to make you feel better.

Miss H xx

bangersnmash

Difficult. I'm sorry to hear that you've got all this to have to try to contend with.

What jumps out at me is that she's in the habit of major league deceit and lying and totally using two blokes shamelessly - and getting away with it.

So that reminds me of some of the hardcore bent liars who I've come up against over the years and just how selfish and destructive some of those types are.

I never trust anything that known habitual liars say so in your position I wouldn't believe anything she says unless it can be checked and verified elsewhere somehow.

So, what to do. Well, you can either continue to go along with and collude with and facilitate this immoral negative behaviour or you can call a halt to it. Or just get rid of her and try to keep yourself out of it, if you can.

It's her game so maybe it would be better in the long run if you don't intrude or intervene. It's not really your business despite her making it your business.

Except that there she is blaming you for the abortion. She wants to have her cake and eat it - do anything she likes but then later try to blame other people. Oh yeah, pull the other one, it's got bells on. So you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Great, aren't you the lucky one. That's not fair, just blame Mum, whatever she does and whatever you do. Gawd, it gets worse the more I think about this.

Um, what else. Sorry, can't think of anything constructive. She sounds awful - and riding for a fall, possibly a big one as well, if it comes out and then if one or both of the blokes react badly. Oh dear. I wouldn't want to be involved if and when that happens.

Worse case, sometimes that kind of stuff can be serious, as in very serious, playing with fire. Some OCD people can be quite intense about some things, can't they. Like getting badly ripped off emotionally - and maybe even having their lives ruined, if it affects them badly. And the original bloke, having someone you thought you wanted to marry treat you like that, secretly for a long time, is heavy, isn't it. That's really bad, that's not just lightweight, that's potentially life changing.

Though, having said all that, not necessarily, it might all just chug along and eventually sort itself out in one way or another, without much of a fuss or even any. The blokes might just take it in their stride if and when it comes out. Or perhaps it won't come out. Or if it does, some people are robust enough to take a punch in the gob and a kick in the crotch without flinching. That's just life, sometimes you're unlucky and get a wrong'un like your lovely daughter.

I wonder how long she might want to carry on hedging her bets for in that manner. Maybe if she does make the effort to go and live near to number two or if neither of them is quite suitable and so then at some point she moves on then that's it, sorted.

Sorry, I don't think I'm particularly adding much or anything to your understanding here so I'll leave it at that. If I can think of anything that's possibly constructive to suggest then I'll pop back.

Good luck with whatever you decide and I hope it works out one way or another for you and her and the two unlucky blokes.

Mojisola

rose - it took a lot of strength to sort out your life before. Don't let your daughter drag you back.

You're having to hide your belongings in your house to protect them from her! Doesn't that say it all?

She's got to go. She's got to stand and her own two feet and she's got to learn to deal with the the fall-out from her own actions.

Keep strong!