Religion has ruined my relatiobnship

Lunar_Eclipse

Panda78 wrote: »

If anyone has the time, could i also pose a question as to what i should do if my partner did change his mind and agree to marry me as Christian?

Personally, it wouldn't change anything for me, given what you've been through and sadly I couldn't know for sure that was the end of it, which would create trust issues for me.

I don't think his behaviour is/has been appropriate and I'm not entirely convinced that he is being honest with you about his motives, even before a potential backing down, but for the sake of what I would do, it makes no difference.

On the basis that his religious conversion request is not necessary, it is incredibly disrespectful to both you and any/your God. That is a massive red flag for me, in terms of having an equal, loving and respectful marriage. Would that even be possible?

I grew up in an Islamic country so know that it is a lifestyle (and understand your comment about points scoring for the future) and would be concerned marrying someone who has behaved as your partner is doing currently.

Panda78

margaretclare wrote: »

This is interesting. In my book, marrying as a Christian means marrying in a church. I assume you weren't thinking of going that far, maybe a civil marriage in a register office? This is where vows are made but without prayers, hymns, any mention of God at all?

I suspect that in his religion, you would be 'legally' married according to the law of the land where he now lives, but in his mind you still wouldn't be 'married' as his religion conceives it.

Thanks, that's a good point. I know we can't marry in a church, so it would have to be a register office. Islamic weddings are not legally recognised here, so even if we did marry in a mosque with me staying as Christian (not sure if that's possible), then we would still need to go to register office anyway.

margaretclare

Panda78 wrote: »

Thanks, that's a good point. I know we can't marry in a church, so it would have to be a register office. Islamic weddings are not legally recognised here, so even if we did marry in a mosque with me staying as Christian (not sure if that's possible), then we would still need to go to register office anyway.

From memory, when we got married in 2002, we were told that for a marriage to be legal according to UK law, there have to be certain words said. This is what's called 'The Declarations'. The minister/registrar asks those present, if anyone knows any reason why the couple should not marry, to declare it now. Then, the couple make their vows to each other 'Will you take him/her to be your husband/wife'? 'I will'. Then 'I take you to be my wife/husband...'

In our law, it is important that (a) no one knows any reason why the marriage should not take place (remember 'Jane Eyre'?) (b) that the couple declare 'I will' and (c) that they each make their vows to each other, facing each other.

I believe that none of this happens in an Islamic marriage, in fact the couple may not even get to meet until after the ceremony. No doubt that's the reason why Islamic marriages are not legally recognised here.

Gloomendoom

Panda78 wrote: »

If anyone has the time, could i also pose a question as to what i should do if my partner did change his mind and agree to marry me as Christian?

Mojisola wrote: »

Not knowing him, it difficult to say but I would be concerned that he has only put the idea of you becoming a Muslim on the back burner and that you will find yourself under a lot of pressure later on.

It will be much harder to sort things out if you have to go through a divorce.

I would have same concerns. Not only pressure from him but also his family and friends.

Do not marry him unless you are absolutely sure that he is the 'one'. There should be no doubt in your mind. Unfortunately, I speak from bitter experience. As Mojisola said, splitting up after you are (legally) married is messy, complicated and very stressful for both parties.

Gloomendoom

Panda78 wrote: »

Thanks, that's a good point. I know we can't marry in a church, so it would have to be a register office. Islamic weddings are not legally recognised here, so even if we did marry in a mosque with me staying as Christian (not sure if that's possible), then we would still need to go to register office anyway.

You can get married in a C of E church.

margaretclare

Gloomendoom wrote: »

You can get married in a C of E church.

Not the way he feels!

Gloomendoom

margaretclare wrote: »

Not the way he feels!

Although, suggesting it would certainly test his commitment to the relationship.

kwmlondon

Think of your 13 years together as a good time for you both and now it's time to move on. He's not the person you started going out with (he's a different religion now with different priorities) and if you continue down this path you are going to have to stop being you and become someone else, under duress.

My advice is to end it now. Look back fondly and move on.

*Louise*

Panda78 wrote: »

Thanks Jimmy, those are my worries too. I think he's starting to feel the pressure of the split now, where as i felt it immeadiately. Last night i asked him to send post i am due to receive in 2 weeks time to my family home and he was surprised that i wouldn't still be living with him by then, but what else are we supposed to do?!

He fully expects you to convert. He isn't even thinking about what will happen if you don't because it obviously hasn't crossed his mind.
I think you will have actually left before he begins to take you seriously.

Panda78 wrote: »

I know, but last night he was saying how shocked his brother and wife (she is a convert) were that we are really splitting up. They didn't believe it, because they thought that i would change my mind. You can see the pattern here.

Guilt trip. Don't listen to what 'other people say'

Incidentally - how does his brother treat his wife? This could give a good indication about how your husband would be if you do go on to marry him. Because, no matter what religion you are, I still think he will treat you as a Muslim wife after marriage - and the pressure then could be even greater to convert.

Tish_P

he was saying how shocked his brother and wife (she is a convert) were that we are really splitting up.

There's a classic tactic. "You have to (do thing I want) because of all these other people who for some reason only spoke to me about it and not you!"