Dad has been calling our 8 year old a ponce and a woman to his face

divadee

Joons wrote: »

I wouldn't use the word mental abuse as I'm sure your ex doesn't want to abuse his son - he obviously feels really angry and confused by his son's behaviour, ie, the dressing up etc and that's why he is saying things he shouldn't, denying him access seems a little extreme to me. Having said all that, I totally understand why this is upsetting you and yes something needs to be done to sort it out but surely anything is better than ceasing he contact between the two of them. I remember my dad saying things to me as a child that weren't particularly nice, he probably had a point but it was the way he was saying it rather than what - and it certainly didn't do me any harm, nor did I feel abused. It's really your call to decide, you're in the situation but try to listen to your head rather than your heart. What about writing a letter to the ex explaining how much his words are hurting your son, might be worth a try.

I'm sorry but this mental abuse. There is no other words for it. The father is using horrible degrading words to his 8 year old boy knowing full well what he is doing.

All contact wether it be supervised or unsupervised should be stopped if the poor boy is getting so upset.

Indout96

what would your ex do if his son did come out as gay?

The boy does not like football and likes fancy dress (he is 8) it does not mean he will be gay it does not mean he wont be. My grandson is 8 in March, they whole class did fancy dress for the christmas party, every child enjoyed it.

The father is a total pillock is the problem not what the child will or not be when he grows up.

sulkisu

Joons wrote: »

I wouldn't use the word mental abuse as I'm sure your ex doesn't want to abuse his son - .

That doesn't make his behaviour any less abusive, does it?

zzzLazyDaisy

I would wait for the (understandable) raw emotions to settle down a bit, and then speak calmly to your son. Find out what he wants to do about visiting his father, and then respect his wishes and support him.

If that means cutting contact, so be it.

If your son wishes to continue to see his father - which would also be understandable - then you need to make arrangements for supervised contact in a neutral environment where your son feels safe. Make no mistake, the father's actions amount to child abuse. Your son is vulnerable and entitled to protection.

I don't know enough about the process to advise you on how to arrange supervised access, hopefully someone will be along soon who has knowledge of this area. But at a personal level, in your shoes I think I would phone cafcass and ask then for advice (I know this is not a court case, so they may be unable to help directly, but may be able to point you in the right direction).

Alternatively, you could ask the school's advice, as they have obligations to safeguard the children in their care, and will have contacts with social services who could arrange supervised access (please don't panic about this - if you have gone to the school and asked for their assistance, the school will make it clear that the referral is at your request and the concern is with the father's behaviour).

PurplePow

Joons wrote: »

I wouldn't use the word mental abuse as I'm sure your ex doesn't want to abuse his son - he obviously feels really angry and confused by his son's behaviour, ie, the dressing up etc and that's why he is saying things he shouldn't, denying him access seems a little extreme to me. Having said all that, I totally understand why this is upsetting you and yes something needs to be done to sort it out but surely anything is better than ceasing he contact between the two of them. I remember my dad saying things to me as a child that weren't particularly nice, he probably had a point but it was the way he was saying it rather than what - and it certainly didn't do me any harm, nor did I feel abused. It's really your call to decide, you're in the situation but try to listen to your head rather than your heart. What about writing a letter to the ex explaining how much his words are hurting your son, might be worth a try.

Completely disagree. If the son is upset from being bullied by his father than denying access is not extreme at all, especially if the son does not want it. Or supervised access if they do. It IS abuse.

Speaking as someone who does not speak to or see their father due to verbal and physical abuse as a child, I can only urge the OP to do something about it, especially if your son starts to feel scared of seeing their Dad.

typical_blonde

Go and see a Solicitor who specialises in Family Law - the CAB will probably have a list.

I agree with divadee - keep all texts, emails etc and make a note of any conversations. This man has issues which he is trying to off load onto your son.

Maybe as has been suggested he, himself, is not comfortable with his own sexuality. But whatever the reason is for his behaviour, it is unacceptable.

Your son has love and security with you an your new partner, let the Law sort out your extremely unpleasant ex.

Good luck xx

Teeniepops

This is disgraceful on his part. Anyone can father a child, but it takes a true man to be a proper dad.

Your son is scared because of his father's actions and words and it's totally unfair. Your son has the right to be who he is yet ironically, his father beats him up emotionally about who he is and uses his 'alpha male' status (please - a true man doesn't need to say those words) as justification.

Your son deserves better and I think you're right to seek changes if your son is struggling. Yes, a man has a right to see his child but that doesn't mean it's his right to do it in such ways.

Good luck. You sound like you had a lucky escape with him and hopefully he will realise having a son, gay or otherwise, is a gift as some people never have that luxury. I hope for all
Your sakes he starts to value his son.

ValHaller

It never plays well to cut access unilaterally. Might be best to think about giving supervised access of some sort?

Scorpio33

Indout96 wrote: »

The boy does not like football and likes fancy dress (he is 8) it does not mean he will be gay it does not mean he wont be. My grandson is 8 in March, they whole class did fancy dress for the christmas party, every child enjoyed it.

The father is a total pillock is the problem not what the child will or not be when he grows up.

I agree, but the father sees it as because this behaviour is displayed, that means he is gay, which the father doesn't agree on. Which is why the name calling is there.

Of course it doesn't mean that at all, but if it did then surely the father would have bigger issues?

Just trying to point out that clearly the cause is the homophobic views of the father. He may not realise how harmful he is being - why would he want to harm his own son? He probably sees it as playful banter and can't see the harm. Nor trying to defend him, but I don't think the father sees how harmful he is being.

I would try and point out how harmful he is being and ask him to stop. If it doesn't stop, then that is the time to involve solicitors. I do think as a father he needs a final warning at least - and I don't think the reasons behind the seriousness of this has been pointed out to the father properly yet.

samtoby

My son has said he would rather Daddy came round and then I would be there if he said anything nasty. His Dad will not step foot into our property boundry let alone the house. I suggested somewhere mutual but if he says its not just me and our son he is not interested as he may ' loose his temper'.

My son also said if Daddy hits **** (My partner) I don't want to see Daddy because I love ***** and its not very nice to him because he does nice things with me. (my partner takes him out and does a lot of activities with my son)