Dad has been calling our 8 year old a ponce and a woman to his face

samtoby

I have posted here before about my concerns but things have got a lot worse. This is regarding my ex partner of 7 years ago (yes 7 years) and our son.

My ex the father of my son has some kind of obsession that our 8 year old son is going to be gay. Its mainly because he doesn’t like football or Rugby dresses up in fancy dress and doesn’t like playing with cars. Yes it is that petty. He has texted me calling our son a drag queen, camp, gay and feminine. It has been an on going issue but one I thought was only said to me and not in front of our son.

But on Sunday our son told myself and my partner (that I live with) that at the swimming pool his dad had called him a ponce and that he should have been a woman because he acts like one. My son was so upset it took a while to comfort him. I was very angry but I vented this with my partner and not on his father after my son was asleep.

I text his Dad and said that enough was enough and I think he needs to go to a Solicitor because I am not happy to have our son subjected to this emotional abuse. The school have mentioned that it has been mentioned that Daddy has been calling our son these names and phrases and her concerns.

He is now texting me saying that he is entitled to his opinion and he is sorry but as a (I quote) ‘alpha male’ he cannot under stand why our son is like he is. His father believes as he has parental responsibility that I have no right to revoke unsupervised contact.

I am not happy for our son to go with him alone after this event let alone the fact that he has told my son he is going to punch my new partner in the face if he ever has to meet him meaning my son is frightened my new partner will be hurt.

What do I do? I know having contact with your father is important and I do everything to keep it that way and I have said his Dad can come round but he won't because he will I quote' loose his temper'. He has never met my new partner of 2 years so I don't why he would. HELP!:mad:

divadee

Personally and I will probably be slated for this, but I would keep all texts etc.. As proof and cut all contact with his father.

This is mental abuse and will stay with your poor boy for a long time.

If his father takes you to court, cafcas would be involved and your son can tell them about the abuse. You have the texts that he said it, so he won't be able to deny it. I don't think the courts would look on it in a good way.

HeadAboveWater

Personally? I'd agree with divadee.
Does your son still want to see his father? If so then arrange supervised contact only.

Indout96

I know having contact with your father is important

A father is someone that loves the child not bullys them, I think you are right and need to see a solicitor about this. Let your son know that not all men are interested in Football & Rugby (i'm not and never have been) and there is nothing at all wrong in this.
Could it be that your ex is jealous of your new relationship and taking it out on your son ?

desert_rose

You tell him that its a widely known fact that people who display homophobia in such an aggressive and vocal manner are projecting their own inner concerns about the reality of their own sexuality.

Its a case of 'The lady doth protest too much', to quote the bard....

Meaning, of course, that by constantly going on and on...and on...they're deflecting attention from their own deeply seated fears by projecting those fears onto someone else.

In this case, an innocent young lad.

How dare he.
You are right to be so very angry. I am too!

System

Poor kid.:(

fashionlover10

I realise having your father in your life is important for a child but if your father is abusive towards you then it's going to be 10 times more damaging than not seeing him at all.

If I was you I would be more than fuming and I'd make sure his father never saw him again. Every child deserves better than to be subjected to verbal abuse.

minimoneysaver

I would be sitting in the solicitors office. You have proof from the school as well as your own son. Don't let him be subjected to ridicule from his father. His father is a disgrace. Supervised contact is the way forward in a situation like this. You have already verbally asked him to refrain from name calling and he has said himself that he cannot stop. You need to be the bigger adult and ensure that he has no choice but to stop.

Scorpio33

So he is clearly homophobic.

what would your ex do if his son did come out as gay? Would he disown him? Surely it is more important for him to be happy in his own skin than be pressured into being someone he is not.

Anyway, the way I would approach it would be to say to your ex that he is saying things that are upsetting your son and you are concerned that your son is being taught to have a homophobic view - one that you and the majority of people do not agree on. Ask him kindly to stop his name calling immediately. If he disagrees or if he agrees and it continues, then point out to him that what he is doing borders on child abuse and so needs to stop or you will get solicitors involved to either stop access or have supervised access.

The point being - he clearly doesn't see an issue with what he is currently doing and he needs to be told in very strong words how serious it is.

Del_Astra

What age is the "Father"? he is coming out with things that quite honestly sound like he isn't old enough to re-produce never mind have a 8 year old.

I'd suggest you see a Solicitor, I mean the lad is 8 years old and shouldn't be subjected to this.

Just having second thoughts are you sure your ex isn't gay and is just scared to admit it?

Joons

I wouldn't use the word mental abuse as I'm sure your ex doesn't want to abuse his son - he obviously feels really angry and confused by his son's behaviour, ie, the dressing up etc and that's why he is saying things he shouldn't, denying him access seems a little extreme to me. Having said all that, I totally understand why this is upsetting you and yes something needs to be done to sort it out but surely anything is better than ceasing he contact between the two of them. I remember my dad saying things to me as a child that weren't particularly nice, he probably had a point but it was the way he was saying it rather than what - and it certainly didn't do me any harm, nor did I feel abused. It's really your call to decide, you're in the situation but try to listen to your head rather than your heart. What about writing a letter to the ex explaining how much his words are hurting your son, might be worth a try.