Religion has ruined my relatiobnship

hardpressed

What a sad situation you find yourself in. It seems to me that the person you have loved for 10 of the 13 years you have been together has gone and a different person has moved in.

Much as it will be very painful to leave I don't think you have any other option. He is trying to control every aspect of your life and unless you are prepared to go along meekly with his demands life could become very difficult.

Your religon is not something you can change just to please someone else, it is part of who you are, in a way it's not something you choose but something you feel you have to do.

The fact that you need to ask advice suggests that deep down you know it's not something that you can go along with. Get out now while you can and start a new life. You're still young. All the best.

margaretclare

I think this man has been/is being incredibly selfish.

He didn't want children, so you've been with him since age 19 (have I got that right?) effectively through your most fertile years. 34 is not too old to have children, but 24 would have been better from a biological perspective.

I don't really get all these religious scruples he's now having yet he's still willing to live with you in an unmarried state? 'Over t'brush' as they used to say in the north of England.

He wants you to 'try out the religion, live as he does, pray etc'? No, that will not work. How does religious conversion normally work? Do you get a sudden 'road to Damascus' conversion? Or, as in the case of my DH, was it more gradual, over a long period of time? I can tell you this, it wasn't just about what you eat, what you wear, how you pray. It has to be who you pray TO and whether you think there's anything there. Not just mumbling a lot of foreign words that you don't understand. There has to be some meaning to it.

In March 1989 I almost got converted to Islam. I was very ill, in the hospital where I worked in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. A couple of the young docs thought they'd be doing me a great favour by converting me. They were concerned that if I died I'd go to hell because I was a Christian. Suffice it to say, it didn't work. By then I'd seen enough of Islam to realise that it wasn't for me. I didn't even realise their agenda until one of the young docs showed up at my bedside with an older man who had a white veil over his head, a book under his arm, who refused to shake my hand.

It would have been the easiest thing in the world, though, to say 'oh all right guys, if you think that, then I'll go along with it'. The effects, however, would have been far-reaching and irrevocable. I summoned up just enough strength to say 'thanks but no thanks'.

hethmar

Have skimmed and I cant see why on earth you are even thinking of staying with this man. As some others have said, I wouldnt be surprised if he doesnt suddenly tell you he is marrying/married to a good muslim woman and you will be out on your ear.

Get out now, you are still a kid, you have a whole life in front of you - and after all, if you have religious beliefs it should be God you want to please, there should be no question of converting just to please a man.

Panda78

hardpressed wrote: »

What a sad situation you find yourself in. It seems to me that the person you have loved for 10 of the 13 years you have been together has gone and a different person has moved in.

Much as it will be very painful to leave I don't think you have any other option. He is trying to control every aspect of your life and unless you are prepared to go along meekly with his demands life could become very difficult.

Your religon is not something you can change just to please someone else, it is part of who you are, in a way it's not something you choose but something you feel you have to do.

The fact that you need to ask advice suggests that deep down you know it's not something that you can go along with. Get out now while you can and start a new life. You're still young. All the best.

"sad" is exactly how i am feeling and i would rather it be replaced with anger. It's the sadness which i am finding so draining, whilst trying to get enough strength to move out and keep ticking over at work as my colleagues do not know yet.

Thanks for your encouragement

Errata

Your'e sad because you're finding it hard to believe he could demand this of your. Anger will come when you think you're worthy of better behaviour from him, and you are.
If he's doing pik'n'mix religion according to currently what suits him and what doesn't, then I suspect that he's not as devoted and committed to it as he says he is.

Panda78

Errata wrote: »

Your'e sad because you're finding it hard to believe he could demand this of your. Anger will come when you think you're worthy of better behaviour from him, and you are.
If he's doing pik'n'mix religion according to currently what suits him and what doesn't, then I suspect that he's not as devoted and committed to it as he says he is.

I think he is genuinely devoted now, but the problem is that he wasn't a "good Muslim" for so long. He's going into overdrive now and doing even more than he needs to or even more than is even correct.

margaretclare

If anyone has the time, could i also pose a question as to what i should do if my partner did change his mind and agree to marry me as Christian?

This is interesting. In my book, marrying as a Christian means marrying in a church. I assume you weren't thinking of going that far, maybe a civil marriage in a register office? This is where vows are made but without prayers, hymns, any mention of God at all?

I suspect that in his religion, you would be 'legally' married according to the law of the land where he now lives, but in his mind you still wouldn't be 'married' as his religion conceives it.

pollypenny

Panda, I'm wondering if your OH has always been controlling. With the age gap, he's overlapping with a dad' role?

Errata

Panda78 wrote: »

I think he is genuinely devoted now, but the problem is that he wasn't a "good Muslim" for so long. He's going into overdrive now and doing even more than he needs to or even more than is even correct.

Then there's nothing to prevent him going further into 'overdrive' is there? With all that would mean for you.
I think you know exactly what's what; the tough bit is facing up to that and taking appropriate action.

hethmar

Even if he agreed to marry you as a christian in a register office, how can that work? He will still expect you to act as a devoted muslim wife which is why you are currently on here with this dilemma. Get out asap.