Religion has ruined my relatiobnship

seven-day-weekend

margaretclare wrote: »

From memory, when we got married in 2002, we were told that for a marriage to be legal according to UK law, there have to be certain words said. This is what's called 'The Declarations'. The minister/registrar asks those present, if anyone knows any reason why the couple should not marry, to declare it now. Then, the couple make their vows to each other 'Will you take him/her to be your husband/wife'? 'I will'. Then 'I take you to be my wife/husband...'

In our law, it is important that (a) no one knows any reason why the marriage should not take place (remember 'Jane Eyre'?) (b) that the couple declare 'I will' and (c) that they each make their vows to each other, facing each other.

I believe that none of this happens in an Islamic marriage, in fact the couple may not even get to meet until after the ceremony. No doubt that's the reason why Islamic marriages are not legally recognised here.

That is correct, there must be no known bar to the persons being married and this must be asked of the witnesses and declared by the couple, each must assent to their willingness to marry the other and then confirm that they have done so. These things MUST be done for the union to be legal under UK law.

andygb

Panda78 wrote: »

"sad" is exactly how i am feeling and i would rather it be replaced with anger. It's the sadness which i am finding so draining, whilst trying to get enough strength to move out and keep ticking over at work as my colleagues do not know yet.

Thanks for your encouragement

I think that you need to get to your GP and tell them how you are feeling, because you have a battle ahead of you, with your emotions and with your OH.
From the sound of it, you may have mild depression (highly understandable from what you have told us).
Have you any relations who you can confide in, and tell them your worst fears?
You are a young person, but this whole scenario could end up ageing you prematurely with all the stress.
You have your whole life ahead of you - to enjoy, and it sounds to me as though you have spent the last 13 years keeping someone else happy - at your expense.

Panda78

andygb wrote: »

I think that you need to get to your GP and tell them how you are feeling, because you have a battle ahead of you, with your emotions and with your OH.
From the sound of it, you may have mild depression (highly understandable from what you have told us).
Have you any relations who you can confide in, and tell them your worst fears?
You are a young person, but this whole scenario could end up ageing you prematurely with all the stress.
You have your whole life ahead of you - to enjoy, and it sounds to me as though you have spent the last 13 years keeping someone else happy - at your expense.

Thanks andy, i do have family i can talk to, but they are ask shocked as i am. None of them can believe he is asking this of me, especially as we have had a happy 13 years together. I am moving back home to my parents, not particularly for financial reasons, but because i feel i need their support to get through it.

gravitytolls

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

Does staying as you are (i.e. not converting and not getting married) appear to be an option? My concern with that would be is he just biding his time with you until he finds someone who he does want to marry? [Obviously you know him better than we do to be able to answer that.]

What would converting actually mean for you? You already believe in the same god, and Muslims also believe that Jesus existed, so is it mainly a case of unbelieving some of the things that you currently believe in (e.g. the holy trinity) and believing other things (e.g. Mohammed). Is that something that you could do? I'm not religious and wouldn't be able to believe in any of it however much I wanted to. Would the same be true for you that you wouldn't believe in your new religion? Or does it not work like that?
Or is it more the customs that you would be expected to adhere to? Do you know much about them? Would you be prepared to follow them?

Generally my wife and I are on pretty much the same wavelength when it comes to religious beliefs. If we weren't, I would want her to agree with me. But if she didn't agree with me I would hate for her to say that she did just to please me. But is this what your partner is asking you to do? To say you agree with him and believe in what he believes in just to please him? I'd be very wary of someone who wanted that!
Or does he think / do you think that with the right teaching that you will believe in Islam?

I think you need to talk to him. Tell each other what you both would like to happen and what you both expect from each other.

Tis true there are some similarities, Jews also believe in the existence of Jesus. But the fundamental difference is that Christians believe Jesus is God, and there never the twain shall meet.

OP, I know you think he may not attend counselling with you, but I believe Mosques and Imam's offer counselling and advice, and if you both wish to save your relationship and your faith in the love you were once so sure of. I really think this should be your starting point before considering packing your bags.

I truly hope you can sort this out. Lots of mixed marriages face similar crisis and survive, where there's a will.... Religion doesn't have to be viewed as a destructive force, it is a force for good, it's only bad people who use religion to corrupt, and a good Imam will help you both get to a point where there's nothing but good in your future.

hardpressed

You are going through a brevement, the man you loved for the last 13 years has 'died' and someone else has taken him over. You need time to mourn that loss. Move back to your parents so that they can support you through this.

balletshoes

Panda78 wrote: »

OP here, just another thanks to everyone who has commented. This has been the worst week of my life, but i have gained a lot from your advice.

If anyone has the time, could i also pose a question as to what i should do if my partner did change his mind and agree to marry me as Christian?

I am preparing to leave our home this weekend and need to know what people think i should do if this happens. I'm scacred that too many differences have been aired now to put them to one side and marry, but there could be a last ditch attempt on both our parts not to throw away 13 years together.

Do you really think this is a possibility?
If you do, then I think the consideration on your part has to be what direction will his religious convictions take him in, how much more immersed in his religion would he expect his household (and you in it) to become? This would be my concern in your shoes.

JimmyTheWig

Panda78 wrote: »

I am moving back home to my parents, not particularly for financial reasons, but because i feel i need their support to get through it.

I think this is a brilliant idea, Panda.

hardpressed wrote: »

the man you loved for the last 13 years has 'died' and someone else has taken him over.

"From a certain point of view..."

FBaby

Panda78 wrote: »

If anyone has the time, could i also pose a question as to what i should do if my partner did change his mind and agree to marry me as Christian?.

If he did, it would show that he is prepared to make a huge compromise to his religion for the sake of his love for you. I would hug him, marry him and love him forever!

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

If he did, it would show that he is prepared to make a huge compromise to his religion for the sake of his love for you. I would hug him, marry him and love him forever!

I would have to be absolutely certain that he didn't just see getting married as a step along the way to his ultimate aim of getting me to convert.

Would he be happy for me to live as a western wife or would he expect me to conform to his religion's ideas of how a wife should behave?

FBaby

How can it be a step towards it though? If anything, it seems like a step away from it from my perspective. If OP isn't converting, then how can he expect her to act more like a muslim wife than she is now?