Not sure how to approach this

notanewuser

I posted a thread not so long back about certain family members (on DH's) side not saying thank you for anything, and forgetting DD. a shorthand history:

DH is eldest of 4 brothers. All of DH's family live within 30 miles of DH's parents. We're 260 miles away. DD (2) is eldest grandchild. 2 of brothers already have children, and all 3 have babies on the way in the next 5 months.

We make the effort to visit at least 4 times a year, to coincide with significant adult birthdays and all children's birthdays, plus a visit around xmas. Apart from them visiting for DD's 2nd birthday and naming ceremony we've had them down once each since she was born.

Due to illness we were unable to visit on the planned weekend before Xmas, so arranged to visit this weekend. Xmas presents for the children and token edible gifts for the adults were delivered before xmas as DH was passing. An outfit and a puzzle for each child came to £25 each.

We've been here since Thursday. DD had her presents from her grandparents yesterday and loved them (outfit too big as usual but she'll grow into it eventually). I've just realised that for the 2nd year in a row she's had nothing from the brother, SIL and niece we're staying with (don't know about the other 2 as they've been struck down with norovirus so tomorrow's family dinner probably not happening). They're very lovely people with no money worries, and they adore DD, so I'm confused about what's going on. We're going home tomorrow so the clock is ticking.

How do I approach this? I'm tempted (if nothing materialises before we go) to ask if they'd rather not do Xmas presents for adults or children this year. I'm slightly regretting giving them all of DD's stuff for their LO (and the next) when they ignore her so blatantly.

I hate stuff like this.

shegirl

I'd hate that too and have had similar where I've bought for my ' parents' from myself and ds,nieces and nephews yet none of them have ever bothered buying for ds. I don't like my family (apart from the kids,who I don't see anymore) so just bought because it feels right.For them to ignore my son hurts though.

The difference is your daughters family adore her.Maybe there's a reason,who knows,but base it on whether you'd feel right not buying for their kids rather than whether they buy for yours...unless your daughter gets upset and confused in the future - then I'd rethink!

Many may disagree with but,but I guess it's all down to what feels right for you

Gingernutty

Maybe they think that putting you up for your visit is enough?

notanewuser

shegirl wrote: »

I'd hate that too and have had similar where I've bought for my ' parents' from myself and ds,nieces and nephews yet none of them have ever bothered buying for ds. I don't like my family (apart from the kids,who I don't see anymore) so just bought because it feels right.For them to ignore my son hurts though.

The difference is your daughters family adore her.Maybe there's a reason,who knows,but base it on whether you'd feel right not buying for their kids rather than whether they buy for yours...unless your daughter gets upset and confused in the future - then I'd rethink!

Many may disagree with but,but I guess it's all down to what feels right for you

Well, I'm lying here awake feeling pretty broken hearted by it to be honest. I don't care if they give her a £2 present. 2 out of 3 years she's had nothing from this 1 aunty, uncle and cousin, while I've provided enough clothing and equipment to see them through 15 months! They bought her a birthday present, and they go for Xmas in a big way up here. I know the other niece got a present because I've seen her in it, so why not DD? Makes no sense and I'm going to have to ask somehow to make sure what's left of my sanity stays intact!

BitterAndTwisted

We don't give just to receive. This might be a good lesson for your child to learn once she's old enough. In the meantime I would say and do nothing, most especially right now while you're so upset about the family's behaviour. This would be much better mentioned later, possibly in neutral terms and in passing. Unless you don't care about lighting the touch-paper

notanewuser

Gingernutty wrote: »

Maybe they think that putting you up for your visit is enough?

SIL is heavily pregnant. They bought dinner one night (pub) and I've cooked every one since. And we brought our own bedding and towels so that she wouldn't have any extra washing to do. We offered to stay in a hotel but she wanted us here.

Having put up 8 adults, 2 children and a dog (plus us) for 4 days at our house a few months back, and not getting so much as a cup put in the dishwasher, I'm not sure it is enough.

notanewuser

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

We don't give just to receive. This might be a good lesson for your child to learn once she's old enough. In the meantime I would say and do nothing, most especially right now while you're so upset about the family's behaviour. This would be much better mentioned later, possibly in neutral terms and in passing. Unless you don't care about lighting the touch-paper

I agree. But surely giving to one niece and not the other isn't normal?

I go to great lengths to ensure both nieces receive gifts of equal value. Doesn't everybody?

coolcait

OP, don't be a dramallama.

If it bothers you that much, don't give presents next year.

If you're asked why, just tell them that you'd picked up on the vibes that they weren't as into giving presents as you are. So you stopped giving presents.

notanewuser

coolcait wrote: »

OP, don't be a dramallama.

Oh, ha ha. (Not).

whitewing

I do too, but all these children are very,very young, and all the relationships are based around the 4 brothers so gift getting is probably not going to be quite the same.

I think maybe in September you could ask your husband to clarify what the family policy on gift giving for all the children is going to be. I would leave it until then though, because your daughter is young enough this moment not to know/remember. It hurts to be a parent sometimes!

coolcait

notanewuser wrote: »

Oh, ha ha. (Not).

I've added some more to my original post, as I hit return too early.

Yes, there is a llama in the sitting roon. You brought it in. Live with it.