Not sure how to approach this

Poppy9

notanewuser wrote: »

I'm not angry or fuming, I'm upset for my little girl who is treated differently (and very openly) to her cousins for reasons I don't understand. Who buys a gift for one niece and not the other?

Me!!! It's quite common in families. I have 8 nieces and nephews from 3 siblings. All now adults but I stopped buying for 4 of them years ago as they stopped acknowledging my presents/cards etc. No bad feeling between us they are just crap thankers !!!

The 4 I buy for will soon become 1 as they become parents and I will buy for their child. This is something I agreed with then on so all happy. I don't and never have felt the need to spend equal amounts, I try to buy them something I think they will like/need. i.e. for my nephew's birthday I spend £25 on a T shirt for him and my DD gave a small gift. I bought his sister a £50 bottle of scent and DD bought her a scarf from topshop! No resentment from her brother, he told me the name of her perfume

notanewuser wrote: »

Have mentioned it to DH this morning, who hadn't realised and thought it was very odd. Will see what that seed grows into.

now wait for the fall out if he mentions to family and an atmosphere develops.

DD has one Aunt who sometimes sends her a birthday card, sometimes sends her a cheque for birthday or Xmas but mostly does not. I hope we've brought DD up not to think she has an automatic right to gifts even if others are getting one.

i.e. on mother's day I've always told her no card or gift is necessary but a kind gesture is appreciated - like Tea in bed:T:T:T:T:T

There are more important things in life to worry about. They are hospitable to you and you said "insisted" you stayed with them even though she is heavily pregnant. Appreciate this.

notanewuser

amus wrote: »

Do they usually buy gifts for xmas for your dd?

I would be upset in your position too op but is it posssible your dd gift has got mixed up and unknowingly been opened by another child?

DD is 2 and has had 3 Christmases. They bought for the first, but not the second or third. We always go up sometime before Xmas, so it's not anything to do with not seeing her on Xmas day.

balletshoes

notanewuser wrote: »

We've been here since Thursday. DD had her presents from her grandparents yesterday and loved them (outfit too big as usual but she'll grow into it eventually). I've just realised that for the 2nd year in a row she's had nothing from the brother, SIL and niece we're staying with (don't know about the other 2 as they've been struck down with norovirus so tomorrow's family dinner probably not happening). They're very lovely people with no money worries, and they adore DD, so I'm confused about what's going on. We're going home tomorrow so the clock is ticking.

How do I approach this? I'm tempted (if nothing materialises before we go) to ask if they'd rather not do Xmas presents for adults or children this year.
I'm slightly regretting giving them all of DD's stuff for their LO (and the next) when they ignore her so blatantly.

I hate stuff like this.

If you can keep the conversation friendly, I don't see anything wrong in asking your in-laws if they'd rather not do Xmas pressies from now on.

I'm confused about your last sentence though OP - you said they adore her, so why do you think they are ignoring her so blatantly? Its better for someone to get the use out of your DD's old stuff isn't it? Might as well be someone in the family.

balletshoes

notanewuser wrote: »

I'm not angry or fuming, I'm upset for my little girl who is treated differently (and very openly) to her cousins for reasons I don't understand. Who buys a gift for one niece and not the other?

yes your daughter is being treated differently, and that hurts, of course it does. But it hurts you, not her, because unless you tell her she's getting a pressie from her auntie when she visits, she won't know, so she'll be none the wiser that her cousin got something and she didn't.

No, its not fair, but unless you want to have it out with your in-laws (and I'd imagine this wouldn't be a particularly friendly conversation) then I think your first suggestion would be the way to go, suggest that both of you stop doing xmas pressies for the other. While you're at it, clarify the birthday position too, if birthdays have been missed for your DD at all.

And once you've had the conversation, get over it. Its a fact of life that not all families are fair and considerate with each other.

System

To be honest, in your shoes i'd ask your hubby to mention it too his Mum and ask if she knows why they dont buy anything for your DD. Maybe, if the Mum is anything like me i'd try and mediate between the the two families. She doesnt have to say anything to the daughters in law, maybe just drop it out in conversation to the sons that she has noticed that one child is being overlooked in the gift buying. As a Mother (and a Nan) i couldnt bear to see one child (or one granchild) being treated unfairly.

Of course, this depends on your hubby and Mother in law being willing.

notanewuser

balletshoes wrote: »

I'm confused about your last sentence though OP - you said they adore her, so why do you think they are ignoring her so blatantly? Its better for someone to get the use out of your DD's old stuff isn't it? Might as well be someone in the family.

I have no idea why they are ignoring her. The whole family do have a bit of an "out of sight, out of mind" tendency. Nobody ever phones to see how we are, they Skype occasionally etc. I just don't know how that can be the case at Xmas, but there we go.

Re DD's things, they were passed on as a loan (made clear) not for keeps because we werent sure if we would have another child. But having used them for their first DD they put them away rather than give them back and are now preparing to use them for their 2nd DD. we saved them hundreds of ££s. This is a couple that earn about £75k between them and don't pay for childcare. If DH and I do have another child we'll no doubt have to rebuy everything because I found much will survive 3 children.

It's not something I'm upset about every day, but the lack
Of thank you'd and blatant ignoring of DD is really getting to me.

Sambucus_Nigra

notanewuser wrote: »

Have mentioned it to DH this morning, who hadn't realised and thought it was very odd. Will see what that seed grows into.

He hadn't realised?

Wasn't he there during the present opening session?

What a very odd family

notanewuser

Poppy9 wrote: »

Me!!! It's quite common in families. I have 8 nieces and nephews from 3 siblings. All now adults but I stopped buying for 4 of them years ago as they stopped acknowledging my presents/cards etc. No bad feeling between us they are just crap thankers !!!

.

But that's different to not buying for a 2 year old, isn't it? I write thank yous on her behalf at the moment (although she's very good at saying thank you herself too) so I don't think it's on that she be excluded so young. In later years, possibly.

burnoutbabe

ask for the stuff you loaned back, as "you are planning a 2nd one soon". May make you feel better.

mummyroysof3

sorry im confused...so far she has had nothing from brother you staying with or other 2 brothers as yet..that right?

my feelings are that you cant really say anything as its kind of rude to ask for gifts but on the other hand i would also be annoyed and not understand why they didnt.

on the issue of giving them stuff i would stop doing that as you clearly have negative feelings about doing it.