Religion has ruined my relatiobnship

scooby088

I'm Sorry OP for your situation, I have a friend who divorced his wife when she became a JW, he didn't agree with her choice but luckily their children were all grown up and left home by then.

Why not ask your partner to convert to christianity? Why is there any need for you to conform to his beliefs when you don't believe them.

Tiglath

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

My concern with that would be is he just biding his time with you until he finds someone who he does want to marry?

This happened with someone I knew; he was a fairly relaxed Muslim, living with a woman for 10 years. I asked him if he'd ever marry her and he said No, when he decided he wanted to get married, he'd dump her and find a good Muslim wife.

JimmyTheWig

margaretclare wrote: »

My 'take' on religion is that it is an intensely personal thing, between you and your God if you like (whatever you conceive God to be). However, there are some religions in the world where they don't look at it like that.

I agree. What same to my mind when I got to this bit was the troubles between Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland. There's barely any difference in beliefs at all but there are some in those communities who don't look at it like that.

[So no, I don't think that's a racist view. It would become racist, however, if you used it to only complain about religions where the followers tend to be a different colour to us...]

Panda78

bugslet wrote: »

As a good friend of mine used to say ( when my Oh was in the midst of an affair), you can't beat sex or religion.

I really feel for you because you must feel that he's led you on a bit, even though for him it is a genuine increase in his faith for whatever reason.

However, if you don't feel the call to Islam, then you can't convert. Not because it's morally wrong, but because you will spend your life living a lie and you'll resent him for pushing you into something you don;t want to do.

If he is intractable on this subject, then I think you will end up having to walk away. You are still young and I wonder if you stay with him after all this time, would you have had children with him anyway?

Thanks, it's very true, you can't beat religion. When someone has faith on their side of the argument, it's a no-win situation. I do appreciate that people can change and he feels like the return of religion to his life is a good thing. I do feel led on, at least for the past couple of years, but i think he was genuinely scared of it being a deal breaker.

We wouldn't have children, because he made it clear that he didn't want more. Hard to accept, but i did because of his 3 children and the family time i had with them. Again, that was a huge compromise for me, which is why i feel like i have proved my love for him enough already.

zzzLazyDaisy

sebastianj wrote: »

Panda78,
I will suggest you play along with the situation. Being a Muslim is no different then being a christian apart from what you eat or drink. If you can do without the booz/pork then it is ok.
The problem of midlife crisis is the identity, belonging to a group of some sort make it easier. There is the fear of dying and methods of burial come in. You need to approach this sympathetically, these needs are built in and difficult to change. Talk to him about religion and say my heart is not in it but for the sake of our relationship, you will do this but don't be expected to wear hijab and all that goes with it.
You will find it more exciting and something new to talk about. I agree with Margaretclare, but I think your case is different.
sebastian

I am sorry, but I think you are completely misunderstanding what OP is saying. You say that by 'playing along' she will find it more exciting and have something new to talk about. But if you read her posts, you will see that they have been together 13 years, and the last three she HAS been catering for his muslim needs, in terms of alcohol and meat, and over the years has no doubt had plenty of opportunity to talk with him about his religious beliefs. It is also not a case of these being 'built in needs', he has adult children with a former wife who is a christian, and those children were not raised as muslims. He was also not a committed muslim for the first ten years of their relationship. He has changed in his view of religion, and OP has not. Pretending to go along with his wishes and marrying into that religious environment on that basis, with no resolution of this problem would, in my view be a recipe for disaster.

I say that, as someone who has a number of very close muslim friends, and a great respect for their religious beliefs.

Panda78

sebastianj wrote: »

Panda78,
I will suggest you play along with the situation. Being a Muslim is no different then being a christian apart from what you eat or drink. If you can do without the booz/pork then it is ok.
The problem of midlife crisis is the identity, belonging to a group of some sort make it easier. There is the fear of dying and methods of burial come in. You need to approach this sympathetically, these needs are built in and difficult to change. Talk to him about religion and say my heart is not in it but for the sake of our relationship, you will do this but don't be expected to wear hijab and all that goes with it.
You will find it more exciting and something new to talk about. I agree with Margaretclare, but I think your case is different.
sebastian

Thanks sebastianj, it's good to hear the other side of the case. I could so easily do as you suggest, because i do enjoy my life with him, but i'm not comfortable with converting and not following the religion properly. I already only have halal meat in the house and do not eat pork or drink alcohol in front of him, but i want the freedom to do this if i am out with my family and he is not there, as i am not a Muslim.

balletshoes

Panda78 wrote: »

Would appreciate some advice please. My relationship of 13 years is over because i will not convert to Islam. I'm Christian. I don't go to church and religion does not structure my day as it does for Muslims, but i do believe in God.

I am 34, boyfriend 50. We have been together for 13 years, but he has only taken his religion seriously for the past 3. He has never mentioned needing me to convert before. I recently suggested we get married as i know "living in sin" is a big no-no, so i thought this would please him now he is following his religion again. Rather than planning a wedding, we are now splitting up, as i do not want to convert to Islam.

Even though he is allowed to marry a Christian, he doesn't want this and wants us to lead "one path". We don't have children - he has kids from a previous marriage. He didn't want more kids and i reluctantly accepted this as i had a step-family with this children.

Am i throwing away a very good 13 years for nothing? At 34, single life is scary and i doubt i could find another partner in time to have children.

To put simply, we both want to get married but on different terms which we are not prepared to budge on. It's so hard walking away from i life i was enjoying; this has come out of nowhere.

You're 34 - only 34. My life as it is now (married mum) didn't even start until I was your age.

Your OH has been very clear on what he wants for his future, and you've been just as clear that what he wants you can't do. Its that simple in this case from what you've said, so splitting up is absolutely the right thing to do.

Errata

He knows you won't convert, so for him it's a pretty easy way of getting rid of you and saying it's not his decision, it's what his god wants.

Panda78

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

Does staying as you are (i.e. not converting and not getting married) appear to be an option? My concern with that would be is he just biding his time with you until he finds someone who he does want to marry? [Obviously you know him better than we do to be able to answer that.]

What would converting actually mean for you? You already believe in the same god, and Muslims also believe that Jesus existed, so is it mainly a case of unbelieving some of the things that you currently believe in (e.g. the holy trinity) and believing other things (e.g. Mohammed). Is that something that you could do? I'm not religious and wouldn't be able to believe in any of it however much I wanted to. Would the same be true for you that you wouldn't believe in your new religion? Or does it not work like that?
Or is it more the customs that you would be expected to adhere to? Do you know much about them? Would you be prepared to follow them?

Generally my wife and I are on pretty much the same wavelength when it comes to religious beliefs. If we weren't, I would want her to agree with me. But if she didn't agree with me I would hate for her to say that she did just to please me. But is this what your partner is asking you to do? To say you agree with him and believe in what he believes in just to please him? I'd be very wary of someone who wanted that!
Or does he think / do you think that with the right teaching that you will believe in Islam?

I think you need to talk to him. Tell each other what you both would like to happen and what you both expect from each other.

Thanks Jimmy, i'm not sure i can answer everything, but staying together unmarried is not an option. He is, aside from this issue, a strict Muslim now and i do not want to be the one to bring "sin" into his life. I expected him to marry me, to make our relationship acceptable in the eyes of God, but he wants me to be Muslim. I know there are similarities between the Bible and Quran, but it's more the customs and way of life which i don't want. Just on one issue alone - i do not want to wear the hijab and if i converted, he would expect this. I also feel loyal to my family, upbringing and education. Everything that has made me the person i am, which i like to think is considerate and generous. I have certainly accepted everything about my partner, whether i like it or not, but this is the deal breaker for me.

He is choosing religion over me, because as a Christian, he is allowed to marry me, he just wants me to be Muslim. He doesn't want me to convert for the sake of him, that is actually not allowed, but the truth is many women do convert just for their husbands and if they divorce down the line, you find they go back to their first religion. To me, that is wrong. You can only convert if you believe that way of life is correct and Islam is a lifestyle as well as religion.

LannieDuck

Panda78 wrote: »

Would appreciate some advice please. My relationship of 13 years is over because i will not convert to Islam. I'm Christian. I don't go to church and religion does not structure my day as it does for Muslims, but i do believe in God.

I am 34, boyfriend 50. We have been together for 13 years, but he has only taken his religion seriously for the past 3. He has never mentioned needing me to convert before. I recently suggested we get married as i know "living in sin" is a big no-no, so i thought this would please him now he is following his religion again. Rather than planning a wedding, we are now splitting up, as i do not want to convert to Islam.

Even though he is allowed to marry a Christian, he doesn't want this and wants us to lead "one path". We don't have children - he has kids from a previous marriage. He didn't want more kids and i reluctantly accepted this as i had a step-family with this children.

Am i throwing away a very good 13 years for nothing? At 34, single life is scary and i doubt i could find another partner in time to have children.

To put simply, we both want to get married but on different terms which we are not prepared to budge on. It's so hard walking away from i life i was enjoying; this has come out of nowhere.

As someone else said, why not just stay as you are? Do you need to get married? Is he happy to accept you practising as a christian if the two of you don't marry?