Religion has ruined my relatiobnship

sebastianj

zzzxlazydaisy, this is not the solution but part of the problem, no one should be catering for any one's needs, understanding the situation is very important. Talking to her partner does not make her a lesser person, arguing about your God and my God is childish. You can say why he does not change his religion. What do you think changing religion means? Nothing, you may add your name to another register but I am not aware of Christians having a Register.
It only may hurt one's ego, using common sense will resolve every thing and she will be much happier as a result.

Yes the children bit is more complex, I did not read through it sorry.
Talk to him any way.
sebastian
I am

balletshoes

sebastianj wrote: »

Panda78,
I will suggest you play along with the situation. Being a Muslim is no different then being a christian apart from what you eat or drink. If you can do without the booz/pork then it is ok.
The problem of midlife crisis is the identity, belonging to a group of some sort make it easier. There is the fear of dying and methods of burial come in. You need to approach this sympathetically, these needs are built in and difficult to change. Talk to him about religion and say my heart is not in it but for the sake of our relationship, you will do this but don't be expected to wear hijab and all that goes with it.
You will find it more exciting and something new to talk about. I agree with Margaretclare, but I think your case is different.
sebastian

No no no no - and more No. Sorry, I know everyone is entitled to their opinion, but in this case, as the OP has described it, her OH is becoming more strict with his interpretation of his religion as the years go by, he is not a "fairweather" Muslim and I seriously doubt he'd be happy for the OP to revert and become a "practise what I feel like and ignore the rest" Muslim.

My OH is Muslim, he is now and always has been the fairweather variety, he has never asked me to revert and I never would. Your religion, whatever it is, as margaretclare said earlier, is a very personal thing, no-one should expect you to change that.

I'll step off my soapbox now!

Panda78

Tiglath wrote: »

I'm sensing a lot of explicit control there. He wants to be a devout Muslim - fine. He wants you AND his non-resident children to want the same in order to suit his choices - not fine. I'm not saying he's a raging fundie (and you say he's not), but this could end up very messy. I do think you'd be best walking away, not because he's Muslim, but because religious beliefs (if you have them) are at the core of who you are. You say you haven't changed; I expect you may have done in terms of being more sure of what you want with your life. If he'd become devout say 2 or 3 years into the relationship, what would your reaction have been?

Did his father die recently?[/QUOTE]

Thanks Tiglath, you're right, i must have changed in terms of being more sure of myself. I was 21 when we met and 34 now, so i guess i feel now i have to choose what is right for me, rather than ignoring our differences. If he became devout much earlier, we would be in the same situation, i would have said it's not for me. We've had a wonderful time together, so i don't completely regret being with him for so long, i'm just so sad he won't accept me as i am.

His father died 2 years ago, so it wasn't the trigger but i think it's a factor.

l33na

Panda78 wrote: »

We wouldn't have children, because he made it clear that he didn't want more. Hard to accept, but i did because of his 3 children and the family time i had with them. Again, that was a huge compromise for me, which is why i feel like i have proved my love for him enough already.

:grouphug:

I think this is really hard for you but for him him finding his religion again it is a bit like an insurance policy for him, I think this is a deal breaker for him even though a Muslim man can marry a woman of the Book( which you being born Christian you are).

You are still young and if Islam is not for you I think you making compromises stops now. Even though I know some non Muslim women converting just to have an islamic wedding(the whole living in sin bit is a no-no) but what if a few years he wants to go to hajj? The religion is easy for those how follow it but those looking in from the other side see it as a lot of hard work. The not eating pork/drinking alcohol is only part of the religion the main thing is belief and if you are only doing it to save a relationship that will only test you further...

I am a Muslim and just a few years ago I have taken a real close look at my life to find some aspects were not islamic. Making these small changes has been difficult for my Muslim hubby so I can only imagine how ur partners major shift may be for you.


Good luck to you in what ever you decide but make sure it is the best for YOu not the relationship.
It may seem hard to see yourself starting again but this life is only one ( my religious belief lol) and live it the way YOU want.:)

AMILLIONDOLLARS

Whatever decision you make, must be what is best for YOU, it's your life and you need to be happy how you live it. You wanted children, he didn't want anymore. You wanted to remain Christian, he wants you to convert. Would you truely be happy going along with his wishes and ignoring your own. This has nothing to do with religion it's down to basic human rights of an individual. It may be painful now, but it would be a lot more painful down the road if you looked back with regrets.

AMD

Panda78

l33na wrote: »

:grouphug:

I think this is really hard for you but for him him finding his religion again it is a bit like an insurance policy for him, I think this is a deal breaker for him even though a Muslim man can marry a woman of the Book( which you being born Christian you are).

You are still young and if Islam is not for you I think you making compromises stops now. Even though I know some non Muslim women converting just to have an islamic wedding(the whole living in sin bit is a no-no) but what if a few years he wants to go to hajj? The religion is easy for those how follow it but those looking in from the other side see it as a lot of hard work. The not eating pork/drinking alcohol is only part of the religion the main thing is belief and if you are only doing it to save a relationship that will only test you further...

I am a Muslim and just a few years ago I have taken a real close look at my life to find some aspects were not islamic. Making these small changes has been difficult for my Muslim hubby so I can only imagine how ur partners major shift may be for you.


Good luck to you in what ever you decide but make sure it is the best for YOu not the relationship.
It may seem hard to see yourself starting again but this life is only one ( my religious belief lol) and live it the way YOU want.:)

Thanks so much, it's reassuring to have some support from a Muslim perspective. It would be really hard for me to live my life fully according to Islam. Another example is that i always make a big effort during Ramadan and Eid, cooking special meals etc and taking time off work to spend the day with him, because i can't pray with him and make it special that way, but he never comes to my family home to celebrate Christmas with me, because he "can't".

Gloomendoom

If you are not sure, stick to your guns and don't convert.

My sister-in-law was sure and did convert. She is very strong willed and it has worked out reasonably well for her so far. However, over the last couple of years, her husband has also started becoming a lot more devout and has virtually withdrawn from all family events on her side. He feels uncomfortable around alcohol and uncovered females. He has asked my wife (semi jokingly) to cover herself on more than one occasion. Unfortunately, as far as my wife is concerned, that is like a red rag to a bull and she refuses to make any allowances.

From my observations, despite what sebastianj claims, there is a lot more to being a Muslim wife than doing without booze and pork. There are protocols to be adhered to and the expected level of adherence is likely to increase as the husband gets more involved in his religion.

sassyblue

Panda78 wrote: »

Even though he is allowed to marry a Christian, he doesn't want this and wants us to lead "one path". We don't have children - he has kids from a previous marriage. He didn't want more kids and i reluctantly accepted this as i had a step-family with this children.

Sorry but the relationship is very one sided, it's all about what he wants, though when you're happy otherwise it's hard to see/accept.

You said he is allowed to marry a Christian so why can't he compromise?

I'd run like the wind, he sounds controlling albeit in a sneaky way.

onlyroz

I think religion is one of those things that you can't just "go along with". If you feel that it would be a lie for you to convert then you absolutely should not do it, and it would be wrong of your partner to expect you to. If he can't accept you as you are then I'm afraid I don't see a long-term future for you.

go_cat

Panda78 wrote: »

I don't mind this at all, i will accept him as a Muslim, i just want him to accept me as i am.

if you can accept him as a Muslim, why can he not accept you asa Christian, after all you are not the one who was changed are you