Religion has ruined my relatiobnship

pondskater_2

Seems to me that he is more than willing to throw away a loving and supportive relationship. You have done all you can, short of converting to a religion that you do not believe in. I believe the choice is his own, if it is true that Islam allows him to be with a non Muslim. Good luck.

bugslet

As a good friend of mine used to say ( when my Oh was in the midst of an affair), you can't beat sex or religion.

I really feel for you because you must feel that he's led you on a bit, even though for him it is a genuine increase in his faith for whatever reason.

However, if you don't feel the call to Islam, then you can't convert. Not because it's morally wrong, but because you will spend your life living a lie and you'll resent him for pushing you into something you don;t want to do.

If he is intractable on this subject, then I think you will end up having to walk away. You are still young and I wonder if you stay with him after all this time, would you have had children with him anyway?

Panda78

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Can I just say that I have a number of professional female friends who have left it later to start a family because of their careers, and are now having children in the late 30's and early 40's. In fact one of my best friends felt her body clock ticking last year at 44, so they decided to stop contraception and leave it to mother nature to roll the dice. She conceived two months later, which took them by surprise, and she had her baby daughter a few weeks before her 45th birthday. So while it might not be the ideal, it certainly isn't unusual.

The other thing is, please be very careful. I have many muslim friends (through links with Turkey, which doesn't tend to be as strict as some countries), and my experience is that the most fundamental and dominant muslim men are the 'born again' ones (actually that is often true of many religions).

If the past three years have been more difficult, it is likely to get worse if you marry him - as you will be expected to take on the role of his idea of a muslim wife, which may be a much more submissive role than you might wish for yourself.

I am so sorry to say this, but if the love that the two of you have for each other is not as important to him as his recently re-found religious values, then you may have to accept that you have had the best years of this relationship.

Dx

Thank you so much, i think you have summed up everything i was feeling and needed to hear it from someone else. My family and friends are agreeing too, but then you always expect they mostly take your side in any break up anyway.

It's true that the more "born again" believers seem to be the most strict. His brother also lives here and has always followed his religion correctly, but it doesn't seem to rule his life the way it has become for my partner. I think because my OH is the head of the family, now his father has passed away, there is the tradition and expectation of setting an example.

I'll take hope from your friends starting a family in later life. If needs be, i could look into adoption or lone parenting through IVF, thankfully i have a small, but close family to rely on.

sebastianj

Panda78,
I will suggest you play along with the situation. Being a Muslim is no different then being a christian apart from what you eat or drink. If you can do without the booz/pork then it is ok.
The problem of midlife crisis is the identity, belonging to a group of some sort make it easier. There is the fear of dying and methods of burial come in. You need to approach this sympathetically, these needs are built in and difficult to change. Talk to him about religion and say my heart is not in it but for the sake of our relationship, you will do this but don't be expected to wear hijab and all that goes with it.
You will find it more exciting and something new to talk about. I agree with Margaretclare, but I think your case is different.
sebastian

Panda78

pondskater wrote: »

Seems to me that he is more than willing to throw away a loving and supportive relationship. You have done all you can, short of converting to a religion that you do not believe in. I believe the choice is his own, if it is true that Islam allows him to be with a non Muslim. Good luck.

Thanks, this is what is hurting me so much. The Quran says a Muslim man can marry a Christian, so what i am really being told is that HE wants me to covert, it's not a requirement.

I'd rather he just be honest, as i am saying that i don't want to, not that i can't. It must be hard for everyone to believe, but we really go have a very good relationship, aside from this issue. That's why it's so hard to leave.

Errata

For thirteen years you were good enough for him, now you're not. I think that tells you everything you need to know.

JimmyTheWig

Panda78 wrote: »

To put simply, we both want to get married but on different terms which we are not prepared to budge on. It's so hard walking away from i life i was enjoying; this has come out of nowhere.

Does staying as you are (i.e. not converting and not getting married) appear to be an option? My concern with that would be is he just biding his time with you until he finds someone who he does want to marry? [Obviously you know him better than we do to be able to answer that.]

What would converting actually mean for you? You already believe in the same god, and Muslims also believe that Jesus existed, so is it mainly a case of unbelieving some of the things that you currently believe in (e.g. the holy trinity) and believing other things (e.g. Mohammed). Is that something that you could do? I'm not religious and wouldn't be able to believe in any of it however much I wanted to. Would the same be true for you that you wouldn't believe in your new religion? Or does it not work like that?
Or is it more the customs that you would be expected to adhere to? Do you know much about them? Would you be prepared to follow them?

Generally my wife and I are on pretty much the same wavelength when it comes to religious beliefs. If we weren't, I would want her to agree with me. But if she didn't agree with me I would hate for her to say that she did just to please me. But is this what your partner is asking you to do? To say you agree with him and believe in what he believes in just to please him? I'd be very wary of someone who wanted that!
Or does he think / do you think that with the right teaching that you will believe in Islam?

I think you need to talk to him. Tell each other what you both would like to happen and what you both expect from each other.

Tiglath

I'm sensing a lot of explicit control there. He wants to be a devout Muslim - fine. He wants you AND his non-resident children to want the same in order to suit his choices - not fine. I'm not saying he's a raging fundie (and you say he's not), but this could end up very messy. I do think you'd be best walking away, not because he's Muslim, but because religious beliefs (if you have them) are at the core of who you are. You say you haven't changed; I expect you may have done in terms of being more sure of what you want with your life. If he'd become devout say 2 or 3 years into the relationship, what would your reaction have been?

Did his father die recently?

Idiophreak

will.i.amnt wrote: »

yup. That's mixed marriages for ya.

all religion should be banned. Anachronistic mumbo jumbo. Anyone that doesn't like it, feel free to leave.

Intolerance should be banned. You know where the door is.

SailorSam

I'd be worried 'cos we see it so often in the news even with reformed Christians but particularly Muslims who return to religion, it takes over their life.
You've said yourself that the last 3yrs have not been the same, i think you can only expect things to get worse, women seem to be treated as 2nd class citizens in Muslim society.