Religion has ruined my relatiobnship

Panda78

Would appreciate some advice please. My relationship of 13 years is over because i will not convert to Islam. I'm Christian. I don't go to church and religion does not structure my day as it does for Muslims, but i do believe in God.

I am 34, boyfriend 50. We have been together for 13 years, but he has only taken his religion seriously for the past 3. He has never mentioned needing me to convert before. I recently suggested we get married as i know "living in sin" is a big no-no, so i thought this would please him now he is following his religion again. Rather than planning a wedding, we are now splitting up, as i do not want to convert to Islam.

Even though he is allowed to marry a Christian, he doesn't want this and wants us to lead "one path". We don't have children - he has kids from a previous marriage. He didn't want more kids and i reluctantly accepted this as i had a step-family with this children.

Am i throwing away a very good 13 years for nothing? At 34, single life is scary and i doubt i could find another partner in time to have children.

To put simply, we both want to get married but on different terms which we are not prepared to budge on. It's so hard walking away from i life i was enjoying; this has come out of nowhere.

Tiglath

I have to say in your position I'd stick to my principles and accept that the relationship you knew is over, whether you convert or depart. If you don't want to be a Muslim (or whatever religion), your heart wouldn't be in it even if you went along with it, and you don't have to. I certainly wouldn't adopt a new religion for the sake of a relationship, even a longstanding one. You're certainly young enough to start again, find a new partner and hopefully start a family if that's what you want. Good luck!

lazer

I feel for you OP

Is it worth considering relationship therapy to help you find a compromise?

Do you still love you partner and want to sped the rest of life with them and do they feel the same about you? Ie: is the only issue religion - if it wasn't for this would you still want to be together?

What age are his children, are they muslim - is he tryingto set a path for them?

Don't stress about meeting a new partner in time to have children - if your relationship is really over, take the time to get over it and allow yourself to move on.
Take up new hobbies and throw yourself into life and i you meet someone as part of this - all the better.

Panda78

Thanks Tiglath, kind words. I hope they come true and i can start again. You mentioned something i wanted to say, which was that the best years of my relationship were the first 10, when i felt more compatitble with him. When he returned to his religion (he was born in a Muslim country), i was prepared to accept this as i knew it's what he "should" be doing, i just didn't expect him to want me to convert, i presumed he would have mentioned it a long time ago if that was the case, but i think he was probably scared, knowing this would happen.

margaretclare

Oh my goodness. Shall I reply to this - shall I risk being accused of being 'racist', again?

Here goes.

My 'take' on religion is that it is an intensely personal thing, between you and your God if you like (whatever you conceive God to be). However, there are some religions in the world where they don't look at it like that. I've also heard it said that, for Muslims in particular, they may start out as being fairly relaxed and accepting of other religions but there is always the possibility that they will become more 'fundamentalist' if you like. There are numerous example of this happening. One high-profile example is a guy who used to be called 'Andy', who was pretty relaxed, did many of the things they're not supposed to do, but has now become very extreme. I believe he was one of the guys involved in the 'poppy-burning' thing a couple of years ago. He certainly advocates the introduction of 'sharia' law into this country. Also, once you convert, or 'revert' as they put it, there is no going back. You can't convert back to your original religion. Life can never be the same again. What you wear, what you do, how you think - it reaches into every area of life.

It's something that needs a lot of serious thought.

HTH

Tiglath

Have you any idea what's triggered his renewed interest in his religion? Was his first marriage to a Muslim?

Panda78

lazer wrote: »

I feel for you OP

Is it worth considering relationship therapy to help you find a compromise?

Do you still love you partner and want to sped the rest of life with them and do they feel the same about you? Ie: is the only issue religion - if it wasn't for this would you still want to be together?

What age are his children, are they muslim - is he tryingto set a path for them?

Don't stress about meeting a new partner in time to have children - if your relationship is really over, take the time to get over it and allow yourself to move on.
Take up new hobbies and throw yourself into life and i you meet someone as part of this - all the better.

Thanks for the advice lazer. I do still love him and have invested so much in the relationship - taking the time to understand Islam and making sure our home is kept accordingly (halal meat, no alcohol, pork) but i know it's not for me. I still do these things when i am with my family, although i'm not much of a drinker anyway. I'm not sure he would go to therapy.

His children are quite grown up now, 22 ,14 & 16. They are only Muslim by name. Their mother is English/Christian. He would like them to practice but it's very unlikely to happen, their mother has a stronger influence.

Panda78

Tiglath wrote: »

Have you any idea what's triggered his renewed interest in his religion? Was his first marriage to a Muslim?

Not really, other than it's what he should be doing. Half of his life was spent in a Muslim country. When he came to the UK he seemed to lose track of that, married an English woman and embraced our lifestyle more. What i have come to realise is that most Muslims return to their religion as they get older. It's all about building up "points" for the next life and he has some sins to repent (sounds ridiculous to me, as he's actually a very good man and father, but there you go).

I don't mind this at all, i will accept him as a Muslim, i just want him to accept me as i am.

will.i.amnt

yup. That's mixed marriages for ya.

all religion should be banned. Anachronistic mumbo jumbo. Anyone that doesn't like it, feel free to leave.

zzzLazyDaisy

Can I just say that I have a number of professional female friends who have left it later to start a family because of their careers, and are now having children in the late 30's and early 40's. In fact one of my best friends felt her body clock ticking last year at 44, so they decided to stop contraception and leave it to mother nature to roll the dice. She conceived two months later, which took them by surprise, and she had her baby daughter a few weeks before her 45th birthday. So while it might not be the ideal, it certainly isn't unusual.

The other thing is, please be very careful. I have many muslim friends (through links with Turkey, which doesn't tend to be as strict as some countries), and my experience is that the most fundamental and dominant muslim men are the 'born again' ones (actually that is often true of many religions).

If the past three years have been more difficult, it is likely to get worse if you marry him - as you will be expected to take on the role of his idea of a muslim wife, which may be a much more submissive role than you might wish for yourself.

I am so sorry to say this, but if the love that the two of you have for each other is not as important to him as his recently re-found religious values, then you may have to accept that you have had the best years of this relationship.

Dx

Panda78

margaretclare wrote: »

Oh my goodness. Shall I reply to this - shall I risk being accused of being 'racist', again?

Here goes.

My 'take' on religion is that it is an intensely personal thing, between you and your God if you like (whatever you conceive God to be). However, there are some religions in the world where they don't look at it like that. I've also heard it said that, for Muslims in particular, they may start out as being fairly relaxed and accepting of other religions but there is always the possibility that they will become more 'fundamentalist' if you like. There are numerous example of this happening. One high-profile example is a guy who used to be called 'Andy', who was pretty relaxed, did many of the things they're not supposed to do, but has now become very extreme. I believe he was one of the guys involved in the 'poppy-burning' thing a couple of years ago. He certainly advocates the introduction of 'sharia' law into this country. Also, once you convert, or 'revert' as they put it, there is no going back. You can't convert back to your original religion. Life can never be the same again. What you wear, what you do, how you think - it reaches into every area of life.

It's something that needs a lot of serious thought.

HTH

Thanks margaretclare, i think my last reply to Tiglath has agreed with some of what you said. I wouldn't say he is "funadamentalist" (in fact he is now worried that my mum thinks he is because of this!), but i suppose he has changed over the 13 years, as anyone can in a relationship, where as i have mostly stayed the same. If he had asked me at any point i could have told him that i do not want to convert and it's an informed choice, rather than just being "scared" of Islam.