Dad has been calling our 8 year old a ponce and a woman to his face

Joons

arbroath_lass wrote: »

You may not want to use the words yet mental abuse is exactly what it is. And no the "father" does not come first in this the wee boy does. Abusive contact is NOT better than no contact.

OP I hope you and your son manage to get this sorted.

Of course the child comes first, that's exactly why I suggested another route rather than ceasing contact. This boy is 8 years old, if he's been seeing his dad in those 8 years, to suddenly cease contact with his father will surely cause even more distress for the child. What I am trying to say is the ex needs to be made aware that his words are cruel and are upsetting his son, he perhaps does not realise what he is saying is tantamount to abuse, I would doubt very much that he wants to abuse his child. Perhaps a letter to him explaining all this will resolve the problem, I don't know but is surely worth a try.

duchy

Ideal world -
Father and son maintain close and loving -and respectful relationship

However also in an ideal world

Son doesn't have to endure verbal harassment , threats that his father will physically hurt child's mother or step father.

Blood is not always thicker than water although you do seem to be on another planet Joons if you think a man in his thirties is unaware that verbal abuse of a child, homophobic comments and telling the childhe willhurt his mother and her partner is anything but a sign of severe mental dysfunction on the part of the father and not normal rational behaviour.

rpc

samtoby wrote: »

When I went home last night his father had written me a letter about PR parental responsibility saying that he has equal rights if he wants to remove our son from school, he will. I have already said to the school he is not to leave that school with out my Mum or me.

Without a court order, a school has no means to prevent him collecting your child. You can insist that they tell you, but they cannot stop him.

From http://www.education.gov.uk/schools/pupilsupport/parents/a0014568/parental-responsibility

School and LA staff must treat all parents equally, unless there is a court order limiting an individual's exercise of parental responsibility.

Solicitor. Now.

adouglasmhor

Del_Astra wrote: »

IS the Father aware of this, this could be his problem, as a Father myself this would cut really deep if my son came out with this. This doesn't excuse his behaviour towards his son, but I would find this very difficult to hear / take.

My stepson's real dad thanked me for the care I gave his son when I lived with his mother, we are both also on good terms with the partner she had after me. Am I strange or are you?

samtoby

I find it really hard because everyone that is close to me even my best friend who is a Social worker is saying cease all contact and wait for him to take me to court.

I feel I need to prevent unsupervised contact and offer supervised if he is not happy to do it that is not my fault.

duchy

If a parent is secure and confident in themselves and their relationship with their child they will know a good step parent is desirable as it'll be one more person loving and supporting the child........ If the parent isn't so secure with themselves then maybe it's different

Joons

duchy wrote: »

Ideal world -
Father and son maintain close and loving -and respectful relationship

However also in an ideal world

Son doesn't have to endure verbal harassment , threats that his father will physically hurt child's mother or step father.

Blood is not always thicker than water although you do seem to be on another planet Joons if you think a man in his thirties is unaware that verbal abuse of a child, homophobic comments and telling the childhe willhurt his mother and her partner is anything but a sign of severe mental dysfunction on the part of the father and not normal rational behaviour.

Definitely not on another planet, basically thinking of the child here and not once have I said it's acceptable what the father is doing, it isn't. From the initial post I deduced the father has a problem with his son's behaviour, ie, acting too feminine etc, the father obviously doesn't like this and instead of accepting his son, he ridicules him, again, not right. Ceasing contact between them may make the child more unhappy than he already is, if there's another route then I would explore it, that's all I've ever been saying since the start of this.

The antagony between the ex and the OP is another matter altogether.

duchy

samtoby wrote: »

I find it really hard because everyone that is close to me even my best friend who is a Social worker is saying cease all contact and wait for him to take me to court.

I feel I need to prevent unsupervised contact and offer supervised if he is not happy to do it that is not my fault.

So you've offered supervised contact and have written proof he has refused it .............so what is the problem ?

I would however speak to the school and as well as getting a written report from them about what your son told them also find out what their policy is if your son's father did turn up and attempt to remove your son. Legally they can't stop him but they may be prepared to delay handing him over until you get there. As a short term measure. As a long term measure I don't see you have any choice but to get a court order though. With his threats about taking the child I think waiting for him to take you to court might carry some risk though.

samtoby

I have been sent this as well -

If you have parental responsibility for a child you don’t live with, you don’t necessarily have a right to contact with them - but the other parent still needs to keep you updated about their well-being and progress.

rpc

samtoby wrote: »

I have been sent this as well -

If you have parental responsibility for a child you don’t live with, you don’t necessarily have a right to contact with them - but the other parent still needs to keep you updated about their well-being and progress.

The rights to contact don't belong to the parents. They belong to the child. Both parents need to remember this.

The child has a right to a meaningful relationship with their father. What you as parents need to do, with court involvement if necessary, is work out what form this relationship takes. What relationship is in the best interests of the child?

In this case, it appears as though a "normal" relationship is not in the child's best interests. That doesn't mean that no relationship is the best option.